Friday, January 20, 2012


Wow... I still can't believe what happened yesterday... like... it just seems so unreal. I can't. I'm like really upset about it... but still processing it. Okay... yeah... so I guess I should explain...

I saw the director of the dance program, M, on Sunday and she said her and O (the other full time dance staff at school) wanted to talk to me so we set up a "meeting" Wednesday between two of my dance classes. I kind of had a bad feeling about it... like, "oh shit, they noticed my wrist" or something.

So I get out of class (it was O's class) and J was sitting outside the studio (another dance teacher, he didn't have a class). Everyone was kind of like, why's J here?

Well... it turns out he was there for me. I realized that when he went over to M's office. So... we all go into the tiny little office... me... and three of my dance teachers. I had no idea what was gonna happen but I knew it wasn't gonna be good. 

Basically, the three of them (along with other teachers) where concerned about me... they feel like I've been more distant and that I've sort of been on auto piolet and they wanted to reach out to me and make sure I knew they were there for me and that I had support. Oh god, I can't even handle this right now... 

I think I told you guys about how I told M in the spring I wanted to finish senior year online and told her I was going to look into counseling... so she asked if I was in any kind of counseling right now. I'm sorry this is seriously like so hard to process right now, I'm trying to write it down and keep having these moments... I hate when people care about me. Okay, so I told them I wasn't anymore and when they asked why I told them about having to go to the doctor and therefore stopping... so they wanted to know why he would say that and why I was saying anyone I want to would say that so I told them I have a "history of eating disorders". 

They were really being supportive... it's just... it brings up emotion. I can't handle any kind of emotion... so anyway, they were trying to tell me why therapy is good and telling me all these things I say to other people when they come to me and they said they were all available if I ever needed to talk about anything. They were asking what I was afraid of with the doctor, so I told them I didn't like them or trust them and that I've had bad experiences with doctors (and therapists) in the past. 

I told them I've been to about 6 different therapists and no one was ever able to help me. Nothing ever worked. There was the one case that just made things worse... I told them how my mom wanted to send me to some kind of psychiatric hospital over the summer and how she had tried to get me into residential programs for eating disorders before that. I told them how I was afraid everyone was going to leave me and how I've been proved right now far... how I have no friends... how the only friends I thought I really had ditched me. How they ditched me because of this... because I'm crazy. And I'm afraid of people finding out I'm crazy (they kept assuring me I'm not, but I know that's not true). I told them how I was afraid of being sent away somewhere. I told them how I've always hated myself... for as long as I could remember... how I hate everything about myself... that I just don't like being alive.

I told them a lot. Not in detail... pretty much as much detail as I'm putting in right now... we were in there for over an hour... most of what I told them I was only really able to do with J's prompting. He also told me he didn't think there was a single thing wrong with me, eating disorder and all. He said it didn't matter... nothing was wrong with me. 

M also asked if I was still going to the gym and I told her yes, but not every day any more... which she was really happy to hear. I didn't tell her I used to go 5 times a day sometimes... but, whatever.

They're all such inspirational people to me... and I just didn't know how to handle it. I didn't know what to say. I sort of did that thing where I unintentionally turn off my brain and there's absolutely nothing going on in my head and I just kind of stared down. There were a few really long, awkward silences... well... they were awkward for me cause I knew they were waiting for me to say something.

FUCK. I'm having such a hard time processing all of this... We spent a lot of the time with me saying there was nothing they could do for me and nothing I could do for myself and that things were better now and I feel like this is as good as it's gonna get for me. I'm messed up. I've always been messed up. I know that. 

I won't see any of them until Monday (well, I saw M today)... and J in passing, but I was sitting talking to one of the other dance majors and I was sort of in a good-ish mood... maybe pretending a little bit cause I really hate when people worry about me and I knew he'd come out... and I didn't want to be alone in a corner in case he said something. 

They were also saying how they know I have it in me... and how I do have good things. Like, I can't say I'm not pretty because I feel pretty when I'm in a ballet class (well, a good one at least). And how much I love working with kids and how good that makes me feel and everyone notices how I light up the second I start talking about any of my kids. And they think I'm gonna be a good therapist... I just need to get through this. And I can't rely too much on dance, I can't rely only on dance because one day it won't be there (I won't let that happen though). J said he knows that the confidence is in me, it's just letting it out. He said that when I'm sitting in the lobby between classes or waiting for class or whatever, I have a smile that lights up the whole lobby. And O said I need to allow myself to be happy... it's okay to be happy. Not if every time I am something bad happens again that just makes everything 10x worse than before. 

So much for everyone not knowing how screwed up I am.

I mean, I know they totally aren't going to judge me for any of this... like, I love these teachers. But I just can't believe this fucking happened. It's like totally unreal to me and I don't know how to deal with it or what to do about it.

M said at most, she might send me an e-mail here or there like, "are you smiling?", to remind me she's there for me. And O said she'll probably check in with me more so I don't have to go to her because it's hard asking for help. And J said he's always around and he already does check in with me from time to time... esp. last term. I was having a lot of issues with my back and being lightheaded (to the point I couldn't dance) and I missed SO many classes, and I NEVER miss his class and he wasn't even mad at me, he was just worried. 

They kept saying how I was worth it and how I deserve to be happy and how they were a room full of people proving to me that I'm worth it and people care. They said they wouldn't be doing this if they didn't care and if they didn't know I had it in me.

What I don't get is how since I've started feeling better... randomly I've been having people approaching me telling me they're concerned or like my mom wanting to send me away.... what I don't get is, where was everyone the last time I almost killed myself? 

Not there.

There's more.  I know there is... but I just can't do this right now... it's too much all at once. I'll update you guys when I can remember stuff or process it or just at a later time.

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