Wednesday, April 20, 2011

So just love me as I come...

I added  on to the song page!! I now have videos for....
-Breathe by Billy Dortch
-It Gets Better by Chris Salvatore
-Feather in the Wind by Mindy Gledhill

So my throat is KILLING me. Like, it feels really tight... I dunno... I hope I'm not getting sick again, I barely ever got better.

So yesterday... oh my God. I had to bake fresh cookies from scratch. Never did that before. It was okay. Kinda gross cause then I smelled like butter and had to obsessively wash my hands. The worst part though, I had to eat part of one. I thought I was going to die but if a kid offers you food you can't refuse, you at least have to take the first bite (which is the hardest of course). But saying no to the food is like saying no to the kid so I put on my big girl panties and sucked it up. Then when I left I was driving back freaking out all I wanted to do was throw up, but I couldn't cause I was in the car... I wanted to pull over so badly even if I just threw up in a bush or on the side of the road it was that bad. I was crying and shaking. I didn't allow myself to pull over though. That would just have opened so many more doors for me that I don't need to go through.

I did eat a little dinner later that night. I also had dinner tonight (plus a snack, ew). Breakfast and lunch were both just coffee. I am making myself eat at least one meal a day (typically dinner) and getting coffee when I want it. Even if I feel kind of gross after I know I can't let myself get too far down the path of anorexia... as much as I want it... as bad as that sounds.

I got two of the books (Shrink Yourself and The Body Image Workbook). I started reading Shrink Yourself and even though I'm  not really an "emotional eater" to the extent in which the book was written, I still use food as a way to avoid my emotions... whether it's a binge or extreme restriction. I have a terrible relationship with food, I'm aware of that. But even though there are a lot of things in the book that don't apply to me... it's still interesting material and we'll see what happens when I get to the activities at the end. I'm not ready for The Body Image Workbook. Not at all. I have to get through Telling ED No! and Regain Your Self first. Those are being shipped to my apartment. 

Oh... and something I learned. I can't rush recovery. I can't set a date for myself that I want to be "better" by. Life doesn't work by set deadlines... it just goes with the flow... and that's what I'm going to do... although, I may be swimming upstream a lot before I found out where I made that wrong turn.

I don't have too too much to say right now. Like I said, I'm not feeling well. My sinuses are going crazy! It sucks but it's whatever... I just hope I'm not getting sick again. I took some medicine just in case though.

By the way... check out Feather in the Wind. It's really beautiful <3


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