Thursday, March 31, 2011

Killing myself to see I'm alive.

I was just writing a thread on PrettyThin to see if anyone else got that calming feeling from feeling their bones. And all the sudden I paused.... and thought "to know I'm real".

I always get frustrated that EDs come from things. They're mental. But I never understand why me. I haven't been through anything traumatic. I'm just fucked up.

I think I'm killing myself to show myself I'm alive.

It's like the song Iris by Goo Goo Dolls... "yeah you bleed just to know you're alive". That songs always been a favorite of mine. And I do cut, so it really resonates with me. But knowing my bones are there, they're real, they're visible. Does that mean I am all  of those things to? Can I only be seen if I'm too small to be seen? Or is being small the excuse for me not being seen? Not being heard? Is being small the excuse to my small, weak voice? 

But when I'm small, I'm none of those things. I'm confident. My bones give my confidence. They give me strength. Bones are strong. Dense. 

If I'm small, will I allow myself to get the help I need from others? Because I'm the size of a child? Because I look delicate, it will make it okay to let that side of me out?

Oh my God. This is all too deep and complex for me right now. I don't know what's going on. My mind is racing a million miles per second right now trying to figure it all out. 

Oh, wow. 

I don't even know.


  1. "I think I'm killing myself to show myself I'm alive." -> me too.

    Take care missy xoxox

  2. I agree...killing yourself to know your alive makes sense. I guess none of us 'feel' alive right now, we're all sort of like 'woahh what the hell is happening' kind of thing, and the stuff we do is both destructive but revealing...I think that somewhere along this road, I hope, all of us will look back and finally find day, when we're all recovered and well, we'll look back and think 'that made me who I am today'. We do all this stuff for a reason, and knowing we're alive might just help us to be better people, right? I don't know either. This is confusing huh.
    Take care of yourself. xo

  3. "I think I'm killing myself to show myself I am alive." <--That is so deep and I so closely relate to it. Sometimes in this crazy world, nothing seems real and the only thing that is real is the pain I put myself through. I relate to all the stuff you are saying in this post. I hope you get control of your thoughts and feelings and you figure out what you need to.
    Take care.