Killing myself to see I'm alive.

I was just writing a thread on PrettyThin to see if anyone else got that calming feeling from feeling their bones. And all the sudden I paused.... and thought "to know I'm real".


I always get frustrated that EDs come from things. They're mental. But I never understand why me. I haven't been through anything traumatic. I'm just fucked up.


I think I'm killing myself to show myself I'm alive.


It's like the song Iris by Goo Goo Dolls... "yeah you bleed just to know you're alive". That songs always been a favorite of mine. And I do cut, so it really resonates with me. But knowing my bones are there, they're real, they're visible. Does that mean I am all  of those things to? Can I only be seen if I'm too small to be seen? Or is being small the excuse for me not being seen? Not being heard? Is being small the excuse to my small, weak voice? 


But when I'm small, I'm none of those things. I'm confident. My bones give my confidence. They give me strength. Bones are strong. Dense. 


If I'm small, will I allow myself to get the help I need from others? Because I'm the size of a child? Because I look delicate, it will make it okay to let that side of me out?


Oh my God. This is all too deep and complex for me right now. I don't know what's going on. My mind is racing a million miles per second right now trying to figure it all out. 


Oh, wow. 


I don't even know.