Tuesday, May 3, 2011

News to me...

So I had a private session with my pilates teacher today and she stops me MID-exercise to talk to me... she was like, "do you know people worry about you?"
Excuse me? 

Basically, three girls went to her because they were worried about me (I haven't talked to them, they basically avoid me recently). Like really, if you've got somethin to say, say it to my face. If you were really worried about me, you would tell me. If you were really worried about me, you wouldn't be avoiding me.

Now I don't know exactly what they told her. But I know one of them definatly saw some cuts on my arm one time. And with the little bits they all know, I'm sure they can piece things together. Cutting, pills, eating disorder, alcohol... GREAT.

Fucking high school Part II. I don't need this shit, I can't do this again... not without my dance studio at home, I just can't. Anyway, two major things came of this for me.

1) My pilates teacher who always saw me as a very complicated person, but having everything together and being very strong and grounded all the time (which is just what I want people to see) now has a totally different view of me. She's confused about me. Proabably thinks I have issues but won't go that far to say it. I could swear when she brought it up I saw her eyes flash over to my wrist (which was conveniently covered). She like, didn't exactly know what to say so I'm assuming she knows more than just the general they're worried about me. She was asking if I had a support system, and if I feel like I suppress stuff cause I never talk to anyone about it, and if they need a reason to be worried. My answers... yes, no, no. She also did the whole if you ever need someone to talk to shpeal. 

2) I now have a totally different view of these three girls. I haven't even really talked to any of them in weeks, if not more, and I just feel like the only reason they were ever my "friends" in the first place was because they felt like they needed to babysit me. I don't need a fucking babysitter! And the fact that I worry constantly about my inability to take care of myself and if I will ever be able to do it on my own just made that such a huge deal for me.

Another part of the reason I think they used to only be there to babysit me was because they went to my teacher in part because now that we're all over the place (three of us working, on abroad, while one is in class). They said something to her about a distance thing. Oh... so they can't look out for me now?

Let me fucking take care of myself. I know I can do it. Yeah, I may fuck up a lot... but at least I'm trying. And I woke up already in a pretty bad mood (stress and no sleep)... but other than that I was doing so well. Reading (and slowly working on) recovery books. Freedom from eating disorders, having a positive body image, growing as a person, finding out who the FUCK I am.

I've even decided that i I am ever to see a therapist, who I am going to go to. The only therapist that may be able to help me (if I'm unable to help myself that is). He's a real person, unlike all the damn people I got stuck with. No fake smiles, no alter-ego, no games. Or so he says. 

I haven't called yet, but I wrote his number down in the front of his book.

Three issues:
1) I can't make that commute until summer, then would have to take a year off, and assuming I get into the grad school of my choice could go back.
2) Money? Hello?? I mean, I know my parents would do whatever they could so that I could get the help I needed... but I just don't want them to know. I don't want them to know I'm failing myself. My mom was already in therapy once before because of me. I can't stand her knowing I'm not okay. 
3) He's an internationally known ED specialist. So it won't just show up that I was in therapy when I go to get a job... it will show that is was with an internationally known ED specialist, and therefore they will know a huge part of why I was there in the first place.

So anyway... I probably had something else to say but it's late, I'm tired, I have laundry going...

I feel like a huge, fate, disgusting mess. I hate everything about myself right now. I just want to get a break. I need a break. I'll be home for three days this weekend. Hopefully I get to have some fun (and not call the boy). Then it's back here for more hell days. I can't fucking wait to get out of this dump. I'm stressin so much over not having dance here... I'll need to find classes Tues/Wed and then everything else I'll have to do at home or nearby. This means paying extra for dance. Time to save up!!

Anyway, I'm out... that was a really brief overview of why I dislike the human population so much. Kids are great, the little guys know whats up. But it's the big people I can't stand. Nothing against you guys, you're all sweet and supportive... but I don't have many of those kind of people outside of here. Not really, not that I can trust....

Well... goodnight (or morning depending on where you are in the world). I hope you are all well <3


  1. Well that is shit but at least they are showing you (in a way) that they do care. I know it's hard to have people "rat you out" but they probably just want you to be okay. I want you to be okay too. I hope you find someone (a therapist would be really good) who you can talk to, to get things sorted out. I just want you to be happy and not have to deal with all this shit. You deserve so much more than this. Please stay safe and don't be too mad at them.

  2. *hugs* not sure what to say so just leaving some kind words and love