Friday, January 21, 2011

I'm Alive....

Still wish I wasn't. But I'm here. I thought you guys had the right to know after my last little freak out. I'm not doin too hot today. Exhausted. Really, exhausted. I have to be up soon. Oh my god, tomorrow is going to be such a long day. I haven't even been able to get to the gym, and I don't have money for tanning. Wow. My life sucks. Is this really how I define my life? I dunno. 

What I do know is I never understand how people think grades and whatever are so series. Like, one of my teachers was pissed at me for not checking my e-mail and made this big deal over nothing. Really? Is checking my e-mail really the  most important thing in my life right now? I physically can not move (yet I'm still dancing). And I've been spending the day trying to make sure my friend from home doesn't end up in the hospital because of her douche of an ex-boyfriend. Yeah, let me go check my fucking e-mail. Sorry I haven't been able to get to that.

It just pisses me off that some people in the world think all this shit is so important, but really, is it? We were talking about adolescents in my pediatric psychology class and how they see maybe a day into the future whereas we see much further... Personally, I don't look that far into the future, but at the same time I don't stress over the stupid little stuff. I mean I do, but not to the point of life or death situations. Really, all I'm trying to do in my life right now is stay alive. And it's hard, because I don't fucking want to be alive. I'm just hanging onto this false hope that things will get better. 

I just feel fat and disgusting and I fucking hate that the way I look or feel like I look defines my mood. I hate that something so minor controls me and consumes my life. I feel so fucking selfish all the time! 

Oh, yeah, so the dancing... I have a bad back to begin with to the point that just laying down is painful for me (I'm convinced my huge ass plays a role in this) and I have an old hip injury that makes it painful to even sit down. So the back is always acting up, the hip does now and then but it's been about 3 years so nothing as bad as when I first injured it...and it doesn't hurt right away when I sit, it takes some time. But yeah, I messed it up pretty bad again yesterday. So now, I can't sit, lay down, stand, walk, put weight on my left leg, anything. Fuck that shit. I figured it out though... the reason I can't stop dancing even when I'm hurt. I put it into words. I dance through the physical pain because I don't know how else to deal with the emotional pain.

Ughh, it's so cold in here. Boo. I don't wanna get up and turn the heat up. Sorry I'm totally just ranting right now. Typing keeps me busy. I feel like I have more to say. I don't know.

Oh, but here's an update. I'm going to be living in the same apartment next year... just me. All by my lonesome. Yupp. My friend hates that I live alone right now. Or did. I don't know, we haven't spoken in like 4 days. This is J by the way. It was whatever. I'm over it. I'm not gonna stress over this fucking shit anymore. I need to prioritize and get my life in order. 

I seriously just want to sleep. I want to be done with all this fucking shit. I want a fucking day off. Really? Is that too much to ask? I mean, and I'm honored that my piece from last concert is in our repetoire and one of the first ones to ever be reconstructed on the freshman dance company... but I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask for all of this extra work and another day of rehearsals. I literally don't have one day off. Ever. Not even holidays. How the fuck am I supposed to take care of myself under such stressful conditions?

I've been thinking about dropping out of college. I have mixed feelings about it. I really just want to go home. I could be a dance teacher. Problem solved. I am excited for my internship... but 3 more years of this shit? And the last 2 I won't be getting as much dancing in as I need. I need a certain amount of dance in my life everyday just to fucking function. I hate it. Not dance. School. I don't know what I wanna do with my life. I'm going to be terrible at helping people. I don't even know if I want to do it. I'm going to fucking burn out. Like really early on.

I've burned out so many times in my life. I've crashed through rock bottom and kept falling so many times... I don't think I can do any of it again. I really don't. And I don't want to. But I'm not strong enough to hold my shit together anymore. Oh my god, like seriously? What the fuck am I going on about?? I don't even know. Ugh. I write a lot. I'm sorry. Ughh! I hate me.

Ughh, my life.

What have I become? Who am I? I just want to cry sometimes... to not pretend I'm so strong, but I really don't even know how any more. I can't cry. I can't feel. I'm so fucking numb. I want to feel... but I'm afraid it will be too much for me to handle. I can't deal with all that. I can't keep my eyes open. I'm fucking tired. I'm too fat. I ate. I ate too much. I shouldn't have ate. I hate me. I wasn't hungry. I wasn't. I'm not. Fail. I am a fail. My life is a fail.

I'm really sorry. I'll stop boring you now.



  1. No, you weren't boring me. I wish you felt happier. I wish you weren't in pain (physical and emotional and mental). I hope things turn out better for you in the end. I hope you can start to see the light. I want to see it too. Stay strong. Be safe.