Monday, July 23, 2012

Vent Sesh

I'm hating everything right now... and hating myself for hating things cause if it weren't for my screwed up brain things would be going pretty damn decent right now. I mean... I might not have any friends... but I'm doing what I love and having fun and for the most part keeping busy and making some money. 

But no. I have to be fucked up and not able to enjoy anything in life.

I haven't cut since July 8th... I really want to though. I probably won't tonight though. Don't have the energy. I ate SO much today. I mean, okay... I dunno. I just feel disgusting. I'll probably restrict tomorrow... and go back on fat burners for about a week or so.  

I just don't know what's wrong with me... and there's so many things in my head, and I can't even begin to form sentences or put words together. Right now there's no words. No thoughts. Just the way I feel in my body. That's it. 

I just... I need to be skinny again so badly. I can't take this anymore. I really, really can't. I wish stepping on a scale would just trigger me back into anorexia instead of making me suicidal. Wow...  now there's a fucked up thought for you. Talk about having issues...

I should be in therapy... I just can't bring myself to ask my parents again. I can't. Cause then they worry and my mom asks questions and every time I fuck up my mom ends up in the hospital. 

I'm more convinced than ever that I'm bipolar. I really am... part of me wants to find out for sure, like, maybe having that diagnosis will make me feel less crazy... but I don't want it to mess up my career and I don't want to end up using it as an excuse. I mean, I've never been that type of person, but who knows. I feel like I might be ready to hear that... mentally... but then what if I'm really not? Then I'm just some crazy fucktard who can't control her moods or emotions. I'm just the 22 year old girl who can't physically take care of herself. I'm just overdramatic about everything. 

Ugh... I dunno. I just need to get rid of all this damn fat so I can have some room to think! Like... I try to think, or concentrate, or focus... and I can't. There's nothing in my head. Just how physically disgusting I feel.

I am physically more comfortable in a smaller body. Unless you've been different sizes, you don't understand how physically different it feels to be in one body vs. another. 
The difference in what it feels like walking with your thighs touching or not. 
The difference in being able to stand up straight and suck in your belly or not.
The different in laying on your back and feeling a double chin or not.
The different in waving your arm and feeling all the flab jiggle or not.
You don't know what it's like unless you've been at both ends. And once you have... you learn your preference. You learn where you're comfortable. You learn what feels good.

This... this doesn't feel good. Speaking of not feeling good... my ovaries are on fire. Pretty sure I just got my period. Just this second. Fuck my life. Let the bloating begin!! Ugh. I knew it was coming. The amount of chocolate I've been consuming was a clear sign. The pickle cravings probably too. 

But anyway. I should go to bed. I'm still getting over being sick from 2 weeks ago and now think I'm already starting to get sick again. Like seriously? Fuck that.

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