Thursday, February 2, 2012

Dance is all I have...

So I'm like really upset and overwhelmed right now and a lot of it is because of the show. I like... NEVER get in any good pieces. I never actually get to dance, I'm NEVER in a piece I enjoy... it makes me not look forward to performing and being up on stage. I hate it. 

Dance has always been the one constant in my life, the one thing I could always count on. Being on stage used to take everything bad away from me... and now I just hate it.

I know I'm not that good, but I don't get challenged. Back at home, I got to compete and do solos because they knew I wanted to, they knew how committed I was, they knew how fucking hard I work... not here. Give me something I can't fucking do and I WILL DO IT. 

It almost makes me feel like no one believes in me anymore. Like, even though I've never been that good... back home they challenged me because they knew I wanted it, they knew I could handle it, they knew I would improve. Here... I don't get that. Four fucking years and I've only been in shit pieces. And everyone knows it. I run, I sit in a chair, I stare at my hands, I'm blindfolded, I'm hanging off the front of the stage dead the entire piece. 

I just want to fucking dance. I want to go home and I want to dance.

Like, I'm honestly crying right now. Not as much as I need to... but it's a start. 

I hate this. I just wanna go home.

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