I just realized that I do have things in my life to be proud of myself for.... even if one of them is just getting out of bed in the morning.
Baby steps my darlings... I will take baby steps.
You know what I don't get though? How when a sad song comes on... I keep listening to it.
Key word there... WAS. This song makes me think of C so much. Yesterday I wasn't that bad in regards to the whole C situation. Today this song came on, and now I can't stop playing it... he wanted to put up with me. I just keep seeing the image of that text in my head.
"I wanted to put up with u"
He knows how completely insane I am and he wanted to put up with me.
I held it in until I got back to my apartment. Then I fell apart. I'm sort of zoned out right now... I feel like I'm gonna break down again any minute. I wish my friend S (the one in another country for forever) was still here. I wish he still lived across the hall. I wish I could just knock on his door and say "I need a hug". I wish C was here. I wish he wasn't making me feel this way. I've never felt this way because of a boy. How can one person... make you feel so much?
It's fine. I'll get through it somehow... Baby steps. I may be sad today, but god dammit I got out of bed.
Update: After posting this I wrapped myself up and laid down in a sad little ball... maybe after half hour-forty minutes I hear the little skype ringy sound... it was S. We talked for a little over an hour. I feel much less sad right now. I swear he has perfect fucking timing. Let's hope it lasts :)
Oh, and a teacher told our class yesterday to stop trying to be so perfect. It kinda hit home for me... well... I mean I was looking right at me when he said it. I know it's because he read my paper where I said that I'm just never good enough for myself.