My hope is to share with you what is going on in my mind and to inspire you to be you're best and fall in love with life even though I am sometimes failing to do that myself.
I miss him so fucking much!! I felt so safe when I was with him... safe from the world... safe from myself. Like as long as I was in his arms I couldn't hurt me. All I want right now is to be in his arms again...
I'm not going to go on too much more about this. I wrote three pages about it this morning and couldn't stop thinking about him all day. Crap. At least I'm not as upset as before.
Here's a post from a conversation I had with him a few months ago (C convo). There's a little background info in there too. Since then, we've talked only a few times and we were joking around... yeah, not going into it... but I miss him. I hate feelings. I want them to stop.
I had 3 meals yesterday!! Progress!! And I wasn't SUPER upset about it. Today I only had dinner. I may have a little bit of a snack later. I bought a few groceries (cereal type stuff) so that I have some food when my parents are here next weekend and they don't ask why there's no food. I'll ask them to bring a few fresh things up with them also. I'm hoping that they stay overnight so we can go into the city the next day and do something but who knows. I doubt J will come, this will be the first of my shows she's missing (I think). But whatever.
I finally saw "No Strings Attached" last night. I can not tell you how much I loved it!! I could totally see myself as Emma a lot of the time.
I was just laughing by myself in my room... like full on cracking up! I think it's good when you can laugh by yourself, or at yourself (even when you're alone). I make myself laugh all the time. I trip over things, think I'm getting attacked by birds, circle mailboxes because I'm not 100% sure how they work. It's all good. It's those little things that make me who I am.
Oh. And my AC is leaking... like a lot. It could be a possible reason for the buggies. ICK. Okay, peace.
I just walked back to my apartment from dress rehearsal in this god awful weather. Oh man. Interesting walk though. I'm not gonna say much right now, I'll update this post later cause I really wanna dance right now and choreograph. Anyway, another amazing video. This one kinda makes me forget about C (a little bit)... hot men and the lyrics... it's all good :) I am IN LOVE with 57 seconds <3
Okay, so it's morning now... we had a 2 hour delay, not that I was planning on going to my 9:30am class anyway. So I have a dance class 3:30-5 and then call for the show is at 6pm. I'll just hang out there.
Oy, and I have a pimple on the inside of my nose... oh. my. god. Hurts like a BITCH! Even just moving my nose, like if I wiggle it... ow!
I'm happy I didn't get sick (yet) I'm gonna take some more vitamin C, I was popping them last night when I got back. Walking back was rough. It was me and one of the other dance majors, P. Wow, well.. I got brain freeze, almost fell, got stuck in the snow (this always happens though), we were in the middle of the street and had no idea, then the snow was up past my knees so we HAD to walk in the tire tracks in the street because nothing was plowed. And the snow hurt too! We just screamed and made awkward noises the whole way back. I can't really see what it looks like out now cause I have a view of a brick wall and that's it. Kind of sucks, but I love everything else about my apartment.
I think I'm gonna stay here next year too... Yeah, I am.
Oh and Friday night, C sent me a picture of his daughter... she's a cutie. I also talked to the guy that did my tattoo to see if he'd be around next weekend for my next one and he was like "for u of course babe" and then he sent a heart. I love this guy! I love bein called babe, and cutie, which he has also said to me. I would so much rather be the cute, adorable girl than be hot or sexy. Maybe on night if I'm going out I wouldn't mind hot or sexy... but in general... I like to be cute. I think that I have a cute personality to go with it. Plus I'm a goofball... and I love being a goofball. I love when guys are goofy too (hence why I love 57second in the video).
I don't have much to say, just a little rambling. It's all good... things are going alright.I just woke up, so yeah. I should try to get some tanning in today but I really don't wanna use my own money because all I have is like $30 and I need more than that for my tattoo... I'm thinking like, $60? Damn... gotta double that shit. I was counting on at least getting paid for some of the pilates classes I'm teaching but I won't get paid right away. Oy. That was gonna be my tanning money ($15 a class... this term I would only get paid for one of my two classes so $15 a week). Damn.
I just realized that I do have things in my life to be proud of myself for.... even if one of them is just getting out of bed in the morning.
Baby steps my darlings... I will take baby steps.
You know what I don't get though? How when a sad song comes on... I keep listening to it.
Key word there... WAS. This song makes me think of C so much. Yesterday I wasn't that bad in regards to the whole C situation. Today this song came on, and now I can't stop playing it... he wanted to put up with me. I just keep seeing the image of that text in my head.
"I wanted to put up with u"
He knows how completely insane I am and he wanted to put up with me.
I held it in until I got back to my apartment. Then I fell apart. I'm sort of zoned out right now... I feel like I'm gonna break down again any minute. I wish my friend S (the one in another country for forever) was still here. I wish he still lived across the hall. I wish I could just knock on his door and say "I need a hug". I wish C was here. I wish he wasn't making me feel this way. I've never felt this way because of a boy. How can one person... make you feel so much?
It's fine. I'll get through it somehow... Baby steps. I may be sad today, but god dammit I got out of bed.
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Update: After posting this I wrapped myself up and laid down in a sad little ball... maybe after half hour-forty minutes I hear the little skype ringy sound... it was S. We talked for a little over an hour. I feel much less sad right now. I swear he has perfect fucking timing. Let's hope it lasts :)
Oh, and a teacher told our class yesterday to stop trying to be so perfect. It kinda hit home for me... well... I mean I was looking right at me when he said it. I know it's because he read my paper where I said that I'm just never good enough for myself.
