So today was the big day...

I went to therapy.


I actually really, really like this guy. He doesn't sit there and take notes, we just sit and talk. He's a real person. I am comfortable talking to him... I feel like one day, when I'm ready, I will be able to talk to him about the cutting. We could talk about serious things but at the same time I could also kind of joke around and laugh (which helps when I have so much anxiety around therapists). 


I told him about some of the bad experiences I've had with therapy and he was totally on my side 100%. He understands that dance is my outlet, not the cause of my eating disorder. 


I have another appointment with him Tuesday before work.


I feel really good about this.

Waiting...

Kes and Nikki, thank you so so much for your support!! This has literally consumed my entire day! The letter was written and sent. I feel somewhat better now that it's been done but I'm nervous. 


Really, I think the biggest thing is going to be getting the school to let me do this. They may not. It's gonna be tough. I may keep my Thursday appointment at the counseling center and see if they can help me out with an excuse to finish my degree from home. Really though... I have an eating disorder, I am most likely depressed (at least mildly or on occasion), and I self injure... I need to do this to take care of myself.


I'm also nervous because my mom has heart issues and I always feel like when something comes up and she ends up in the hospital that it's my fault because I'm much more stressful and difficult than just any other kid. No one ever knows what's going on with me, and I think that scares them. 


My parents are on vacation right now... I don't know if my mom will be checking her e-mail on her phone. She just got an iphone so she does have the ability to. I don't want to mess up their vacation, but I had to do it before I changed my mind.


In the e-mail I said that I didn't want to spend the next year at school and that I take better care of myself when I'm at home (they know that means food-wise, for the most part). I explained the credits and how I don't have a lot left. If I take one class every term, two classes for maybe half of that, I'll be fine. Hey, maybe since I'll be considered part-time it will be cheaper. Can you graduate part-time? I don't know. I don't know if any of this is going to work out the way I want it to. I want them to make an exception and let me do what I want. Sorry, going off topic. So I also told them how I'm sure if I talked to the director of the dance program she could help me pull a few strings. I told them I also look into counseling and how I know my mom has told me before to do this, which I have... several times, but that the counseling center here is really just useless. I assured them that this wasn't a quick decision brought on by anything, it's something that I have been thinking about for a while. I said I wanted to take better care of myself and I feel like I need to be home to do that, also dancing at home is going to be a huge help for me. I ended with,
"I don’t want you to be worried about me, there really isn’t any reason to be… but without having to go into too much detail about it I know that this is what I need to do and that this will help me a lot. There’s nothing that just made this come up, I’ve been thinking about it for a while and hopefully you can just trust my judgment that I know this is what I need right now." 
Then I said it would be easier if they just responded to this through e-mail for now.


I think my parents will want to look at other options first... but in the end, I think this is the best one for me. I just hope that it works out the way I want it to. 


I need to head out to rehearsal now. I will def. let you know when I hear a response back and keep you updated. I am crossing my fingers that this works out as planned! I do want my degree, I've come too far to give that up... but I need me too.

You're all wonderful :)

To my followers: I love you ALL. If you've read some of my most recent posts, I did get an appointment with the counselor I wanted for next Friday. I'm nervous... but I would have never been able to do it without you guys. This blog was the starting point for me being able to seek that support from someone else. 

You are all beautiful people and I hope that those of you who are in the same boat are getting the support you need or will hopefully be soon ready too. 

This one's right next to my bed :)

The world you desire can be won, it exists, it is real, IT IS YOURS.

Tired of waiting...

Still no word from the counseling center. Ate way too much today...


Other than that, it was an amazing day. I had the best day at work (again). I think I may have eaten too much because I haven't heard back from the counseling center.

I made some major revelations this morning. 

Short N Sweet. Peace out <3 <3

Don't know why I haven't mentioned this...

Yeah... so after a long debate and lots of tears and back and forth I sent an e-mail Sunday night to the counseling center on campus to set up an appointment (I requested the counselor I wanted) and it took until late Monday to hear back from them. They asked for my availability, school ID, yada yada... so I replied right away. I still haven't heard a thing back.


You think when you get a 2am e-mail asking to set up an appointment that one would see it as kind of important... but no. So okay... I'm trying really hard not to change my mind. I have all these things in my head to say during the consultation just to get out in the open (ex: I don't like the traditional therapist-client thing I would much rather talk to a human being...). But I know once I get in there I won't be able to talk. Well... I shouldn't say know. I'm going to try to. We'll see. I'm really hoping this guy is a good match.


Also, I've decided that I can no longer say I'm having a "fat day". Let's be real, everyone has them... no matter how thin. But I can't call it that anymore. From now on I will simply say that I'm having a "bad body day". 


I'm itchy. I should shower. I think I have more to say but my face itches?!? CRAP. Okay, well shower time. 


Hope you lovelies are doing well <3 <3