You know what I miss? Like, really really miss? Smiling. I mean, I'm not saying I don't smile on occasion, I do... but not a real smile. All I want right now is to smile, and it seems weird but it's been so long since I've truly been happy. And not only that, even when I do smile now, I'm so conscious of it and of how I look when I smile. I hate the way I look when I smile. My cheeks are too big. My eyes get smaller. When I was skinny I didn't have these problems, well, not to the degree that it bothered me right now.
That is what I was thinking about while I was at the gym. Smiling. Right now I'm in psychology. Class hasn't actually started yet so it's not like I'm not paying attention. I need to really start studying so I can do well on my finals in a few weeks. I can't keep messing around. I might actually go to the library. I never go to the library. But I think it'll be good. No distractions, I won't be totally alone, and no risk of binging. I was gonna hang out with a friend tonight, but I just have so much to do.
So far today I'm in a decent mood. Wasn't feeling well this morning due to allergies. I'm allergic to pretty much everything. If there's an allergy to it, I have it. Anyway, I take tons of meds for them but the one time release decongestant that I originally used was the only one that really really worked and got rid od f the morning sickness. Since it was discontinued I now take something else, which doesn't work as well but I guess it's the next best thing. Anyway, yeah, my allergies make me nauseous in the morning. And I'm not a fan of breakfast... sometimes it gets to the point where I have no choice but to eat something dry like a rice cake or something. I guess that's not the worst thing in the world though, right?
I'm excited to head home tomorrow night. I'll be home probably close to 10pm (depending on traffic, probably sooner actually) and then I have to leave Sunday morning to get back for rehearsal. There are goods and bads about being home.
- eat healthy (less chance of a binge)
- quick check coffee =) yum!
- won't be alone
- have to leave my cigarettes here (I shouldn't be stressed to the point that I need them though)
- can only take so many diet pills and need to be discrete about taking them and make what I take last the four days
- make sure wrists are covered up at all times!
I've been trying to really take my life one day at a time. So today, I'm planning on going back to my apartment after class for lunch and a shower. Breakfast today was coffee. Lunch is going to be a peanut butter and banana sandwich. Then I have 3 dance classes. I have modern, a break, jazz, and advanced jazz. Usually during my break I will go to the gym for the second time (I go before the class I'm currently in also). I might bring some things to study today though. Maybe even go sit at a table to make sure I get work done. I do want to hang out with my friend tonight but I'm just going to let whatever happens happen.
As I'm writing this I'm thinking I am going to do a daily update. Within the same post I will update once in the morning and once at night... and anytime in between I feel is necessary. I will do this within the same post by editing it so I don't have too many posts a day and then inspirational things and random stuff I feel like putting on here will be separate. As of now, it's around 10am. I have been up since 6am. I taught a pilates class and learned the arm weight series as well as went to the gym before coming here. Tomorrow my day starts later, not until 12:30, which is weird for me. I mean, I'll be up earlier for the gym of course. And now since I'm just rambling I think it's safe to say that this portion of my update has ended! I'll try to pay attention to class now.
I'm on my break now... procrastinating of course. Something I forgot to mention that happened this morning is kind of coming back to bother me... don't worry I'm in a pretty decent mood right now! It's just in the back of my mind... I have to start wearing short sleeves to pilates so the teacher and myself can see my arms. Problem with that is, I hate my arms. They're gross which is why I always dance in long sleeves... or why I always wear long sleeves actually. I think my arms are the last place I loose weight from, which really sucks but whatever. I dunno, I'm gonna keep putting it off as long as I can. If she brings it up again I guess I'll have to bring a short sleeve shirt, I'll start off with long short sleeves though.
I'm sitting outside the dance studio right now as I continue to procrastinate. I just went into the book store and got this book called Inner Simplicity by Elaine St. James. The cover says "100 ways to regain peace and nourish your soul". It's an adorable mini-sized book that I plan to keep in my purse =)
It says things like: spend time in nature, connect with the sun, figure out what you don't want in your life, have weekend retreats at home, smile a lot, and tons of other great things! I plan on reading the whole thing, but I want to keep it with me so when I'm stressed out I can just flip to a page and find something that will help me calm down in the moment. I've only been flipping through the pages and looking at the headers (I literally JUST bought it), but so far I think it's really great. You should check it out sometime.
I realized my posts are going to be super long because I'm doing this 'Daily Update' style, hope you guys don't mind! I have a great video I want to show you guys though!
It is now almost 11pm and I just got back from the gym with a friend. Overall, I think today was a good day. I stayed in a good mood all day, my eating wasn't too bad, I went to the gym twice, danced pretty well, and now I'm about to knock out some studying for that test I have tomorrow. I think I'll survive tomorrow too. =)