Saturday, May 28, 2011


Kes and Nikki, thank you so so much for your support!! This has literally consumed my entire day! The letter was written and sent. I feel somewhat better now that it's been done but I'm nervous. 

Really, I think the biggest thing is going to be getting the school to let me do this. They may not. It's gonna be tough. I may keep my Thursday appointment at the counseling center and see if they can help me out with an excuse to finish my degree from home. Really though... I have an eating disorder, I am most likely depressed (at least mildly or on occasion), and I self injure... I need to do this to take care of myself.

I'm also nervous because my mom has heart issues and I always feel like when something comes up and she ends up in the hospital that it's my fault because I'm much more stressful and difficult than just any other kid. No one ever knows what's going on with me, and I think that scares them. 

My parents are on vacation right now... I don't know if my mom will be checking her e-mail on her phone. She just got an iphone so she does have the ability to. I don't want to mess up their vacation, but I had to do it before I changed my mind.

In the e-mail I said that I didn't want to spend the next year at school and that I take better care of myself when I'm at home (they know that means food-wise, for the most part). I explained the credits and how I don't have a lot left. If I take one class every term, two classes for maybe half of that, I'll be fine. Hey, maybe since I'll be considered part-time it will be cheaper. Can you graduate part-time? I don't know. I don't know if any of this is going to work out the way I want it to. I want them to make an exception and let me do what I want. Sorry, going off topic. So I also told them how I'm sure if I talked to the director of the dance program she could help me pull a few strings. I told them I also look into counseling and how I know my mom has told me before to do this, which I have... several times, but that the counseling center here is really just useless. I assured them that this wasn't a quick decision brought on by anything, it's something that I have been thinking about for a while. I said I wanted to take better care of myself and I feel like I need to be home to do that, also dancing at home is going to be a huge help for me. I ended with,
"I don’t want you to be worried about me, there really isn’t any reason to be… but without having to go into too much detail about it I know that this is what I need to do and that this will help me a lot. There’s nothing that just made this come up, I’ve been thinking about it for a while and hopefully you can just trust my judgment that I know this is what I need right now.
Then I said it would be easier if they just responded to this through e-mail for now.

I think my parents will want to look at other options first... but in the end, I think this is the best one for me. I just hope that it works out the way I want it to. 

I need to head out to rehearsal now. I will def. let you know when I hear a response back and keep you updated. I am crossing my fingers that this works out as planned! I do want my degree, I've come too far to give that up... but I need me too.

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