My hope is to share with you what is going on in my mind and to inspire you to be you're best and fall in love with life even though I am sometimes failing to do that myself.
I just realized that I do have things in my life to be proud of myself for.... even if one of them is just getting out of bed in the morning.
Baby steps my darlings... I will take baby steps.
You know what I don't get though? How when a sad song comes on... I keep listening to it.
Key word there... WAS. This song makes me think of C so much. Yesterday I wasn't that bad in regards to the whole C situation. Today this song came on, and now I can't stop playing it... he wanted to put up with me. I just keep seeing the image of that text in my head.
"I wanted to put up with u"
He knows how completely insane I am and he wanted to put up with me.
I held it in until I got back to my apartment. Then I fell apart. I'm sort of zoned out right now... I feel like I'm gonna break down again any minute. I wish my friend S (the one in another country for forever) was still here. I wish he still lived across the hall. I wish I could just knock on his door and say "I need a hug". I wish C was here. I wish he wasn't making me feel this way. I've never felt this way because of a boy. How can one person... make you feel so much?
It's fine. I'll get through it somehow... Baby steps. I may be sad today, but god dammit I got out of bed.
~~
Update: After posting this I wrapped myself up and laid down in a sad little ball... maybe after half hour-forty minutes I hear the little skype ringy sound... it was S. We talked for a little over an hour. I feel much less sad right now. I swear he has perfect fucking timing. Let's hope it lasts :)
Oh, and a teacher told our class yesterday to stop trying to be so perfect. It kinda hit home for me... well... I mean I was looking right at me when he said it. I know it's because he read my paper where I said that I'm just never good enough for myself.
Sometimes all it takes is a few of the best people in the world to remind me how amazing I am. I seem to forget. Everyone is always reminding me... but I never listen.
Wow. Well this is going to take like all day to get down and it's going to be a really long post. Sorry in advance.
And why the fuck did I just eat that bowl of cereal? Now I feel gross and disgusting and my tummy hurts! Ugh!! I hate myself... and I'm having pictures of me dancing taken the next three days, then performing the three days after. Fuck.
Anyway, thats not what this post is about. This is post is to say that for the first time ever... a boy made me cry. Yupp, I said it. And I'm not happy about it. This has never happened to me before.
Let's call him C. C lives across the country. He left not long after we met. C also has a 3-4 month old baby girl. So what's any of that have to do with me?
Well, C is one of the only people I have ever felt like I could trust... and I have no idea why this is. He also makes me feel safe. All he ever had to do was hold me and I felt safe... safe from myself mostly.
But like I said, C is gone.
So, what's our story? Well... I met C when I was currently in a relationship with T. It didn't last long. So after that was over I started hooking up with C. This was freshman year of college... let's say, around Feb. because I spent Valentine's Day dancing in his room with him. Well, about a week after we met, he told me that he had to leave school because of financial stuff. It kind of sucked. I didn't want him to go... but he had to. He would come visit a lot though. At first. He would stay for a good two weeks straight and we would take turns signing him into the dorm. It was almost like he never left.
Then he wasn't around anymore... and we slowly lost touch. It made me sad. Then I found out he was across the country for school. That's fine, I had always just assumed he would come back. We still chatted via text randomly. Not a lot at all. But I always got excited to see I had a text from him. He knows me pretty damn well. And I didn't mind when he teased me. He called me a stripper all the time cause I'm a dance major and it was just funny. Anyway... now he's across the country.
Over the summer... we were talking one night. I was on my road trip and I dunno who texted who but he happened to catch me on a bad night so when he asked me if I had a boyfriend yet I told him no and that I doubted I would because guys don't like me. The next day he text me, "Hey Miss Insecure". It was funny... I dunno. Anyway, we were talking and he told me he was going to have a baby girl. I wasn't sure at first because he always messes with me... but it was true. He was worried about being a dad, which I know he'll be amazing at. So I told him that. Since then, we've talked a few times. There have been a few drunk texts here and there... nothing serious.
So, how'd C make me cry?
Oh God... here I go. I think the easiest thing would be to just get the whole conversation out there, maybe with a few inserts of my own thoughts. Ever other text he sent me made my heart sink a little deeper, made my head hurt a little more, and made me think about what the fuck I was doing with my life.
Here we go: (By the way, my phone had once again deleted my sent messages... I'll try my best I know what I said who cares if it's not word for word.)
Him: hey Me: heyy what's goin on Him: not a whole lot just bored what are you up to Me: just at rehearsals all day Him: So y r u texting me crazy Me: i have a little bitty break between pieces so im just layin on the steps in the theatre Him: That cant be too comfy Me: it actually is... its a great way to crack your back :) Him: Hows school goin Me: eh... its goin
(Here's where it starts)
Him: Still no boyfriend? Me: no and i doubt that'll happen anytime soon Him: Lol y not Me: because im entirely too insane and no guy would want to put up with me Him: I wanted to put up with u Me: ? Him: Lol, when I was there but I had to leave. I wanted more time with you. Me: exactly, you had to leave Him: And what does that mean Me: I dunno... it means you had to leave. I would've liked more time with you too. Me: I gotta blindfold myself and run on stage... I'll be back in like an hour.
