Tuesday, January 25, 2011

And you're still alright....

I just realized that I do have things in my life to be proud of myself for.... even if one of them is just getting out of bed in the morning. 

Baby steps my darlings... I will take baby steps.

You  know what I don't get though? How when a sad song comes on... I keep listening to it.

Key word there... WAS. This song makes me think of C so much. Yesterday I wasn't that bad in regards to the whole C situation. Today this song came on, and now I can't stop playing it... he wanted to put up with me. I just keep seeing the image of that text in my head.

"I wanted to put up with u"

He knows how completely insane I am and he wanted to put up with me. 

I held it in until I got back to my apartment. Then I fell apart. I'm sort of zoned out right now... I feel like I'm gonna break down again any minute. I wish my friend S (the one in another country for forever) was still here. I wish he still lived across the hall. I wish I could just knock on his door and say "I need a hug". I wish C was here. I wish he wasn't making me feel this way. I've never felt this way because of a boy. How can one person... make you feel so much?

It's fine. I'll get through it somehow... Baby steps. I may be sad today, but god dammit I got out of bed.


Update: After posting this I wrapped myself up and laid down in a sad little ball... maybe after half hour-forty minutes I hear the little skype ringy sound... it was S. We talked for a little over an hour. I feel much less sad right now. I swear he has perfect fucking timing. Let's hope it lasts :)

Oh, and a teacher told our class yesterday to stop trying to be so perfect. It kinda hit home for me... well... I mean I was looking right at me when he said it. I know it's because he read my paper where I said that I'm just never good enough for myself.


  1. Glad you were able to talk to S and that you feel better hun *hugs*

  2. I always enjoy the pictures you post in your posts.
    I hope the good feeling stays. :)

  3. I am never sure whether to thank people for following but I shall do so all the same.
    There is a beauty in music that we can not lend ourselves to understand unless we are stuck out of reality. Guess we have then?
    The song is really lovely, bet you'll have me playing it on repeat later actually. I've been listening to For The First Time by The Script. Not an obvious one, but the end of the song makes you want to start it up again.

    So amazed you got out of bed, I usually find myself out of it all for a whole day or more on days like that. Brilliant, darling.

    Wishing you consistency and strength, it looks like you're doing us all proud already though X