I think accidentally dying my hair so dark is triggering me....

So I've been wanting to put some hi-lights in my hair... lighten it up a bit, add some texture... ya know? But my roots looked like shit so I had to dye full color first.


Now I never get upset when the color comes out wrong, it happens all the time. And I've accidentally dyed my hair black many-a-time... but for some reason this time it's really upsetting me.


And now I have to re-dye it to get a lighter brown before I can even hi-light it.

And underneath where the pink and blue used to be had been a lighter brown just from the fact that it was previously bleached... now my hair is one solid color. Full on black. 


It sucks. 


And I don't know why this is upsetting me so much right now... and of course once one stupid little thing upsets me it makes everything else just come back to me... and now suddenly everything is wrong.

This song reminds me of the boy... 

I feel super gross today...

I miss C and I can't do anything about it...

I have no razors here...

My car is in the shop... there's no air in my bike...

I have no razors...

I can find something...

J's grandma just died and I'm miserable because I don't have a razor handy??
What the fuck is wrong with me?!?

This all started because of some fucking hair dye.

I can't do this anymore.

Fuck.

Make the feelings stop!

So... I realized something today...


It's not the boy that I miss. 
It's not T. 
It's C. 


I miss him so fucking much!! I felt so safe when I was with him... safe from the world... safe from myself. Like as long as I was in his arms I couldn't hurt me. All I want right now is to  be in his arms again... 


I'm not going to go on too much more about this. I wrote three pages about it this morning and couldn't stop thinking about him all day. Crap. At least I'm not as upset as before.


Here's a post from a conversation I had with him a few months ago (C convo). There's a little background info in there too.
Since then, we've talked only a few times and we were joking around... yeah, not going into it... but I miss him.
I hate feelings.
I want them to stop.


I had 3 meals yesterday!! Progress!! And I wasn't SUPER upset about it. Today I only had dinner. I may have a little bit of a snack later. I bought a few groceries (cereal type stuff) so that I have some food when my parents are here next weekend and they don't ask why there's no food. I'll ask them to bring a few fresh things up with them also. I'm hoping that they stay overnight so we can go into the city the next day and do something but who knows. I doubt J will come, this will be the first of my shows she's missing (I think). But whatever.


I finally saw "No Strings Attached" last night. I can not tell you how much I loved it!! I could totally see myself as Emma a lot of the time. 

I was just laughing by myself in my room... like full on cracking up! I think it's good when you can laugh by yourself, or at yourself (even when you're alone). I make myself laugh all the time. I trip over things, think I'm getting attacked by birds, circle mailboxes because I'm not 100% sure how they work. It's all good. It's those little things that make me who I am. 


Oh. And my AC is leaking... like a lot. It could be a possible reason for the buggies. ICK. Okay, peace.

Don't know why I haven't mentioned this...

Yeah... so after a long debate and lots of tears and back and forth I sent an e-mail Sunday night to the counseling center on campus to set up an appointment (I requested the counselor I wanted) and it took until late Monday to hear back from them. They asked for my availability, school ID, yada yada... so I replied right away. I still haven't heard a thing back.


You think when you get a 2am e-mail asking to set up an appointment that one would see it as kind of important... but no. So okay... I'm trying really hard not to change my mind. I have all these things in my head to say during the consultation just to get out in the open (ex: I don't like the traditional therapist-client thing I would much rather talk to a human being...). But I know once I get in there I won't be able to talk. Well... I shouldn't say know. I'm going to try to. We'll see. I'm really hoping this guy is a good match.


Also, I've decided that I can no longer say I'm having a "fat day". Let's be real, everyone has them... no matter how thin. But I can't call it that anymore. From now on I will simply say that I'm having a "bad body day". 


I'm itchy. I should shower. I think I have more to say but my face itches?!? CRAP. Okay, well shower time. 


Hope you lovelies are doing well <3 <3

Yup... I sunk that low...

I hate being sick... especially when it means I can't work out and that I'm stuck in my apartment all fucking day. I hate it. I feel fat and gross and dirty and ugly and stupid and worthless. I hate my life right now. I want to throw up... but I'm not that kind of sick. I have a sore throat. I hate it. I hate feeling this way. I want it to stop. I want to go to the gym. I need to dance. It's really warm in here. Maybe I can sweat the sick out. I keep taking sudafed and vitamin C. I hate being sick so much! My skin feels oily. My arms feel jiggly. My legs feel huge. I'm so over this crap!


What is it about seeing my own blood that's so relieving? It amazes me how something so small can cause so much damage.


I sunk to a whole new level today. I literally dissected my razors (like the ones I use for shaving) and took all the blades out because mine have gotten so dull. They don't make it easy to get them out either... it was a process, and I got a few cuts on my hands and fingers just trying to get them out. But I think I have it down to a science now. 


I'm laying down now... my pile of small blades still sitting on my desk... 


I started at my wrist, as per usual, but since I'm going for a tattoo on Saturday I know P is gonna ask me to see the first one... so I just have a scratch there. I started going further up my arm though... just below the elbow. And of course, the top of my leg is a sheer mess.


This really needs to stop.

Scratch that....

Well... you can disregard that last post. My friend that I was goin out with... it totally bailing. Our original plan was to go out about 2 hours ago and get some tanning in but then she didn't have the money for that so I was gonna go tanning on my own which I haven't gotten around too and then she wanted to work on homework for a while meaning we would go out later in the day but 2 hours later and she texts me with a million excuses.


Cool friends.