Thursday, December 9, 2010

Can't Sleep

I've been laying in bed for hours. I hate this. All I want to do right now is go into hibernation. I want to sleep... I want to be in bed, but my head hurts and I'm wide awake.

I laid in bed for a few hours before my dance finals tonight, took me about 45 minutes just to get to a sitting position and out of bed. I really just wanted to stay there. As soon as finals were done I got right back in bed... but I can't for the life of me fall asleep! I spray lavender vanilla pillow mist from Bath and Body Works on my pillow every night and it really does help me.... most of the time. I just want to sleep so I don't have to think or feel or anything. 

Now I'm sitting on my futon watching The Nanny. I don't know what to do with myself. Blah blah blah.

I'm so tired of pretending that everything is okay... these last two weeks have been hell. Seriously things are NOT okay. I'm not perfect. And I don't want to be... but I'm done pretending my life is great when really it's not. I'm done faking for the sake of other people. 

I'm sorry I can't fix all of you. I really am. But I don't know how you expect me to fix you when I can't even help myself. 

I'm tired of being alone, being sad, angry. I'm tired of hate. I'm tired of it all. I just want things to get better. I want everything to be the way it was... when I was happy. 

I want to be happy. 
Is that really too much to ask?

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