Wednesday, September 21, 2011


I have never been more ashamed of cutting than I am right now. I can't believe myself. It had been one month... and now FAT will forever be in my leg. I'll see what I can do with Neosporin and scar therapy gels but I see it every time I look down. And I'm not sore at all from dancing but I can feel the cuts which may affect my dancing today... I'll try not to let it.

I have therapy today... I haven't told him about cutting in the past. And I don't know if I'm ready to because it's the first time I'm going back. I don't know if I ever will- it's not something I can admit out loud really. I did make myself have a muffin for breakfast this morning which I wasn't planning on doing. 

I had a very hard time sleeping last night... it was too hot then too cold then too hot. I dunno. But I woke up to birds instead of my alarm... that's cool I guess.

I don't want to say I regret cutting last night because I try to live my life with no regrets and I don't want to be that person that regrets everything in life- but I do. I regret it. I wish I hadn't done it. I'm so unbelievably disappointed in myself right now.


  1. hi hun. i dont know u in person but i red your blog when i can get online and respond at times as well. i must say i can relate with youur cutting and regretting but not. a few years ago i carved 'FAT COW'into my left thigh. it was in big huge all caps and went down rather than across my thigh. it was deep needed stitches but instead i just butterflied the cuts until they were heaed enough to leave them be. they left scars for a little while but now - i cant even see them unless i really look hard. sometimes i use black sharpie and retrace the words instead of recarving. the sensation of pain as punishment is not the same but the shame of the words being there is. im not sure if that would help you in the furture or not but sometimes it works for me other times only the blade and blood work.
    lastnight was also a first in a long time for me. i used my keys and i scratched my wrist until it was bleeding and i was at an ANAD meeting. im lucky they didnt see me. please be careful and if youever need anything please post me a message to the blog or my personal email i can send if you would like it. we are very much alike and although can never truly feel 100% the same - we can relate and sometimes having tha makes all the difference in the world.

  2. I have fat written on my leg as well. Had it since Christmas evening last year...