So... Monday night I was feeling SO ready to tackle my ED recovery workbooks and really get back into it. I was looking through all of my things and super excited to start back on track with the workbook section in the end of Regain Yourself... but then Tuesday night happened.
I'm still not 100% sure what that was about but whatever. I talked to my pilates instructor and have set up my privates with her and will be going to the Monday morning 7-9am class (except this year I won't be in the teaching rotation!!) She said if I can commit to it and go regularly, which will be no biggie for me, then she will can have a specific task for me. But in any case I will be able to sort of coach the group going through the process now.
So something else that happened this week you guys might like to know... I had scheduled therapy for Wednesday afternoon. And after Tuesday night... I was really needing it. But I got an e-mail and voicemail from the office around noon (maybe earlier but I got it at noon) saying that my therapist was out sick and we would have to reschedule.
Now of course, that put a bit of a damper on things. And, of course, I still haven't rescheduled. I don't know if I can do it again. That is honestly the hard part and the problem with the counseling center at school is I don't think they give enough credit to the students who are willing to take that risk or face that fear or whatever (it's both for me). So... I'm not sure about that yet. We'll see.
Anyway... I'm home now. For the weekend.
I have no friends here.
I have no friends at school.
I fucking hate this.
But I will try to relax this weekend. I have 33 weeks until graduation (not including breaks for holidays and the week between terms). Driving home all I could think was, "I don't think I can last 33 more weeks of this". I broke down before the end of day 2 and have been a bit out of sorts ever since. 33 weeks is a long time when every day seems to last forever. It's a long time when you have no one to talk to, no one to hang out with, no one who ever calls or texts you. 33 weeks is a long time when you're stuck alone with your thoughts and behaviors. 33 weeks is forever in a place you hate.