So... Monday night I was feeling SO ready to tackle my ED recovery workbooks and really get back into it. I was looking through all of my things and super excited to start back on track with the workbook section in the end of Regain Yourself... but then Tuesday night happened.
I'm still not 100% sure what that was about but whatever. I talked to my pilates instructor and have set up my privates with her and will be going to the Monday morning 7-9am class (except this year I won't be in the teaching rotation!!) She said if I can commit to it and go regularly, which will be no biggie for me, then she will can have a specific task for me. But in any case I will be able to sort of coach the group going through the process now.
So something else that happened this week you guys might like to know... I had scheduled therapy for Wednesday afternoon. And after Tuesday night... I was really needing it. But I got an e-mail and voicemail from the office around noon (maybe earlier but I got it at noon) saying that my therapist was out sick and we would have to reschedule.
Now of course, that put a bit of a damper on things. And, of course, I still haven't rescheduled. I don't know if I can do it again. That is honestly the hard part and the problem with the counseling center at school is I don't think they give enough credit to the students who are willing to take that risk or face that fear or whatever (it's both for me). So... I'm not sure about that yet. We'll see.
Anyway... I'm home now. For the weekend.
I have no friends here.
I have no friends at school.
I fucking hate this.
But I will try to relax this weekend. I have 33 weeks until graduation (not including breaks for holidays and the week between terms). Driving home all I could think was, "I don't think I can last 33 more weeks of this". I broke down before the end of day 2 and have been a bit out of sorts ever since. 33 weeks is a long time when every day seems to last forever. It's a long time when you have no one to talk to, no one to hang out with, no one who ever calls or texts you. 33 weeks is a long time when you're stuck alone with your thoughts and behaviors. 33 weeks is forever in a place you hate.
hey hun, remember you always have friends on here. i know its not the same as a person to person friend - i have none also. i think the hard part is the ed really makes us alone even when we arent. i have a husband and 3 kids, a therapist, dr and psyche - but im alone. i can only share so much with kids, and a husband with so much already going on - i cant worry him more. i have no friends. my dr is once every 3 months as is my psyche and they are 15 min checkup blocks - not for socializing or really talking. my therapist is weekly but like last week had to get cancelled so nothing is guaranteed. another words - i can totally relate to being alone with all your thoughts, behaviors and self hatred. for me im stuck alone in my house from 1am until 330pm. then even when people are home - im still alone. please dont feel so lonely and email back here - i read your posts and i will respond as often as i can get on here (i cant blog when hubby is here he freaks out and i share my laptop right now with my 14 yr old).
ReplyDeleteHave a wonderful day - ill read your next post. smile and think of 3 positive things about you - it will help! (((HUGS)))
The best thing about this online-community-thing is that you'll always have a bunch of (sorta) friends, ready to listen to you and give you advises! We'll always be here, remember?
ReplyDelete33 weeks is a long time, but try and split it up a bit, maybe? Like, start with just until next holiday. Or, if that's too long, then until something (I don't know what?) happens. (Like, a birthday, or christmas, or something like that. You get this Idea?)
Just take a deep breath, and try to relax a bit. Take each day at a time, and in a year you'll look back and think "that wasn't so bad" or "wow, that actually happend pretty fast", I'm sure.
Just stay strong girl!
Keep fighting!