Well it's official...

I am now on a one year medical leave of absence from school (whether or not I return will be decided at the end of that year)... I'm looking into treatment programs... probably IOP or something... I'll keep seeing my current psychiatrist even though I'm moving home...

And I'm planning on restricting -_-

Majorly triggered/upset myself tonight in terms of my eating disorder... also... well I don't know where my mood is but I'm very impulsive and if I had a capable human being here right now at 1am I would be chopping all of my hair off.

I'm also SUPER itchy... paranoid about a rash but there's nothing there... I just itch like hell.

Okay... well... night I guess.

xx

Backstreet Boys

So, I briefly told my mom about the J thing today when we were talking on the phone. I didn't go into details, and I won't but anyway she said we can talk more about it on Saturday when I see her. I told her I have no one to go to the concert with now and she said she would come with me, which I think will probably be what happens... but I would rather go with a friend because it's just a different experience. 


I don't sing in front of my parents. I don't dance in front of them (not including on stage). So... yeah, it's just... I dunno. And I told her that.


I also figured out why I've been having wrist issues my whole life and why they've progressively getting worse. I have a cyst on the top of my left wrist. Can't move it.


Regardless, tonight was opening night.


I have an early show tomorrow that the class I taught is performing in as well as myself, and then our evening show.


Saturday is closing night. My parents always come on the last night.


I don't think they're staying over. Actually, I know they aren't. I kind of wish they were.
But I'll be home next Thursday night. 


That's really all. I'm in kind of a blah mood. My body is tired, sore, tight. I can't move my wrist. I need to stabilize and ice (for a few weeks apparently) and hopefully it isn't something that will require surgery. 


Goodnight loves.

Bored bored bored....

So first thing is based off a lot of comments I've been getting and I just want to clear something up. I do still dance. I am a dance major. But dancing at my college is nothing like the dance I used to do at my studio, there's no competitions, it's not as much dancing, it's not as intense dancing, it's not with my family that I had been dancing with since I was only 6 years old, it's not the same. I dance as much as humanly possible, I may not even graduate on time because I take so many dance technique classes and put off all of my "academic" classes. 


I can go on about that for days but that's not really why I was posting.


I don't really have any major reason actually. I got a new phone! So excited! I got the iPhone. My ringtone quacks! It's amazing!!! And of course the first thing I did was sync some music up to it and set up the ipod/nike app and download more apps for nutrition/fitness/calorie counters and ect. 


I absolutely suck at painting my nails. But I already knew that :)


And on a more serious note, being home is boring as all hell. I usually spend majority of my time with J. I broke down and apologized last night. Doesn't matter who started it or who was in the wrong, leave it long enough and I will always find a way to blame myself... even without her help of telling me what a shitty friend I am. Hell, I could find a way to blame world hunger or global warming on myself if you let me. So anyway, I figure, while I'm home, and still not 100% blaming myself for what happened, I  might as well step up and be the bigger person. Again. Her response was a little... not what I was expecting. My apologizing did get her to realize that she had overreacted and that "we both made some wrong decisions". So I guess that's good... but here's what got me... she said she will think things through, she just needs a little more time. 


Really? I just didn't respond. I'll give her her time. When she's ready I guess she'll text me or send me a message or whatever. But I'm only here for one week. One long... boring week. It's whatever I guess. I'm just tryin not to worry about it and let things play out but at the same time, when I'm home and bored, it kills me cause normally I would be on a late night beach trip with her or doing some crazy ass shit til god knows when in the morning. 


It's just whatever. I did get to skype with S for like two hours today though which is always great. We spend half our conversations trying to convince the other to come visit us. Haha. It's all good though. I will get to Italy before grad school... the summer before grad school I am defiantly going if I haven't been already. 


And if anyone watches Pretty Little Liars, I just finished the season finale, and OMG! So intense! Okay, I think that's all for now. Sorry my posts are always so long, especially lately. 


Oh! And I got an app for my iPhone that has inspirational quotes. I love it <3


Take care!!

Good Morning!!

So I basically have insomnia most of the time. I have such a hard time falling asleep/staying asleep. I get like 2-4 hours a night, 6 if I'm lucky. Any more than 6 I feel like I've overslept and will be tired. But then... every couple of months there is one week where I go into what I call coma mode. That's where I currently am.


It does usually happen when I'm home which is perfect because I don't have to worry about missing classes and such. But I basically just sleep 24/7. I don't mind it so much, I know that I need to catch up.


So yesterday, I went to the Borders by me because they are going out of business. Everything is on sale so I got a bunch of stuff. I got two books on autism and working with kids living with autism, a pilates book with photos of Joseph Pilates himself, Whispers: The Voices of Paranoia (so so interesting so far), and a few calorie counter/protein counter pocket books. 


I'm such a dork sometimes, Whispers is actually pretty scientific and talks a lot about parts of the brain and chemicals in the brain... I swear if I was smarter I would take more neuropsychology classes. It's so interesting to me.


