Going on day 4 of J not speaking to me. Things were fine... I hope telling her about the boy wasn't a mistake because she just flat out hasn't spoken to me in 4 days. I'm not a moron, when you update your facebook status via mobile phone constantly shit comes up on my newsfeed. And like... I'm sorry but no matter what even if I'm pissed at someone... if I start to notice they're worried about me... perhaps because of daily texts saying something along the lines of "Hi, are you alive?" I respond.
If I don't hear from certain people I will check their facebook knowing they're one of those people who put way too much information on there just to make sure they aren't dead. Legit. Three of my closest friends are/have been suicidal in the past. And I will pick up and drive 2 two hours back home in the middle of the night if I think something is wrong.
First off, I don't understand why the whole boy thing is such a big deal. Yeah, she told me she did/does have basically a crush on him for the last seven years. But that's all it is. Unless there's something she's not telling me, in which case, I can't be to blame for any of this. And she knows how I feel about guys not wanting me and how I feel like I may never get married or have kids like I've always dreamed of. How I'll never in my lifetime find a guy who is willing to/wants to put up with me. How I'll never be in a relationship longer than two weeks because I don't trust anyone and always end up fucking it up. She knows this. As much as I hate to admit how much all of that feels like a reality to me, it is. And as much as I wish I could say I didn't care, I don't mind being alone, I don't need a guy... I do. I'm fucking lonely all the time.
She knows that too. She knows that I don't have friends, yet she still does stupid shit like this that makes me feel like total shit. I would never do that to her! And for a lot of people, it wouldn't even phase me... but when she does this to me it literally tears me apart! And I don't understand why she's doing it.
I always end up blaming myself for everything even if I did nothing wrong. I'm sorry I told her about the boy. I guess I just know I can never talk to her about ANYTHING anymore. T and K where right, I shouldn't have told her. But I was feeling so sick and so drugged up on cold medicine the other night that I did. And I told her I didn't want to upset her and if I did to tell me. Gahh!!! I just want to scream and cry right now! Doesn't help that I'm on my fucking period since yesterday (hence the nausea) and still have a damn sinus infection.
I don't even know what to do anymore... She's flat out ignoring me. The first two days I sent her one text each day... kind of random/funny things. Then:
April 8th around 10:30am "You alright?".
April 9th around 2pm "?"
April 9th around 3pm "Haven't heard from you in like 3 days, are you alive?"
And if I get a chance and end up texting her today I know it's going to be along the lines of... "WHAT THE FUCK IS YOU'RE FUCKING PROBLEM, YOU BITCH?!?"
Sorry for the rant... if you have any advice or possible ideas why she may be doing this... please comment. I'm like legitimately upset about it. I know I'm showing it as being pissed, and I know if I talk to her it will come out that way too which probably wouldn't be good. But I really am sad, like I'm trying not to cry right now. I don't understand why someone would do this to me. And my "best friend". If she doesn't want to talk to me then I really have no hope. I'm sorry, but a friendship is a two way street... and I can't keep killing myself going the wrong way down a dead end road.