OK, so heres what happened.
I have a journals (well two now since one's full) where I put pictures, quotes, write journal entries, poetry, I have ED recovery exercises, and have ways to cope. While I was at school I realized that I had left them at home... I still looked at school everyday just to be sure because I don't know how I could've done that! I think it was when I was freaking out looking for my jeans (the jeans I only fit in between 96-100 pounds which have become sort of a safety blanket type item to me).
So anyway, I get home and things are fine... first thing I do once I'm up in my room is go get my journals. My journals which it looks like my mom has read! Now these journals may not be as blatently honest as my blog, but the still have the last three years of some of the most personal thoughts going through my head. She didn't say anything to me about it (and dear God I hope she doesn't), but she left something in one of the pages that I dunno what it was and in another page she used the little bookmark strap thing that was attached to he journal. So last night I'm trying to figure out what she read and what she may not have and I was slightly freaking out, although not as much as I expected. I'll be alone with her today for a while which makes me nervous because I don't want her to bring it up. And not only that, I don't think she got to my big 'I'm sorry...' but she did she a few small I'm sorry's and everything else, anyway... I can't even begin to imagine how much it hurt her to read those things about me, to see me talking about how much I hate myself and my life.
Uggh! I was just.... I don't even know. I just don't want her to know those things. I kept looking to see if she left me a note or something but she didn't. I'm going to be making a page at some point where I'll put in stuff from my journals (type up some of the things I wrote/post pictures of some of my 'artwork') so you guys will see it eventually. Uggh! Right now I just want to finish my coffee in peace and watch a Christmas movie! Maybe I'll wait until the 7 year old she watches is here before I ask her to help me bleach my hair so I can dye it.
AHHHHHH!!!!!! I just need to scream into a pillow or something! I'm going to dance later, even if I just stay in my room. I just need to dance!