Which reminds me! I also got GED for Dummies so I can start studying and make sure I get into the graduate school I want since I really don't want to continue at the school I'm currently at even though they're holding a spot for me. So anyway I get it and show my dad I have it so I can start studying and everyone knows I need a lot of help with it so it's just funny that it's the one for dummies. What's even funnier? I need to study for the GRE... I'm already done with high school there's no reason to take the GEDs. And... since the store is going out of business, I can't return it. Oops! 

I'll go back today and pick up the right one... or tomorrow. I want to look at more book books, to like relax and read on my longish weekends and days off in the nice warm weather. I had an arm full of books after going through the health/medical and psychology sections that I didn't even want to be bothered with looking around the rest of the store.


I miss being home. It just reminds me of high school. I mean... I hated high school all except for dance. But just the small of the house and waking up walking down the stairs for my coffee... there are things from my past I want back, and I just feel so much closer to them here. I feel  more connected to them. I feel more in control. I don't think I ever knew I had such a problem with change until I went to college.


And most times when I'm home, I love it, but try to be out of the house as much as possible. Not so much this week. I don't mind being here. At night though I wish I had something to do. But it's fine. Maybe I'll make a fire in the backward one night. It's not like I ever went anywhere other than dance, dance competitions, or dance workshops when I was in highschool. I didn't hang out with any "friends". Occasionally on the weekends with J but that's about it. I spent a lot of time with my parents. I kind of had those people, and this is still the case, where we're friends in school but then I have no one to hang out with outside of class and stuff. It's whatever at this point. 


I wouldn't change the fact that I was always dancing in highschool for anything. Waking up at 4am to shower, do my hair and makeup, and drive to a competition an hour or so away. Oh my god. I loved the early morning ones! It would still be dark out, no one on the road. And then we wouldn't even leave until 11pm to come home. I miss competing. I really do. I miss rehearing for competition. I'm going to stop there. I miss dance and my dance studio... that's all. Everyone knows that already. 








And this post turned out longer than I expected. I'm going to have a few more sips of coffee, get a quick work out in, and jump in the shower. 

In the middle of putting in pictures... my 2 year old cousin's looking for me... gotta run! 

Just Because

So, I'm home.... as in with the parents. This is my "spring break". I'll be here for a week-10 days. I got a few free trial guest passes at the local gyms so I can go in and work out/take fitness classes for free. That's in addition to the equipment we have in the basement.


I'm finally going to take Zumba! Haha, I've always wanted to but could never fit it in my schedule. I'm going tomorrow morning 9:30-11. I'm actually going to sleep right after this post since I am extremely sleep deprived at the moment. 


I feel super white also, so I'm gonna need to get some cash for tanning. I could really go for a frosted bed tan. Even everything out, get some color on my face.


I'm going to make the best of being home despite the fact J once again hates me. I'm starting to feel like she's looking for reasons to start fights. But whatever, I'm not going to let it phase me. I don't need her or anyone else.


I think I'm going to keep this short since my last post was about a mile long. I'll try to keep updating throughout the week and then once I'm back at school and working! I'm excited but nervous for the fact I only have dance classes twice a week. That is just not acceptable for me. I'm gonna have to work something out and get some extra classes in somehow.


Well anyway, that's it for now. I hope you're all doing well :)

[[I tried to add photos but they won't let me, I'll get them to you tomorrow or sometime this week!]]

Back to school

So I'm back at school. Already ate more than I wanted to today (and it's only like 6-something) but it really isn't bad... just more than I wanted. 


I'll eat less during the week in class cause I'll be busier. It's just these damn nights. I hate not having places to go every night of the week like when I'm home. I'll survive. I think.


It's just for two weeks. I have class all this week, and finals all next week. Well, really, I'm done with finals Wednesday night. Then Thursday I have a 'hiring interview' for my internship to get all the paperwork done and make it official and then Friday I just have Pilates exams. I'll be home by next Friday night (the 10th) and I'll go out that night, I should be back early enough for at least a movie or something.


I'm just kind of ranting as I sit here wrapped up in a polka dot blanket watching Teen Nick, Coke Zero in hand... ugh, which is gross, I hate soda. Anyway, I'll try to do a daily update tomorrow, I think it should be a good day. 

Hi Lovlies

Wow, I got up late today, that is so NOT like me. I woke up and went back to sleep and it's now 11am. I have to pack cause I need to be on the road in an hour. 


I'm a little nervous, not gonna lie. I've been doing so well here at home! The binging started with the loneliness college brought me... I've been eating so well these last few days! I mean, I have been skipping meals and eating small and light, but everything has been on the healthy side. Not a single binge! Even if I snack and have a little too much, it's really not that much. I think I may have actually lost a little weight being home (despite the lack of physical activity other than crunches in bed). I just don't wanna mess it all up when I get back. 


