Monday, January 31, 2011

Yup... I sunk that low...

I hate being sick... especially when it means I can't work out and that I'm stuck in my apartment all fucking day. I hate it. I feel fat and gross and dirty and ugly and stupid and worthless. I hate my life right now. I want to throw up... but I'm not that kind of sick. I have a sore throat. I hate it. I hate feeling this way. I want it to stop. I want to go to the gym. I need to dance. It's really warm in here. Maybe I can sweat the sick out. I keep taking sudafed and vitamin C. I hate being sick so much! My skin feels oily. My arms feel jiggly. My legs feel huge. I'm so over this crap!

What is it about seeing my own blood that's so relieving? It amazes me how something so small can cause so much damage.

I sunk to a whole new level today. I literally dissected my razors (like the ones I use for shaving) and took all the blades out because mine have gotten so dull. They don't make it easy to get them out either... it was a process, and I got a few cuts on my hands and fingers just trying to get them out. But I think I have it down to a science now. 

I'm laying down now... my pile of small blades still sitting on my desk... 

I started at my wrist, as per usual, but since I'm going for a tattoo on Saturday I know P is gonna ask me to see the first one... so I just have a scratch there. I started going further up my arm though... just below the elbow. And of course, the top of my leg is a sheer mess.

This really needs to stop.


  1. Oh hun, I've been there dissecting my own razors (it was very difficult aswell)
    But it's not the way, i know things seem to hopeless and things don't seem worth it. But they are! If you don't think they are now, they will be.
    Keep your head up and stay safe

  2. I've torn apart razors too. Most of the time, it wasn't even mine. Please be safe.

  3. Make sure you disinfect the razors so the possibility of infection is reduced hun and please take care and stay safe hun *hugs*