Tuesday, February 28, 2012

I'm too fat...

Fat, fat, fat.
Fat, fat, fat.

Today is 21 days without cutting and 18 days without diet pills. I need those pills. I feel worse about my body every damn day without them. I'm going to the gym more... and I feel like I'm just getting fatter. I'm gaining weight. My body is isolating me. I couldn't find anything to wear so I skipped classes today. I don't wanna go tomorrow. I can't take shots before my 9am class... they won't last until 7:30pm. I don't want to be in front of mirrors. I want to dance. I need to dance. I have to move. But I don't want to see my body. I want to cut off all the fat. Oh my god... I can't do this. It's too much.

I honestly don't know what to do. I won't go back to therapy. I just won't. I don't know what options I even have. I just need to loose weight. Fuck! But my metabolism is so fucked up. What if without the pills I'll just gain and gain and gain and gain and gain and never stop? 

I hate this. I hate all of it. I keep thinking I'm doing good but I'm not, I'm not doing good. I'm freakin' out! I hate fat. I hate my body. I hate myself. I hate everything! Ughh.. I can't do this. I just can't.

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