When I first text him back we talked about some nonsense, blindfolds, and secrets (to which he said about my secrets "But part of u wants to tell me. Secrets r no good if no one knows. It could be our little secret.") Trouble is I really do trust him, and I know that I could always talk to him about these things. I'm just afraid to. So we talked a little more and then...
Him: So u were sad when I had to leave? Me: well, yeah.... i wish you coulda stayed Him: Y Me: because i liked it when you were around Him: Y =P Me: okay, now you just sound like a little kid with all these y's Him: Lol I kno, but y Me: okay this is gonna sound weird but... youre one of the only people i ever felt like i could trust Him: Wow, what made u feel that Me: i dunno Him: Well that's good to kno Him: So then y dont u want a boyfriend? Me: its not that i dont want one, its that no one would ever want me... especially if they really kno me Him: Y do you always say stuff like that. I really wanted u, but you had that attitude so it made it hard Me: what attitude? Him: The attitude that no one would like u Me: oh. sorry, cant really help that Him: Ur a good catch u kno and i think we would been good together Me: why are we having this conversation now? Him: Cuz i dont like u being so down on urself Me: why do you care? not asking in a mean way i just... i dunno Him: Cuz it just blows my mind that a girl so freakin gorgeous as u doesnt have any self esteem, and im not saying that offensively. has anyone told u how beautiful u are? Me: im not Him: Wow dont say that, u have no idea how pretty u r. Me: im not pretty. im not anything. Him: Only if u keep thinking like that. when i saw you for the first time it blew my mind and i thought this girl is way out of my league and too pretty for me, but im gonna talk to her anyway. And ive never been one to believe in myself so that was a huge step for me. it just kills me that you think that. Me: im not out of your league, im not out of anyones league. and im happy that you could believe in yourself, thats always a good thing Him: right, so try believing in urself. cause i thought i have no bussiness talkin to this girl but screw it cuz i want to anyway. Then its just so ironic that u acted like u werent worth anyones time. Me: i just dont see how anyone could ever like me when i hate myself so much. Him: Y do u hate urself Me: i dunno, i just do. i always have. Him: But y. U didnt think u were pretty? or smart? What is it? Me: i dont like how i look or act. ive always been the dumb one. its just everything. Him: Did u ever think u just hung around the wrong people all the time? Me: why would that matter? Him: Maybe it wouldnt, but if they made u feel stupid or not good enough then yea Me: ive been this way as long as i can remember. i think my brains just fucked up. Him: Well u can always fix that Me: how? Him: Thats somethin u have to figure out on ur own. When i focus on a quality i dont like about myself i think how can i fix it, so i dont stop trying til i fix it. I didnt like that i thought i wasnt good enough to talk to this stunningly gorgeous girl, so i did it anyway. I just didn't think that she was thinking the same things about herself. Me: i mean... at this point i kno there will always be days when i feel like a worthless piece of shit... and if anything the only thing i can really do is learn to accept that. Him: How can you say that? If thats how u wanna live then ill let u be, but u just keep digging this hole for urself and keep feeling it with misery. u keep looking for ways to dig a deeper hole instead of looking for ways out. Me: i dont want to live like this, i just dont kno how to make it better Him: Have u even tried? Me: yes... but nothing ever works Me: can i tell you something? Him: Of course Me: im scared Him: Of wat Me: of myself Him: Wat do you mean? Me: just how i think and the things i do when i cant deal with stuff Him: Y dont u see a psychologist Me: part of me knos i need help, but i cant do that. i dont like talking about this stuff and i kno how to lie to them so i would just say what they wanted to hear. Him: U just have to find a good one, i kno the bad ones suck but if u find someone who really knos what theyre doing Me: i cant. ive had too many bad experiences with therapy to ever trust them. Him: Then i guess ur just gonna have to figure this out on ur own. But u have to want to change. Otherwise ur gonna live the rest of ur life in a vicious circle. Me: i kno... thats kinda where i am now Him: So wat do u want me to do or say? Nothing? U just want me to leave u alone and keep making nothing out of urself? I will if thats wat u want Me: no... i dunno i just dont kno what to do Me: im sorry by the way Him: For wat Me: for being such a psychotic mess Him: Stop. I dont see u that way Me: well that makes one of us :) Me: you kno, i still miss you Him: Don't miss me too much
I talked to him a little bit online later that night. It just kills me that we can have this conversation and talk about all of this and he knows me so well yet he's still willing to talk to me and he doesn't think that I'm completely insane. Or if he does, he doesn't care. None of this bothers him the way I'm always afraid it will bother people. He understands, or he's trying to. And he always knows what to say, and is honest. There may be a few things left out from that simply because I forgot what I said and couldn't figure it out from his response but for the most part its all there. When we talked later, we were just joking around like we always do.
