Super Triggering**

NO MORE FOOD! EVER EVER EVER! I FUCKING HATE MYSELF I HATE EVERY OUNCE OF MY BEING (AND BELIEVE ME, THERE ARE A LOT OF OUNCES). NEED A RAZOR. NEED A KNIFE. NEED SOMETHING SHARP. EX LAX. TAKE EX LAX NOW. FUCK FUCK FUCK. TOMORROW IS DIET PILLS AND COFFEE! FUCK FUCK FUCK! I SHOULD HAVE HAD MORE DIET PILLS TODAY WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T I TAKE MORE?!? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!? I'M SUCH A FUCKING FAILURE AT LIFE! I HATE THIS SHIT I HATE MY LIFE! I'M FAT! WHAT THE FUCK? I FUCKING HATE THIS I HATE BEING SO FUCKING FAT I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT ME!! IT'S SO FUCKING EASY TO JUST NOT EAT AND BE SKINNY SO WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I DO IT?!? WHY DOES BEING ALONE TRIGGER ME SO FUCKING MUCH?!? UGH!!! OMG!! I KNOW THAT I WILL NEVER EVER EVER BE HAPPY UNLESS I LOOSE WEIGHT AND AM HAPPY WITH MY BODY!! WHAT THE FUCK IT WAS SUCH A GOOD DAY UNTIL NOW I HATE NIGHT-TIME I HATE IT ALL. FUCK FUCK FUCK. AND I CAN'T EVEN FUCKING DRINK TONIGHT CAUSE I ALREADY HAD A SHITTON TOO MANY CALORIES AND I DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING POT! OH MY GOD I NEED POT. THAT WILL CALM ME DOWN. THAT MIGHT HELP ME GET OVER THE URGE TO CUT! FUCK FUCK FUCK! OH MY GOD I EFFIN' HATE THISS!!! FUCK!!! I WISH I COULD JUST FUCKING THROW UP. I WISH IT WAS EASIER FOR MY BODY TO DO! UGHH!! I JUST DON'T GET IT WHY CAN'T I BE FUCKING NORMAL?!? WHY DOES THIS SHIT HAVE TO GET TO ME?!? WHY CAN'T I JUST BE FUCKING HAPPY FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE?!?


NO MORE FOOD EVER... I'VE HAD ENOUGH FOR MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFETIME!!!!

Gee... thanks Mom.

First off... I decided to start therapy because things have been going well and I want to keep them going in that direction. I am facing a fear of therapeutic trauma and my supervisor has, in so many ways, inspired me to take better care of myself and not be ashamed of what that may mean.


So after a conversation (by which I mean my mom talking and me just taking it all in like a brick wall) this morning... I got to thinking.


She told me that she wants to put me in a residential facility. AKA get rid of me. Cool.


It won't happen... not if I have anything to do with it... but anyway it for me thinking about recovery and things. What I'm going for right now in terms of recovery has nothing to do with how much I am eating, but having a HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP with food.


Once that is accomplished. I can work on how much... although, I think by having a healthier relationship to food that will work itself out. 


And then from there, I can get the NEDA symbol tattoo (I'm still liking the back of my neck for placement but not a huge tattoo). I was, for a while, toying with the idea of designing it into a dragon's tail or something and I just got a message from J saying she wants to hide the NEDA symbol in a butterfly tattoo on her hip. Gee... thanks for stealing my idea. I can't stand that. I'll get over it.


I'm doing okay despite my mother wanting to send me away. I was a little upset about it this morning when it happened but I didn't let it get to me too much, I'm not over thinking it, and I'm just going to let it go. As I am the tattoo thing.


Oh... also, I am currently not seeing any therapists. Hours don't fit with the guy at school and I didn't like the woman here at home (where I have been staying and commuting to work). I don't know if/when I will be going back but now, as you can see, my mom is really wanting me back in therapy... intensive therapy... she said this has been going on for too long.


Sorry I can't speed up the recovery process.

Killing myself to see I'm alive.

I was just writing a thread on PrettyThin to see if anyone else got that calming feeling from feeling their bones. And all the sudden I paused.... and thought "to know I'm real".


I always get frustrated that EDs come from things. They're mental. But I never understand why me. I haven't been through anything traumatic. I'm just fucked up.


I think I'm killing myself to show myself I'm alive.


It's like the song Iris by Goo Goo Dolls... "yeah you bleed just to know you're alive". That songs always been a favorite of mine. And I do cut, so it really resonates with me. But knowing my bones are there, they're real, they're visible. Does that mean I am all  of those things to? Can I only be seen if I'm too small to be seen? Or is being small the excuse for me not being seen? Not being heard? Is being small the excuse to my small, weak voice? 


But when I'm small, I'm none of those things. I'm confident. My bones give my confidence. They give me strength. Bones are strong. Dense. 


If I'm small, will I allow myself to get the help I need from others? Because I'm the size of a child? Because I look delicate, it will make it okay to let that side of me out?


Oh my God. This is all too deep and complex for me right now. I don't know what's going on. My mind is racing a million miles per second right now trying to figure it all out. 


Oh, wow. 


I don't even know.

True Happiness

I could go on about this forever.... but all I'm going to say is this is more true to me than I could ever imagine.

And right now... I am failing everyone, which results in me failing myself. If anything... I have hurt people trying to make myself happy.

I'm so sorry.

~~

You know what... I am going to go on about it. I'm going to go on because I think that I need to say it if nothing else just to admit it to myself and work through it and try to work out what the fuck is wrong with me. I'm sorry if I ramble, you don't really even have to read this if you don't want.