Like tonight, I really wanna go to a movie. But I'll be back at school... at least at home I have one friend I can usually drag out and if not then I'll go out with my parents (lame, I know). But at school, I don't have anyone. I mean... I dunno. I guess I could potentially ask some people. I'm wearing the biggest jeans I have right now but I've been wearing them with heeled boots to make my legs look a little less huge and I would be okay with wearing those out. I need to have the boots too though, and we need to walk to be the theater. Unless I drive over the bridge and go to one I can easily drive to. But who's gonna wanna do that other than me? Maybe I'll go alone? Lame. But better than nothing. Suggestions?

Some things just never change....

I know this is like the  millionth post from me today, but I'm stuck at home bored and not in the best of moods. This is just something that's been on my mind for a while... the fact that I want someone to talk to about everything and nothing, someone to cuddle with and keep be warm at night, someone who can make me safe just be holding me in his arms, someone who believes in me even though I don't believe in myself... yeah, I know that's a lot to ask. I just wish I had something like that, ya know? 


But then at the same time, I don't think I deserve that. I would just end up fucking everything up for that guy and I would just be a burden on him no matter how hard I tried not to. I may be going down but I don't want to bring another person with me... and I know I have to save myself, but it would be nice to know someone out there would be willing to save me. I dunno... I'm just lonely all the time... I don't want to be lonely anymore. 




And to top it off, Truly, Madly, Deeply just came on my iTunes (Savage Garden for those of you who don't know this most amazing song). I was actually thinking yesterday how great of a wedding song this song would be...


You guys wanna know a secret?

One of my biggest fears is that I'll never fall in love. Never have a family of my own. Kids... and a house. I'll never find 'the right guy'. I'll never find any guy. I won't even find a guy to settle for... not that I would ever be the one settling. I want that. All of that. I want true love... but I don't even know if I believe in love. I don't know what love is... I don't know anything.

So far, none of this has been done. It's been almost 1 year. Proof I suck at life and am a failure...

I just want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be okay, and I want them to really believe it... even though I probably won't. I want someone to love me, for who I am, craziness included... but that's never gonna happen. I want someone who trusts me, even though I don't trust myself. But who is going to be all of that for me, when I can't be it for myself? Who is ever going to care about someone as insane as me. No one wants to have to put up with me... I don't want to have to put up with me. I really, really just don't know anymore.


Sorry for the rant guys.... really. I mean, I started off today thinking I was going to have an amazing night despite the fact I was sick as a dog. And now who's the loser sitting by herself at home? I guess some things will just never change.

Read my journals?!?

OK, so heres what happened.


I have a journals (well two now since one's full) where I put pictures, quotes, write journal entries, poetry, I have ED recovery exercises, and have ways to cope. While I was at school I realized that I had left them at home... I still looked at school everyday just to be sure because I don't know how I could've done that! I think it was when I was freaking out looking for my jeans (the jeans I only fit in between 96-100 pounds which have become sort of a safety blanket type item to me).


So anyway, I get home and things are fine... first thing I do once I'm up in my room is go get my journals. My journals which it looks like my mom has read! Now these journals may not be as blatently honest as my blog, but the still have the last three years of some of the most personal thoughts going through my head. She didn't say anything to me about it (and dear God I hope she doesn't), but she left something in one of the pages that I dunno what it was and in another page she used the little bookmark strap thing that was attached to he journal.  So last night I'm trying to figure out what she read and what she may not have and I was slightly freaking out, although not as much as I expected. I'll be alone with her today for a while which makes me nervous because I don't want her to bring it up. And not only that, I don't think she got to my big 'I'm sorry...' but she did she a few small I'm sorry's and everything else, anyway... I can't even begin to imagine how much it hurt her to read those things about me, to see me talking about how much I hate myself and my life.


Uggh! I was just.... I don't even know. I just don't want her to know those things. I kept looking to see if she left me a note or something but she didn't. I'm going to be making a page at some point where I'll put in stuff from my journals (type up some of the things I wrote/post pictures of some of my 'artwork') so you guys will see it eventually. Uggh! Right now I just want to finish my coffee in peace and watch a Christmas movie! Maybe I'll wait until the 7 year old she watches is here before I ask her to help me bleach my hair so I can dye it.


AHHHHHH!!!!!! I just need to scream into a pillow or something! I'm going to dance later, even if I just stay in my room. I just need to dance!

Home?

So, yeah... going home will be good. I like to see my family. But heres the thing: I have no friends. No one to hang out with. No one to catch up with. No one to have fun with. Granted I don't really have friends at school either but you think you go home people will want to see you. No. 


I just talked to my 'friend' via text and asked what she was doing tomorrow night when I get back. She's busy. OK. Wednesday? She's busy. All day, apparently. Thursday I'll be away and Friday I already know she has plans during the day. OK. Saturday? Busy with work, but she doesn't know after. Gee, I feel awesome. Just goes to show how much people don't give a shit about me and could care less if I was in their lives.


I'm going to get ready for bed now and stay there until I don't know when.