Super Triggering**

NO MORE FOOD! EVER EVER EVER! I FUCKING HATE MYSELF I HATE EVERY OUNCE OF MY BEING (AND BELIEVE ME, THERE ARE A LOT OF OUNCES). NEED A RAZOR. NEED A KNIFE. NEED SOMETHING SHARP. EX LAX. TAKE EX LAX NOW. FUCK FUCK FUCK. TOMORROW IS DIET PILLS AND COFFEE! FUCK FUCK FUCK! I SHOULD HAVE HAD MORE DIET PILLS TODAY WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T I TAKE MORE?!? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!? I'M SUCH A FUCKING FAILURE AT LIFE! I HATE THIS SHIT I HATE MY LIFE! I'M FAT! WHAT THE FUCK? I FUCKING HATE THIS I HATE BEING SO FUCKING FAT I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT ME!! IT'S SO FUCKING EASY TO JUST NOT EAT AND BE SKINNY SO WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I DO IT?!? WHY DOES BEING ALONE TRIGGER ME SO FUCKING MUCH?!? UGH!!! OMG!! I KNOW THAT I WILL NEVER EVER EVER BE HAPPY UNLESS I LOOSE WEIGHT AND AM HAPPY WITH MY BODY!! WHAT THE FUCK IT WAS SUCH A GOOD DAY UNTIL NOW I HATE NIGHT-TIME I HATE IT ALL. FUCK FUCK FUCK. AND I CAN'T EVEN FUCKING DRINK TONIGHT CAUSE I ALREADY HAD A SHITTON TOO MANY CALORIES AND I DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING POT! OH MY GOD I NEED POT. THAT WILL CALM ME DOWN. THAT MIGHT HELP ME GET OVER THE URGE TO CUT! FUCK FUCK FUCK! OH MY GOD I EFFIN' HATE THISS!!! FUCK!!! I WISH I COULD JUST FUCKING THROW UP. I WISH IT WAS EASIER FOR MY BODY TO DO! UGHH!! I JUST DON'T GET IT WHY CAN'T I BE FUCKING NORMAL?!? WHY DOES THIS SHIT HAVE TO GET TO ME?!? WHY CAN'T I JUST BE FUCKING HAPPY FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE?!?


NO MORE FOOD EVER... I'VE HAD ENOUGH FOR MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFETIME!!!!

Blah.

I should be over it. This whole boy thing. It's been over a week now and I just can't seem to stop thinking about it. Just more proof that no one wants me/will ever want me. Great.


So I just got out of the shower. I need to put makeup on, dry/straighten my hair, get my shit together, go tanning, get to the theatre uber early to get a pair of shorts from the costume shop, and then I have dress rehearsal and a performance tonight. Awesome. I don't wanna go. Oh, and I only have about 2 hours to get there for the shorts otherwise I'm screwed.


Just a note about my internship, cause I don't think I ever actually told you guys what I'm doing. I eventually want to be a dance movement therapist, so the woman I'm working for has her own practice run out of her house... which is why her husband and 2 cats are always around. I'm hoping by next week I'll get to actually see some clients... that's the most exciting part about all of this.


I don't really have much to say right now. Kinda blah. I feel like I may be coming down with a cold, I've felt like this all week actually and have been taking medicine sporadically when I feel like it. I'm gonna go visit my friend at school tomorrow and be back in time for Sunday rehearsal. Should be a 3+ hour drive to get there from here. 


My apartment is a disaster right now. I really need to clean but just haven't had the energy... It's not parent proof so I'll have to figure something out so they don't come up here since they'll be in town for my performance tonight.

I don't think I'm gonna go out with everyone after the show. 
a) I don't want the calories of alcohol tonight.
b) I just don't enjoy being around them. They aren't real friends. Just... people I know.
c) I don't want any accidental texts/calls to the boy in a drunken state. If he wanted to talk to me, he would've by now. I just need to get the fuck over it.


I'm still nursing the headache I've had all morning so I'm gonna get going and see what I can get done. Hopefully I can get my ear pierced tomorrow but I STILL haven't been paid from teaching pilates last term. It's only $105 total but I want my fuckin money.


Whatever... anyway, I hope you are all well <3