Tuesday, November 23, 2010

I'm overboard too far from shore...

The past makes me sick to my stomach. I miss my old life. The life that was perfect in my mind. There's really only one or two things (other than death) that make me cry in this world... and they're related. I make me cry. I hate me. I hate my reflection. I avoid my reflection. I've literally fallen to the floor in tears after seeing my reflection... more than once. And the past. My past. My past brings me to tears. Who I used to be. How I used to look. 

I miss my hip bones. I miss my ribs. I miss my smile. I really miss my smile. I miss my confidence, my laugh, my sense of freedom. I miss my happiness. 

I don't even know if I remember what it feels like to be happy, to feel loved, to not hate myself. I'm drowning myself. I want a new life. I want my old life. I see pictures and realize that I always felt bigger than I really was, which is fine... but now I'm bigger than those pictures. Now I don't take pictures. I used to have a great smile! Now I don't know how to smile. 

I don't see perfection as everything being what you want. I see perfection as having little imperfections throughout but being okay with them. I don't get why life is so hard for me. I don't see why I can't just accept that I'm not who I once was... the thing is, I'm still trying to be. I want to be tiny again! I want to be skinny. I want to be thin. I want to be confident, happy, loved, free, pretty. I want to be me.

This isn't me. This body is holding me back from my life. I need to loose weight and get back to a happy place so I can live my life, really live it, and enjoy it. I'm trying so hard not to cry right now. I put the pictures away. Got rid of all the videos. I have no makeup on yet. I think it's gonna be one of those days were I need to wear a lot of eye makeup to remind me not to cry. I just feel so uncomfortable in this body! 

And it makes me feel selfish that I feel this way. People have so much worse things going on and here I am on the verge of tears because I'm not the skinny girl I once was. I want to feel beautiful again. I don't want these secrets, don't want these scars, don't want these thoughts. 

Sometimes I think I might need help; that I can't do this on my own... but I think part of me needs to prove to myself that I can. I'm in this constant battle with myself. I have to live with the one person I hate most in the world... all the time. There's no escaping myself. I need to dance. I need to get out of my head. I need to not cry. I hate crying... especially over this. How selfish can I get?!? I just need things to be OK... I need things to be the way they used to be...

I just don't know what to do anymore.
This constant need to be skinny in order to be okay with myself is killing me.

My victories are bittersweet and now I can tell
The only place my plans have lead me is right where I fell
I'm overboard, too far from shore
A castaway trying to make it home
I catch my breath to save myself but I can't

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