I don't even know where to start. I'm on the verge of tears... I just binged. I suck at life. I don't know what's wrong with me or why I feel the need to be the tiniest girl in the world. I just want to know what is wrong with me and why I'm the way I am.

Anyway, I saw this quote and it made so much sense to be. I am eventually doing to be a dance movement therapist. I love helping people, especially kids. I feel so good when I do. I forget about all the shit that doesn't matter and I just enjoy helping other people. I love to make people smile, I love to give people hugs when they're crying. I hate when other people are sad, I really really do. I love volunteering, it's why I never really had a job. It's just such a huge part of who I am. I work with kids mostly... and I would do anything for them. Anything. 

I know I'm a terrible person... yet for some reason, I still have a ton of kids that look up to me. They're the reason I want to be better. I can't stand the thought of them looking up to who I actually am. I would die if I found out that any of my kids did a single one of the stupid things that I do. Besides all the kids I've taught dance to or the kids I've met through volunteering... there are two little girls that I love more than anything. One of them, is my 2 year old cousin, the other is a little girl in first grade that my mom used to watch since she was about 3months old. I know for a fact that she looks up to me. She's so smart and beautiful and talented. I want her to always know that. 

I totally went off what I was initially going to say. 

In the last year or so, things have gotten really really bad with me. And since at least last spring, my best friend has been saying that she has an ED and she told me she cuts a few weeks ago (which was news to me). Anyway, I try to help her as much as I can... the thing is she is my biggest trigger. I still try though, I really really do. But I also can't help feeling like if these things are all true (I don't even know) that if she didn't know me she would've found better ways to deal with her stress. I feel like I am a huge part of why she does what she does. She saw me when I was skinny and happy... maybe she thinks she can have that? I don't know, but whatever it is I feel like I've totally failed her and I'm kicking myself for it. I hate myself for that. All I want is for her to be happy and instead I feel like I've done this to her... which makes me miserable.

When she mentioned cutting, I had been in the best mood ever... on top of the world. But I did a total 180 when I heard that. I ended up crying in my bed for hours, not moving. I didn't want to be alone but no one was around that night. I was afraid to be alone. I was in such a low place, my heart literally sank. Yeah, she triggers me with ED stuff a lot... but the cutting. Really? If this is true... I feel like it's because she saw some cuts on my wrist over the summer (she apparently started after that). I just really don't know.

I've hurt so many people because of my misery. My ED, SI.... everything. I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt anyone, ever. I never wanted to put anyone through what I did. I hate myself even more for knowing the pain I've caused other people. I'm such a mess. This is exactly why no one will ever love me... why I won't let anyone love me. I don't want to hurt them. I push people away because I know I'll only end up ruining their lives. I don't want to do that to them... but I'm just not that great at lying all the time.

I'm sorry I can't always fake a smile anymore. I'm sorry for being me. I wish I could be a better person. Someone who could be loved, who would make a great role model, anyone but myself. I did this to myself, it's no one's fault but my own and I don't want to drag anyone down with me. I'm better off alone.

Updating Pages

Hello!!!


Okay, so I know I said I wasn't gonna post again until tomorrow but I've been updating my pages. 

Songs- this is a list of songs I put together that give me hope for the future, put me in a good mood, or just touch me in a really positive way.
Poems- this page is my PERSONAL poetry, this is stuff that I've written... it's not very good, but I try =)
Breathe- this page is one of my favorites!!! on here I have a list of things I like to use for coping with whatever, I've also included a links for pages with other ways of coping or just pages that can help with ED, then I put a list of 'distraction links' if you feel you are going to binge or cut or do something you know you shouldn't  these sites will provide some distraction from your thoughts (I hope).
                    -- At some point I will add a book list (books related to ED and SI/good books for distraction).


I'm also working on a page for my journals (but I want it to be private and that's not an option) and I'm also thinking of a page with quotes and/or poetry I find online or that you guys want to share (credit will be given).


Which brings me to my next point... if there is anything you would like to add to any of my lists/pages such as links, websites, coping strategies, ect, please let me know. You can always feel free to e-mail me. I love suggestions!

And if you haven't checked out any of my pages yet, you should go ahead and do it! Kill some time, let me know what you think, what you want to see more of, whatever... I make these pages for you guys just as much as I do for myself so don't hesitate to ask for something or suggest something =)

I love you all! You're all wonderful and beautiful!
<3 <3 <3

Letting it out....

Sometimes I just feel like I need to scream at the top of my lungs. I don't know what that would accomplish for me. Maybe someone would hear me? Probably not. 

I'm sorry, but I don't do emotions. I just feel numb all the time. Sometimes, I think I get sad... but I've realized that I turn that emotion into anger because I can deal with anger better. I can't let people see me sad, I can't let them see me break down the way I am.

I'm falling apart. I broke through rock bottom and I've been stuck down here for over a year now. It's cold. It's dark. I'm lost and scared. I want to scream, I really do. But I think I have an overlying fear that even if I do, they still won't care. No one cares about me. I've been alone my whole life. Who am I expecting to hear me?

And sometimes all I want to do is cry. But I don't know how to cry. I don't know how to do anything. I don't know what I want from life. I don't understand why I'm alive. I don't even know who I am anymore, all I know is that I don't like this person. I want to change. I want to be 'better'. I want to have my perfection back. It shouldn't be this difficult to get something that I want so badly. But it is. Everything is hard for me. 

I just want my happy ending.

This is my video, I made it from movie clips. I have a lot more videos like this and other random ones. Please let me know if you would like the link to my youtube channel.