I miss you.

And not just like... you... but being with you, talking every day, hanging out after class every night, cuddling in your bed, watching movies together, holding hands, kissing in the snow, talking to you, everything...

I know it doesn't make, like, any sense... and I know that you probably don't feel the same way... but I really wish we could try again. I want to try now that I'm less likely to mess it all up. 


You weren't an asshole to me... ever. I just told myself that you were because I was afraid to let you in, afraid to let someone get close... but you've showed me that I don't have to be afraid. I still am- but I'm willing to try. I'm willing to open up and not fight with you. 


I just want to see you... I just need one of your super long I'm-not-ready-to-let-go-yet hugs.


I just want to lay with you and look up at the clouds... look at the stars... talk about everything and nothing...

I want to try.

Unhealthy Cycle

So I figured out why I'm so bitter over the situation with the boy and decided not to call him anymore. We've gotten into this cycle of having sex, me not hearing from him, me calling him when I'm back in town, having sex, me not hearing from him, me calling him when I'm back in town, having sex... get it? 


So yeah... I have no problems with that. It's nothing that's really breaking me down emotionally or anything. But this pattern we've gotten into is subconsciously reinforcing the fact that I don't feel like I'm enough. He's the type of guy I could see bangin' a different girl every night... and I just happen to be at the top of his list when I'm in town.... okay.... that sounds really bad. He is a nice guy. He isn't doing any of this intentionally. But either way... I can't afford to have reinforcers of me not being enough. He just wants me for sex. And that's fine. But then what about everything else? 


That means I'm not pretty enough, I'm not skinny enough, I'm not tan enough, I'm not healthy enough, I'm not crazy enough, I'm not sane enough, I'm not happy enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm not nice enough, I'm not bitchy enough, I'm not interesting enough, I'm not funny enough, I'm not confident enough, I'm not important enough... no need to continue...


And I really am doing well (whether noticeable or not, I can feel the slightest changes). Things I'm starting to realize... although I don't believe them yet.


So I've decided to not go down that road anymore. I don't want to backtrack. And there are people who regardless of the situation, I know will stand by me. T is one of them... even if we go through long periods of not seeing each other or really talking. But if I need something... I know I can always count on him to be there, if for nothing else than just talk to me. 


Ugh... and worst part of the T situation right now... is I think that I want him back. He's not feelin' the same way though... I know it. I wonder what would've happened if I opened up earlier on. I think it's better how we are now because we've gotten closer in the last year... but... yeah, who knows if that'll change anything now. 


We just need one good drunken night in the same place to start things up :)