Killing myself to see I'm alive.

I was just writing a thread on PrettyThin to see if anyone else got that calming feeling from feeling their bones. And all the sudden I paused.... and thought "to know I'm real".


I always get frustrated that EDs come from things. They're mental. But I never understand why me. I haven't been through anything traumatic. I'm just fucked up.


I think I'm killing myself to show myself I'm alive.


It's like the song Iris by Goo Goo Dolls... "yeah you bleed just to know you're alive". That songs always been a favorite of mine. And I do cut, so it really resonates with me. But knowing my bones are there, they're real, they're visible. Does that mean I am all  of those things to? Can I only be seen if I'm too small to be seen? Or is being small the excuse for me not being seen? Not being heard? Is being small the excuse to my small, weak voice? 


But when I'm small, I'm none of those things. I'm confident. My bones give my confidence. They give me strength. Bones are strong. Dense. 


If I'm small, will I allow myself to get the help I need from others? Because I'm the size of a child? Because I look delicate, it will make it okay to let that side of me out?


Oh my God. This is all too deep and complex for me right now. I don't know what's going on. My mind is racing a million miles per second right now trying to figure it all out. 


Oh, wow. 


I don't even know.

Mellltdown

I don't really know what to say or where I'm going with this. I've been in the worst mood all week, skipping classes, trying to sleep, starring at the ceiling, skipping meals, drinking, contemplating the most effective way to kill myself... not really good things. I just stocked up on hydroxycut max, green tea triple fat burners, CVS brand dietetics, xpel,  and ex-lax. I need to get hoodia superthin because I'm out but I haven't had the time to get to GNC, I would have to walk a good 20-25minutes there and back in the cold. I also need to go pick up a few packs of nutratrim gum because I'm also out of that.

None of this shit works... promise me you'll never start taking diet pills, they really don't do a thing so it's just not worth it. I'm having trouble typing this right now because my hands are shaking so much. I tried to eat today, but not I'm just super upset by it and grossed out and really fucking hate myself. 

Weird thing, when my friend J has a bad night, I drop whatever it is buggin me to help her (if I can, I really do try)... but sometimes when I have a bad night, that's when she decides she's going to have one. I'm not saying it's all the time, and I'm sure a lot of it's just in my head... but whatever. Anyway, here and B are coming tomorrow... possibly this other girl too that we met like once. Well, B knows her cause he went to high school with her. So they'll be here when I get out of rehearsal and we're gonna have a little party, just us, in my apartment. I might invite another girl who I've known for years and her boyfriend to stop by or my friend S who was recently (as in yesterday) dumped so her plans for tomorrow are now nonexistant. I doubt anyone will even come by but whatever.

Then K and T, two of the most amazing friends ever, are coming Sunday night into Monday. I'm excited to see them. We're having a hair dye party, although I think K is the only one who has her dye (it had to be ordered online). Fingers crossed mine comes tomorrow!

So anyway, I know in my last post I talked about how no one would notice if I was gone (J apparently doesn't like the fact that I'm living alone because of this) and then I realized her and B are coming tomorrow... and I have rehearsal. I would need someone to take over my piece for me. I know who I would want to do it... but then I would have to leave a note asking already busy people to do things for me and that's not right. Although I'm kind of numb right now, it's when I get into those really bad moods were I just don't think that I'm afraid I may do something. Even though I think about it all the time, it's not like I would plan it... if it happens it happens. 

Then I told myself "you'll never kno what could be unless you stick around to find out"... I wouldn't know anything about my future. What if someone is actually interested in me (chuckle), what if I have kids one day,

what if I can be happy? And that stopped me from doing anything tonight... but then I realized that I didn't care.

I was thinking today, because we were talking about guys and boyfriends and I was so afraid my teacher was going to ask if I had a boyfriend because we had covered everyone else's guy situation. And I was in a shitty mood all day so I would've probably just said the truth which is; no, no guy can handle me and I wouldn't want them to.  I've kind of decided to leave it that was because I always feel bad for the situations I put people in and I wouldn't want to do that to anyone. Not to mention I'm afraid to get too close to anyone, or close at all. But I really, really do with that I had a boyfriend who I could depend on... or someone who loved me. I dunno...

I think sometimes I make excuses for not going out, other than the "I'm fat, have nothing to wear, don't want anyone to see my ugly ass face excuse. I think that I don't want to be around guys or go out with guys because I'm afraid of the rejection. I mean, I already know I hate seeing people I haven't seen in a while and often avoid it because I just can't handle how they may react to the fact that I've gained weight. I don't want them to look at me, to see who I used to be, to see what I've become, to see my disguising body. I hate it all so much. There are people who that doesn't matter to, but it doesn't matter that it doesn't matter... because it matters to me. I'm not making much sense am I?

Anyway, here's a good (but extremely sad song... I guess depending on how you interpret it). I've had it on pretty much all day.