As if I'm not crazy enough...

So I had a kind of mini performance tonight. We had dress rehearsal at 5 and then opened at 8. I wear tights under all of my costumes... a) we have to wear a tan leotard under all our costumes and when that shit goes up your ass it's kind of hard to ignore b) no one sees my legs. ever. I don't even look at my legs.


Let's think about this. My legs are huge, flabby, and disgusting. They just don't look good. Not everyone has nice legs. No one wants to see that shit. Then just the fact that if my legs were to be exposed, I would physically feel uncomfortable and it would affect my dancing. It's hard enough dealing with the fact my arm flab is all over the fuckin place, it's just too much. And what else? Oh! How about the fact that there are scars covering my legs! Hip to knee. Old slashes going every which way... long white lines, short white lines... there for all to see.

I haven't had one of these tights situations since before the leg so that's just a whole other level that's been tacked on to everything. So anyway, after dress rehearsal we all talked a little and the dance instructor who was in charge of everything for this show calls me over. And she basically just wanted to tell me that it looks awkward that I'm the only one with tights on and I flat out told her I feel uncomfortable without them, I won't go on stage without them, whatever. And she was fine with it she just wanted it to be known she talked to me about the tights if the director said anything but she left the choice up to me so of course I wore them... but I started to cry, like really cry. 


And she's so sweet and she just got like really worried like... she did not expect that reaction at all from me, she didn't think tights could make me so emotional, yada yada. She was like I'm so sorry, I didn't know this was going to make you feel this way. And she wanted to know why I am so "attached" I guess, to my tights. So I told her, I don't look good without them, I feel uncomfortable. I was like, ask anyone in the costume shop I'm always the one causing problems and I always find a way to wear tights anyway. 


So she like tried to talk to me and tell me no one would be looking at my legs they would be looking at my dancing and the that I'm beautiful blah blah blah. She like couldn't even find the words though because she knows me, but not really well... and she was like I don't know why this is such a thing for you or whatever I just hope it's not... and she couldn't find the words. She was like actually kind of scared about the fact that I got so worked up over something so trivial and that I got so upset about it.


I
am
insane.


It's like seriously ridiculous how crazy I am. I hate it. I hate being crazy. I hate everything about this. I hate my life. Ughh... this needs to stop.

Blah.

I should be over it. This whole boy thing. It's been over a week now and I just can't seem to stop thinking about it. Just more proof that no one wants me/will ever want me. Great.


So I just got out of the shower. I need to put makeup on, dry/straighten my hair, get my shit together, go tanning, get to the theatre uber early to get a pair of shorts from the costume shop, and then I have dress rehearsal and a performance tonight. Awesome. I don't wanna go. Oh, and I only have about 2 hours to get there for the shorts otherwise I'm screwed.


Just a note about my internship, cause I don't think I ever actually told you guys what I'm doing. I eventually want to be a dance movement therapist, so the woman I'm working for has her own practice run out of her house... which is why her husband and 2 cats are always around. I'm hoping by next week I'll get to actually see some clients... that's the most exciting part about all of this.


I don't really have much to say right now. Kinda blah. I feel like I may be coming down with a cold, I've felt like this all week actually and have been taking medicine sporadically when I feel like it. I'm gonna go visit my friend at school tomorrow and be back in time for Sunday rehearsal. Should be a 3+ hour drive to get there from here. 


My apartment is a disaster right now. I really need to clean but just haven't had the energy... It's not parent proof so I'll have to figure something out so they don't come up here since they'll be in town for my performance tonight.

I don't think I'm gonna go out with everyone after the show. 
a) I don't want the calories of alcohol tonight.
b) I just don't enjoy being around them. They aren't real friends. Just... people I know.
c) I don't want any accidental texts/calls to the boy in a drunken state. If he wanted to talk to me, he would've by now. I just need to get the fuck over it.


I'm still nursing the headache I've had all morning so I'm gonna get going and see what I can get done. Hopefully I can get my ear pierced tomorrow but I STILL haven't been paid from teaching pilates last term. It's only $105 total but I want my fuckin money.


Whatever... anyway, I hope you are all well <3

Youtube....

So I'm probably going to put my link up for my youtube for you guys... or just start putting pictures up here. I don't like the idea of pictures of me being around the things that I say... just in case, but oh well. I might just delete my youtube account and put my videos up here because I can't make that private so most of my videos are unlisted. I try to make happy and inspirational videos but then with that comes with all of the depressing ones. Just like this blog. I try to be upbeat, but it's just been so difficult lately. I apologize for that, really. I do want to share my videos with you guys though because I make a lot of them. I don't save them because they take up space and if anyone else is ever on my computer... yeahh, haha. So I just upload them to youtube. Yes, all of the videos I have posted on here were made by me. I have some in random entries and I also have videos some of my pages. The Alexz Johnson one isn't mine, I just wanted to share the song with you guys. And the lyric videos on my songs aren't mine. Although the song video on that page is, and I also mixed that song mash-up or whatever myself. 


Yeahh, so anyway, my youtube account is Nikki94xx. If you go to my channel you can see most of the videos and then anything with me actually is it should be unlisted. A lot of my videos are EXTREMELY triggering. Please be careful. You can tell by the thumbnails/titles which one's are happy and which ones may not be so happy. Some of them say **TRIGGERING** in the description but I gave up on that and now just have a general warning about all of my videos possibly being triggering.



I use a lot of older pictures and a lot of my videos are about when I was at my lowest weight... but this one is actually pretty damn current... like, really current. And it stays that way for most of it. It's pictures from before my tattoo but after my pink hair so a lot of holiday season pictures. I don't actually think I have any really old ones in here but that's fine. I started this one a while ago and just did the finishing touches tonight.


I'm in a decent mood considering my week and the pain that I'm currently in. I think I'm just kinda numb mentally though which is really why I'm okay or whatever. I've been exhausted lately, like really really tired. So I have to be up and at the recording studio by 8am to get some stuff recorded for my dance piece... then I really wanted to go to the zumba party at the gym from 10:30-12 but I doubt that'll happen. We'll see how I'm doing sleepynesswise. Yes, I make up my own words. 


Then I have rehearsal 1-2, 2-3, 3-4. We always run late, which could be a problem... My 1-2 is a dance that I am in, we are rehearsing on the stage. Then 2-3 I have my piece in the studio, those rehearsals will be on time. If we're running over I'll be late for my own rehearsal and it's our last one, our only one with the new text recording that we'll be doing that morning, and we have a lot a lot to get done. I need to clean the dance and talk about emotion and oh my god it's really a lot. I also have rehearsal Sunday 1-2 and 3-4. Then tech is on Monday and Tuesday, dress rehearsal on Wednsday, and we open on Thursday. Our show is 3 nights (Thurs, Fri, Sat) but the freshman show (that my piece is in) has dress rehearsal on Friday afternoon and then is on Saturday and Sunday afternoons. I have to be there for all of them. 


Five shows. 
One weekend. 
Ouch.


Okay, I'm just rambling now :)