Monday, April 18, 2011

Trying to "fix" myself. Ew.

Second post of the day. I little more about how I'm actually doing, what I'm doing...

So. I feel, icky. Nothing new there. I need to clean my apartment (yes, I still haven't done it). I'm just sitting online and wondering... what has happened to imgfave?? I used to go there to get away from my ED, to be inspired. And now there's so much thinspo on there, it's ridiculous! 

And stupid me 'favorites' all of these pictures because a huge, huge part of me still wants to look like that. I still want that. But I want recovery. Or do I? I want a normal life. But not normal. Just... not with a disorder. "Normal is just a setting on a washing machine." It was in "Next to Nothing". I almost want to write my own book after reading that. Ha, me write a book.

But seriously, like if I edited some stuff out of my blog and added some stuff in, I could get it published. Nah. So I went to dance tonight. And after reading that book... every time something would pop into my head:
- A skinny girl walks by, "I hate her." 
- I see my fat ass, "Ew, I'm disgusting."

But I tried to not get too hung up on those things... "I don't hate her. My eating disorder hates her." "Maybe my ass isn't that fat (it is though) my eating disorder just tells me it is."

I do need to loose weight, and I can be safe and healthy at a lower weight. I just hate that so much of recovery focuses on gaining weight. Not all of us need to gain weight. But even the thought of loosing or doing anything to control food or weight is unheard of. I dunno. Everything's just scrambled up in my head running rampid. I catch bits and pieces of things. Part of my knows that I've fallen so hard so many times... and that there's a real good chance if it happens again, I'm not gettin back up.

Getting the recovery workbooks is going to be a process. I have to go into the store to order them online and then go back to pick them up. I hate that the shelves are full of books for if you know someone suffering from an eating disorder, but it is so hard to find something if you are the sufferer. You can find them online, but I have no way to pay online. So this is my only option. Ugh. I have four books on my list, should total to about $50 that I don't have. 

1) Shrink Yourself: Break Free from Emotional Eating
2) Regaining Your Self: Understanding and Conquering the Eating Disorder Identity
3) Telling ED No!
4) The Body Image Workbook

I'm not ready for professional help... though I am very sure I need it. And some time off school, no doubt. People actually come and and comment on how stressed the students here always are even compared to other college students and how because of our awkward schedule, lack of breaks (even for summer), and six month undergrad internships we seem to be extremely stressed. We have four terms a year, each one only 10 weeks, then a week for finals, and we get about a week off before starting the cycle all over again. Basically, each season is it's own term. Awesome, right? Not so much. Week 5 is midterms, but some professors have a midterm in week 4 and week 6 just to spread it out. We learn the same amount in one quarter that any other university learns in one semester. I'm not a smart kid. This is not okay.

I don't even know why I'm here. But enough of that. Oh. I have to start studying for the GRE's. Crap. Why am I doing this again? Oh well.. too much thinking.. don't like it.. gives me a tummy ache.  I'm kind of just rambling now. I just suddenly got tired and can't remember anything I was going to say. Go figure. I'll post again soon :)

Oh! But one thing I do remember... I don't know if I told you guys about Natalia. Natalia is my "inner critic", my eating disorder, my bad thoughts. She is PERFECT. She has the perfect body, perfect hair, is gorgeous and thin, looks good in anything and everything. Everyone loves her. She's a sweetheart. She's smart. Shes PERFECT. But she's a bitch to me. She's the one that says all of those nasty things that are running around in my head. And for some reason... I still look up to her, want to be her, want to make her proud. So yeah... that's Natalia.

I guess overall... even though I feel like total shit and hate everything about myself, the way I look, and the way I am... I am going to try to do something about it. I know it won't be easy. I know it won't happen right away. But I at least need to take these steps for myself before I can get myself into therapy. I also need to go to the town with the hopsital back home. I need to do that. I need to go there and breathe before anything else. Maybe after reading "Next to Nothing" it will somehow make that easier? I'll be there this weekend. And I am going to try again. I am going to keep trying... over and over... until I do it. Until I can be there and not hyperventilate or break down and cry.

Okay... so I'll go now. Yeah... haha. Goodnight... or morning, depending on where in the world you are <3


  1. It takes a lot of courage to want recovery so you're doing great already sweetheart. Hope you succeed. Take care x

  2. I am soooooo proud of you for giving recovery a shot. I know it's hard and scary but you've already taken so many steps in the right direction. I hope you continue on this journey and I know you can succeed. Remember, there will be bumps but you just have to get up and keep on going.

  3. You should try Life Without ED its a really good book and its written by someone who had and ED and the chapters are just different steps towards recovery, its really short and take like minutes to read a chapter and you don't have to read it in order either.