Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Nothin worse than being sick all the time...

I ate too much one again. Being sick does that to me... despite the hours I spent just laying in my bed. Work tomorrow is still up in he air. I'm going o call at 10am and if I'm feeling alright I'll show up around noon. Then I have dance tomorrow night. I need to call the sub-line for pilates, I can't say the girls name who's covering for me... I feel kinda bad about that. 

I honestly believe that I eat better at home, like with my parents. I'm much more social there, I go out more, my food choices are healthier... I just need to be back there. God... but who wants to live with their parents for the rest of their lives? I'm 21, like what the fuck? 

Summer should be good though. I'll be home a lot more (Thursday night-Monday morning). Possibly. Works only 15-30 minutes further from there than my apartment. And the days I'm here I will be working all day, and at dance in the evenings, or driving... As far as I'm concerned, the less down time in the apartment, the better. 

I told J about the boy... we're finally talking again, and I know she's had a thing for him for years but it was just weird to me that she didn't know. I don't think she was happy about it, when I asked her she said she didn't know yet. But we talked a little about that and then it lead into how I always expect the least of people to protect myself from getting hurt (just learned that's why I do that tonight). 

I could really go for some fruit juice right about now... Fuze just doesn't taste the same when sick. Oh! I have warm apple juice boxes! I'll put them in he fridge. I think I am going to allow myself juice (actual calorie filled juice, low sugar of course) as long as I cut back more solid foods.

Skinny Water is surprisingly difficult to find. I like the manderine/cranberry/tangerine or whatever... which is a shocker cause I'm not a fan of any of those flavors. Although in the past 12 hours I have had two servings of cranberry juice. Ick! And I'm out of medicine... damn. 

I really do feel bad about missing work. But I wish I go to work more hands on with the kids. I did get to work with a boy on Tuesday and would've enjoyed it more if I hadn't had a runny nose. Today was a no-client day so I wouldn't have missed anything anyway. 

Sorry I'm always rambling. Like I said, I have no one to really talk to. Ever. You guys are great though! Especially though of you who actually read along. 

Looking around... my apartment... is... a mess. Legit. This is not cool. 

So... thinking about the boy thing much as I am pissed about not hearing anything from him for so long... I still think I really kinda like him. I mean, why else would I have let myself open up to him so much? Telling him I was diagnosed with anorexia in high school was the first time I think I ever said it out loud. I mean, I did see him later on the same day I drove up to the town with the hospital, so I had a lot on my mind. And he knew that. He told me there were a million things going on in my head and that I worried about a lot of stuff... he said he could see it all in my eyes. 

Kind of scary how someone you pretty much just met can tell you all that so quickly. Either way, I felt like we really had some sort of connection. Now I could be wrong... but none of this is going to stop me from seeing him again when the chance comes. I wouldn't even think twice about it. 

Maybe I'll get hurt.
Maybe it's about time I let myself.
Maybe for once in my life, I can allow myself to get close to someone. I can try to not push them away. I can talk to them. Trust them. Be with them.
Maybe not.

But I don't know what the future holds. And for now, I'm just gonna run with it. 

Hopefully the fever breaks tomorrow and I can somewhat breathe. I want to pick up skinny water, juice, energy drinks, diet soda.... ya kno, to stock up. I'll get juices with lots of vitamins... it would be nice to not always be so sick. I'll try the whole liquid thing. 

I'll be getting a somewhat decent amount of calories. Filling myself up, then peeing it all out to feel empty. I could use a good cleanse. I haven't detoxed in a while. I'll get more pills... pick up drinks every morning on my way in to work. Occasionally throw in some alcohol to get my mind off things.

Gahh.... I just wanna fuckin puke right now at the thought of myself... not to mention the fact I am sick and haven't been feelin' too hot all day. You think that would stop me from eating? I dunno, maybe my subconcious was tryin to make me throw up and just failed. 

It's almost time for more meds. I'm out. I guess I'll be switching brands until this one's out too.

Goodnight <3


  1. aww get well soon hun! and i hope everything with the boy goes well


  2. Feel better soon. Being sick sucks.
    Good luck with the boy.