I miss my hip bones. I miss my ribs. I miss my smile. I really miss my smile. I miss my confidence, my laugh, my sense of freedom. I miss my happiness.
I don't even know if I remember what it feels like to be happy, to feel loved, to not hate myself. I'm drowning myself. I want a new life. I want my old life. I see pictures and realize that I always felt bigger than I really was, which is fine... but now I'm bigger than those pictures. Now I don't take pictures. I used to have a great smile! Now I don't know how to smile.
I don't see perfection as everything being what you want. I see perfection as having little imperfections throughout but being okay with them. I don't get why life is so hard for me. I don't see why I can't just accept that I'm not who I once was... the thing is, I'm still trying to be. I want to be tiny again! I want to be skinny. I want to be thin. I want to be confident, happy, loved, free, pretty. I want to be me.
This isn't me. This body is holding me back from my life. I need to loose weight and get back to a happy place so I can live my life, really live it, and enjoy it. I'm trying so hard not to cry right now. I put the pictures away. Got rid of all the videos. I have no makeup on yet. I think it's gonna be one of those days were I need to wear a lot of eye makeup to remind me not to cry. I just feel so uncomfortable in this body!
And it makes me feel selfish that I feel this way. People have so much worse things going on and here I am on the verge of tears because I'm not the skinny girl I once was. I want to feel beautiful again. I don't want these secrets, don't want these scars, don't want these thoughts.
Sometimes I think I might need help; that I can't do this on my own... but I think part of me needs to prove to myself that I can. I'm in this constant battle with myself. I have to live with the one person I hate most in the world... all the time. There's no escaping myself. I need to dance. I need to get out of my head. I need to not cry. I hate crying... especially over this. How selfish can I get?!? I just need things to be OK... I need things to be the way they used to be...
I just don't know what to do anymore.
This constant need to be skinny in order to be okay with myself is killing me.
My victories are bittersweet and now I can tell
The only place my plans have lead me is right where I fell
I'm overboard, too far from shore
A castaway trying to make it home
I catch my breath to save myself but I can't