Tuesday, March 29, 2011

And I don't know what I've done to me.

Again, I apologize for the total overload of posts. But you guys are all I have. 

So today was the first day of my internship. It went well. It was mostly setting up and kind of preparation for what is to come, what to expect, future projects. A lot of talking. There was a quick trip to staples. And I did a tad bit of office work the last 40 minutes or so. I briefly met one of the clients I will be seeing on occasion but just in passing. He seemed great though! And so adorable.

Here's the thing. It's a little uncomfortable for me to be around a therapist. Even though I'm not the one in therapy, I still always feel like I'm being analyzed. Some of my psychology professors are also counselors and I always got the same feeling with them which led to me never asking questions (I did once, it did not end well for me) and me not even bothering to go to class. I hate that uncomfortable feeling of being judged.

Then... its a private practice, run out of her home. I spend the day with her, her husband (who also works from home), and their two cats who aren't aloud near each other. Lunch. We all sit down for lunch together. Me, my supervisor, and her husband. Which means I need to being/eat lunch. I've always been huge on skipping lunch. I brought a fuze drink if I wanted it or for the way home, and an apple... because a) I didn't want anything and b) I didn't have anything to bring. 

She did comment on the apple. I knew she would. I start at 11:30 on Tuesdays so I blamed it on a late breakfast. We didn't sit down to lunch until 2 and it's an hour commute so the latest the breakfast could've been is 10am, latest (I didn't even have breakfast in reality). So as I'm nibbling at tiny bits of my apple trying to make it look eaten without actually getting much in, mostly just keeping myself busy with it and drinking a lot of water, she says to be "wow you must have had a big breakfast if all you're having is an apple". Fuck. I played it off. And her and her husband like, full out cook for lunch. I always had small lunches.

So now I just went to CVS. I grabbed a granola bar and I'll bring that along with my apple tomorrow. I really will probably only have that though. Maybe I can make it look like I ate the whole thing and manage to through some of it out. I picked up bread so I can make sandwiches, but I really really don't like the idea of eating lunch. It's seriously freaking me out so much. And I work 3 days a week, the other two days I go in earlier. I can't always say I had a late breakfast, she's watching me like a hawk (in my mind). She's a dance movement therapist, she's reading my body language, seeing how uncomfortable I am during lunch/being around food. She's going to know. Fuck.

I feel so fat and huge and disgusting. I only went to CVS to get food so she won't call me out. I had a snack when I got back from dance. I meant to only have a snack and ended up with dinner and a snack. Fuck. I feel so gross. Bloated. Fat. Fuck. I need a razor. I hate this. And to think I just thought I was getting better. I actually was able to say out loud for the first time ever that I had been diagnosed with anorexia. To the asshole boy of course. Still no word from him, by the way. I didn't tell him I cut, he said it. Fuck. How did I end up letting him in? I told him more in one night than I have ever told anyone in my life. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I feel so fat. I'm not looking forward to dance costumes on Friday. I need to wear tights... a) because I'm fat and no one wants to see that and b) because all the fucking scars. Fuck. 

Sorry. I don't know how I got to sidetracked. I'm just so disgusted with myself. And I'm getting a fucking pimple on my left ear right in the spot I wanted to get pierced. Which I am so doing this weekend. I just have the need to put more holes in my head (I already have 4 piercings in each ear and temporarily had my bellybutton pierced). FUCK.

I am SO sorry for the lack of inspiration lately...
I'm sorry for being such a failure at absolutely everything...

You know what sucks about working? Commitment. What happens if I'm just gone one day? What happens if clients got used to be being there and then I'm just not. It's just like everything else, it's not like anyone would miss me... but they would have to rework things if I were no longer there. I would just be causing more work for everyone.
I'm so confused.


  1. Nikki, you're amazing and you will continue to be an inspiration to me. You aren't fat at all, I'm sure. And as for that lady who comment on your apple eating, she's pathetic and ignore her (:

    Thanks for that lovely comment by the way, twataffle has become a new favourite word of mine thanks to you :D <3

  2. Hey Nikki.....I'm Nikki, hahaha im a new follower i couldnt say no to your name :) xoxo stay strong

  3. Darling, firstly, you shouldn't apologize for what you write on your blog because it is YOUR blog. Feel free to post anything you like.
    Secondly, you shouldn't let others judge you. I mean let them judge you, but do you want. After all, it is YOUR life. :)
    Thirdly, you're beautiful. ♥xx

  4. Ooh she shouldn't have been nit-picking at your lunch. i agree with teaspoon, just ignore it and do your work if that's what you want. the people that are judging you about eating don't have any good opinions regarding that anyway.

  5. My current boss is a therapist and he has literally analized me at work while other co-workers were present. And we don't work in a therapist office...it's a nonprofit organization. It was completely unprofessional and embarassing. Once I quit here in June I will never work for another therapist again...fucker. If I want to get analized, I will find a therapist myself and pay him/her...not seek out one in the workplace.