Wednesday, May 9, 2012

I Feel so Fat

I hate this... I feel fat, and disgusting, and gross.

Not to mention I'm in pain.

It's 11pm now... my chest has been hurting since 4 in the afternoon yesterday. My mom thinks it's a muscle. She thinks my potassium got too low and my muscles got tight and I strained or even pulled something in my chest doing a simple movement in class. I'm still not sure.

The pain spread to my neck and has gone a little further down my chest. It's hard to pinpoint exactly where the pain is. It hurts really badly when I breathe.

It's whatever I guess... I took it easy today because of it... no gym OR pilates (OMG WTF) and I sat out of my morning ballet class. I danced in jazz (I did tell him it was hurting) and also in ballet later (he know as well). 

I feel really gross. I'm having one of those "I-just-wanna-crawl-into-a-dark-cave-and-die" moments. I hate my life so much.

And of course yesterday was super stressful. The feedback I got from the director on my piece wasn't good. She doesn't get it and therefore wants me to change like the whole beginning. I got so pissed off and upset that by the time in the meeting I brought up the costumes I just got really upset and started crying and practically yelling at her... not even because of the costumes... just because of everything. Whatever. 

She thinks she know me so well. She thinks I give up easily and just quit at everything. She thinks I'm not going to be able to handle grad school.

If I was someone that gave up I'm PRETTY sure I would've killed myself 8 fuckin' years ago. OBVIOUSLY she didn't get the point of my piece... a life or death situation you're in control of, fighting to stay alive when all you wanna do is kill yourself, never giving up even though it would be easier... uh huh... two hours of crying and a massive headache later...

Whatever. It's my piece. I don't HAVE to make the changes she wants. I made an artistic choice and I'm sticking with it.

Oh... did I mention how she thinks I never stand up for myself?
Yet every time I do (it's usually to her because she's a bitch) she makes me feel guilty for things.

Fuck that. This is my piece. MY creative process, my artistic choices. Mine.

Whatever I'm just rambling now.

Gonna go try to get some sleep.

Oh... but one more thing... I'm fuckin' itchy!! It started like 4/5 days ago... like, I have all these little itchy bumps everywhere!!

Okay... whatever.

Goodnight <3

No comments:

Post a Comment