I need your help...

So... as I'm sure many of you know, I am currently a junior in college. I have one year left (9 required classes, 2 of which I am trying to take online over the summer while I'm still doing my internship). Anyway... I've been thinking this for a long time and it's about time I do something, I know what I need to do but it's telling my parents that's difficult for me. I don't know if I ever mentioned this but for some reason I can't even tell my parents I love them... which I do, so it's weird. 

But, this is what I need to do.

This term is over in one week. I have a performance this week so I'll be busy with rehearsals and such, my parents will be here this weekend, and then I'll be home the weekend after before summer starts.

Summer is fine. I work Tues, Wed, Thurs... my job is only 15 minutes further from home than my apartment on campus... so I can go home Thursday night-Tuesday morning. I'll spend two nights a week in my apartment at school. No big. I'll be home majority of the time.

So then after that's done. Senior year. I hate it here. I have no friends. I isolate myself. I'm not taking care of myself the way I should be. I'm not happy. I can't do this for another year.

My plan is to go home. We're not talking dropping out here... but if I spend senior year at home, I can take the rest of my required classes online (maybe some electives if I need the credits or possibly get some credits at community college and transfer them over, I don't have the nitty gritty details yet). But I'm done with my dance classes so I don't need to be on campus. I can live at home, take online classes, dance at my studio at home for the year, and go see a therapist (since on the counseling center here really sucks). 

Now, I think as far as the school goes, I can talk to the director of my program and have her help me out. And I think schools are usually accommodating with this type of thing... but I don't want to be diagnosed with anything... I just know that in order to take care of myself this is what I need to do. Come spring term I can drive in once a week for a class I need to take that's three hours long... that's not a problem at all. 

I think if my parents see I am finally admitting things aren't okay and trying to reach out for help they will be understanding and we can work something out. I want to finish school, I just don't want to be here. I want to get things sorted out before grad school... I really do. I just don't want them to know anything is wrong. 

I think that I am going to write them a letter/e-mail because it will be easier for me and I just hope that they won't want too many details and can just trust that I know that this is whats best for me. I know it is... I just don't know how to tell them. 

I could probably say more... but I'm not going to. I woke up with a killer headache and then I started thinking about all this shit and I'm crying and I HATE crying. So... yeah... if you have any advice on how to go about this, suggestions, past experiences with doing this kind of thing that might help me out, I would really appreciate it. This whole asking for help thing is kinda new to me and I'm still not totally a fan of it...

Chin Up

Whaddup 5:30am!!


I think that I can safely say I have insomnia at this point in my life. So I've decided I'm going to make more videos of just me talking. I think I might make one tomorrow, possibly with that whole "series of unfortunate events" that I keep putting off. But anyway, until then... I made this video a few hours ago. I was just watching old dance videos and yeah... I really do miss my dance studio. I miss everything about it. I miss dancing like that, I miss dancing that much. I miss it all. It was my home. I pretty much lived at the studio and that was who I was. 

I was the girl that was always at the dance studio. 

I assisted all of the children's classes. 

I was always there taking class. 

I did pilates downstairs 7 days a week. 

I was in charge of everything for competition. 

I was always in the office doing homework or stuff for the studio or stuff for competition. 

If anyone ever needed me, they knew exactly where to find me. Everyone knew me there... all of the kids loved me. And I loved them. 

But I'm not that girl anymore. 

I'm 21 years old and I'm in college. 

I'm a nothing now. 

Anyway... I made this video because dance is the reason I'm here, dance is the reason I can get myself to smile, dance is my everything... it's what keeps me going. It's why I'm still fighting. I really don't know if any of this is gonna make sense to any of you but... yeah... that's all I have to say for now.

Late Night Insanity

So of course today was less than okay, as per usual. There was a costume thing that I wasn't all too happy about. Anyway, I'm wide awake in the middle of the night and not really okay, so I decided to run down to the gym in my apartment complex real quick. It's 24 hours so it's great... but with all of this damn construction and whatnot it was closed.


Now, I didn't know this prior to going down because I've been using the campus gym lately and haven't really been to the one here in a while. Anyway, it was closed... and it's frigid out. Needless to say, I'm fuckin pissed off. I would've just went for a run, but it's cold and super icy. I don't really care about the whole being alone at 1 something AM in a city by myself... it's whatever. 


So anywhere, here I am... perfectly painted black nails, speed walking around the courtyard of my apartment complex chain smoking cigarettes at 1:30am. I haven't smoked in weeks. Oh how I missed it...


I would work out more in my apartment but I have a friend stayin here tonight, I'll wait until she's asleep and do some abs and maybe more leg weights if I can find them in the dark.


This is my life. Wow. Really... who does shit like this? Trying to burn calories while smoking... in the middle of the night... outside in the icy cold weather...


Yeah... late night insanity is what it is.