I just hate it that he can make me feel this way. That he lives so far away. And that none of this phases him in the way I was always afraid. I just don't know what I did three years ago to make him be able to see inside of me. Like, I know now, I'm pretty damn obvious about how I feel about myself simply because I just don't care anymore... but I used to be so much better at hiding it, and I didn't feel nearly as bad about myself as I do now. I just don't know how he figured out that I don't think I'm worth anyones time.
Anway, I called J after talking to him even though we haven't talked in like a week. I was in tears and I called her because I was mad at myself for crying... and for crying over a guy. I never cry over guys. That's not who I am. I'm not the girl that needs to depend on some guy to make her happy. I'm not the girl who lets other people put me down. I'm the only one that every puts me down. I take full blame for what I do to myself... I know that it's no ones fault but mine. Anyway... she picked up and all I said was hi, then she asked what I was doing and I said I was just laying on my futon wrapped in a blanket or whatever and she could tell from my voice something was wrong. So I finally broke down and told her boys aren't supposed to make me cry. Those were actually my exact words... as I was crying. We talked for a while and whatever. Then T called me because I had text her earlier saying boys are icky and I hate them all. She kind of forgot about the whole C thing and wanted to talk more about the stuff that he brought up and she was asking me if I was happy, which I obviously lied to her about. She didn't fall for it. She told me that she looks up to me and that kills me and I told her not to. She doesn't know about the ED or the cutting or any of that. I don't want her to know. I don't want her to worry.
After that I talked to a friend form school for a little while, and then I was talking to T (my ex). We're actually closer than we have been and I ended up telling him about when I was diagnosed with anorexia. I asked him if he remembered what I looked like in high school and his response was 'I used to check you out three times a week of course I remember'... which made my laugh for the longest time. I felt so much better after that. And I apologized to him like 5,000 times. He said it was aggravating that I always come up with this stupid questions for him because he really likes me and I'm a great person of whatever. Everyone pretty much knows I'm insane at this point.
I talked to my friend from school a little bit later that night again and told her about what T said and she was like 'all these men!' so I was like, 'yeah... apparently I'm good looking or something'. She knows I hate the way I look too. I'm pretty sure everyone does. It's not something that I hide well. I blatantly avoid cameras and mirrors. I will literally face the back of the dance studio or stand in the corner so I can't see myself.
I just... I dunno. This whole thing is so confusing. Things would have been so different if he hadn't left, if we'd had this conversation three years ago. Ugh. I hate thinking of the what ifs. This shouldn't bother me. So what if I feel like I can trust him and he makes me feel safe? Who gives a fuck? He's across the country with a 3-4 month old daughter and never coming back. I'm never going to see him again.
I mean, I know that I'm an amazing person. I just can't see that right now. I have too much fat covering my amazing-ness. I feel like when I'm thin is the only time I'm ever happy, the only time I wasn't cutting, the only time I felt confident. But I'm not thin anymore. I'm not strong. I'm not happy. I'm not pretty. I'm not anything.
My goal for everyday is to just stay alive. That's it.
You know how people say to do one thing everyday that scares you? Well living scares me. I scare me. I'm afraid of what I might do to myself, what I am doing to myself... everyday.
Sorry I don't post as much when I'm home, but right now I just have something that I really need to get off my chest.
So I'm not good at telling people how I feel. I'm once of those people who bottle everything up inside and put on a smile even on my worst days. I don't let people see me cry, ever, and I hate it when people know I'm upset. It's like I want people to thing I'm the strong fearless girl I was as a kid, but I know that's not true.
Anyway, since my blog, videos, and journal... I have been trying to open up to people more. Everyone knows I don't tell them what's bothering me, or even when something is bothering me. People get on my case all the time about crying and tell me it's okay for me to cry. People tell me that I can talk to them about anything and they'll always be there for me.
But what I don't get is when I do try to reach out, when I do try to let people in, when I'm broken and at my weakest moments... they all ignore me. If I'm lucky, they may respond to a text. But just one. And then the go on facebook and update their status (sometimes via phone) but they don't respond to me. Or they will text me, call me, message me, whatever... with one of their own problems, and totally disregard whatever I had said last.
Meanwhile, there have been countless times where I am been in tears on the bathroom floor, with a razor in my hand, kneeling over the toilet, wrapped in blankets in my bed... and I will always, always find a way to make myself respond to people when they come to me with a problem. Even if it's one that hits really close to home for me, and I never once say what a mess I am at that moment because it's not about me and I'm not about to make it. Yet I have friends who turn on their phones so if I really need someone I can't get in contact with them or people who, like I said, disregard whatever I said and turn it around to be about them.
I just don't get people. This is why I never let anyone in. Because they don't care. And not letting them in is better than the rejection of them not giving a crap about me. It just sucks and I don't know how people and be so selfish and inconsiderate (and I realize I'm sounding a bit selfish myself right now). But seriously people, come on. Get over yourselves. It's not always about you.
Sometimes, it's about me.
There. I said it. I'm important to and there is no reason why people should be treating me this way. But I have no one else, and so I put up with it. But one of these days I'm gonna blow up on someone, I really am. Because this is fucking ridiculous.
