Monday, January 2, 2012

That's it!

I'm fucking tired of this shit. I'm fat as hell, my body is SHIT, I'm pale, I'm flabby, I'm ugly, I have dark circles under my eyes, my hair is like ALL split ends cause I'm too afraid of getting it trimmed and being so upset I fuckin' slice my leg open again.


Well I bought some fat burners the other night. The SQ Razor was on sale for $20. I need to take more pills. I'm going to the gym tomorrow, getting my nails done, going tanning, buying diet pills. I'm going to be skinny. I won't have time for lunch tomorrow. That's fine. Maybe I can pretend to go out with one of my "friends" in attempt to skip dinner. I don't need it. And I need to get back on top of my nightly workout routine... every night. Just like I used to.

I will be skinny.

That's the only way I'll know I can be fucking happy. And maybe a guy would want me then... or at least want me for sex since so guys even want that right now.

So that's it. I don't need a guy. I'm gonna focus EVERYTHING on being skinny again. EVERYTHING. 

It'll keep my mind off all the other shit and I won't sit around thinking up new ways of killing myself.

I hate my body. I hate everything about it.

I want thin arms. Thin legs. I want my thighs to not touch again. I want to see more of my collar bones, hip bones, and shoulder bones. I want a defined jaw line. I don't want my fucking FACE to be so god damn FAT! I want to be able to fucking SMILE without worrying about my face being insanely HUGE. I want to actually be okay with taking pictures... not just pictures... pictures of my whole body. OMG. IMAGINE FUCKING THAT. I could get rid of that camera anxiety with this simple solution. LOOSE WEIGHT. OMG!! Who knew?!? Maybe I'll go to the gym twice. Who knows. Fuck. I can't tomorrow... but I can do a more intense home workout before I jump in the shower. 

I should really turn my phone off too... it's not like anyone ever calls or texts me or anything but I'm so fucking paranoid and I just WANT them to so badly that I like need to have it with me... we'll see. If I can fit in the massage tomorrow, I'll do that... otherwise I'll go Tuesday. 

I will get my happiness back and I will be skinny.

I don't care if it fuckin' kills me.

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