So just love me as I come...

I added  on to the song page!! I now have videos for....
-Breathe by Billy Dortch
-It Gets Better by Chris Salvatore
-Feather in the Wind by Mindy Gledhill


So my throat is KILLING me. Like, it feels really tight... I dunno... I hope I'm not getting sick again, I barely ever got better.

So yesterday... oh my God. I had to bake fresh cookies from scratch. Never did that before. It was okay. Kinda gross cause then I smelled like butter and had to obsessively wash my hands. The worst part though, I had to eat part of one. I thought I was going to die but if a kid offers you food you can't refuse, you at least have to take the first bite (which is the hardest of course). But saying no to the food is like saying no to the kid so I put on my big girl panties and sucked it up. Then when I left I was driving back freaking out all I wanted to do was throw up, but I couldn't cause I was in the car... I wanted to pull over so badly even if I just threw up in a bush or on the side of the road it was that bad. I was crying and shaking. I didn't allow myself to pull over though. That would just have opened so many more doors for me that I don't need to go through.


I did eat a little dinner later that night. I also had dinner tonight (plus a snack, ew). Breakfast and lunch were both just coffee. I am making myself eat at least one meal a day (typically dinner) and getting coffee when I want it. Even if I feel kind of gross after I know I can't let myself get too far down the path of anorexia... as much as I want it... as bad as that sounds.


I got two of the books (Shrink Yourself and The Body Image Workbook). I started reading Shrink Yourself and even though I'm  not really an "emotional eater" to the extent in which the book was written, I still use food as a way to avoid my emotions... whether it's a binge or extreme restriction. I have a terrible relationship with food, I'm aware of that. But even though there are a lot of things in the book that don't apply to me... it's still interesting material and we'll see what happens when I get to the activities at the end. I'm not ready for The Body Image Workbook. Not at all. I have to get through Telling ED No! and Regain Your Self first. Those are being shipped to my apartment. 

Oh... and something I learned. I can't rush recovery. I can't set a date for myself that I want to be "better" by. Life doesn't work by set deadlines... it just goes with the flow... and that's what I'm going to do... although, I may be swimming upstream a lot before I found out where I made that wrong turn.


I don't have too too much to say right now. Like I said, I'm not feeling well. My sinuses are going crazy! It sucks but it's whatever... I just hope I'm not getting sick again. I took some medicine just in case though.


By the way... check out Feather in the Wind. It's really beautiful <3

Borderline?

Trying to put myself in a better mood and not break down right now. Nights are always so rough. Nights are lonely. I don't sleep at night. I hate it. I'm so tired. I can't sleep.


I think I may have borderline personality disorder... or at least something very close. Yet another reason not to go to therapy. I mean, I don't like talking about this stuff and I don't want to. Not in a therapy session. It's awkward. But on top of it I think I have this underlying fear of being diagnosed with even more shit. I hate diagnoses. I hate being labeled. I hate it. 


I feel huge. My ass is way to big. My thighs are atrocious. My arms are flabby. I don't have the distinct jawline I once had. Don't even get my started on my stomach. And my hips. Oh my god. I hate it all. I hate all of me. 


I need serious fucking help. I don't want help. I just want someone to hold me and make me feel okay. I want to feel safe. I felt safe with C... safe from myself... safe from this hellhole I call my life. 


This is all straight from Mayo Clinic. 

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is an emotional disorder that causes emotional instability, leading to stress and other problems.

With borderline personality disorder your image of yourself is distorted, making you feel worthless and fundamentally flawed. Your anger, impulsivity and frequent mood swings may push others away, even though you desire loving relationships.

Borderline personality disorder affects how you feel about yourself, how you relate to others and how you behave.

When you have borderline personality disorder, you often have an insecure sense of who you are. That is, your self-image or sense of self often rapidly changes. You may view yourself as evil or bad, and sometimes may feel as if you don't exist at all. 

I also read that eating disorders, anxiety, depression, stress disorders (PTSD), mood disorders, and substance abuse can go along with BDP.

It's a lot about being emotionally unstable. I don't think that I really have it... I dunno, I just seem to have a lot of the symptoms but it's not really that bad in me that it would be diagnosed. Unless I went somewhere because they just like to diagnose and label everyone that comes through the door.

I dunno... my whole life I've just known there was something wrong with me. I was off in some way. When I was little I used to think I had some disease that no one had ever heard of before. Like I was the first to have it. I knew I was fucked up from the very start.

I really don't know where I'm going with this post... I guess I just wanted to share...

Letting it out....

Sometimes I just feel like I need to scream at the top of my lungs. I don't know what that would accomplish for me. Maybe someone would hear me? Probably not. 

I'm sorry, but I don't do emotions. I just feel numb all the time. Sometimes, I think I get sad... but I've realized that I turn that emotion into anger because I can deal with anger better. I can't let people see me sad, I can't let them see me break down the way I am.

I'm falling apart. I broke through rock bottom and I've been stuck down here for over a year now. It's cold. It's dark. I'm lost and scared. I want to scream, I really do. But I think I have an overlying fear that even if I do, they still won't care. No one cares about me. I've been alone my whole life. Who am I expecting to hear me?

And sometimes all I want to do is cry. But I don't know how to cry. I don't know how to do anything. I don't know what I want from life. I don't understand why I'm alive. I don't even know who I am anymore, all I know is that I don't like this person. I want to change. I want to be 'better'. I want to have my perfection back. It shouldn't be this difficult to get something that I want so badly. But it is. Everything is hard for me. 

I just want my happy ending.

This is my video, I made it from movie clips. I have a lot more videos like this and other random ones. Please let me know if you would like the link to my youtube channel.