Confused!!

Soo, it seems like the more I hear how beautiful I am and the more compliments I receive from people, the more I feel like everyone is lying to me. I just don't see it, I never have... and I see it less now than ever.


I've heard it all...


How it breaks peoples hearts that I can't see how gorgeous I am and how they don't understand how I can't see it. How no matter how much I argue, they are going to continue to tell me...


C: the whole conversation is in one of my January posts...
- "it blows my mind that a girl so freakin gorgeous as you has no self esteem"
- "you have no idea how pretty you are"
- "i didn't like that i thought i wasn't good enough to talk to this stunningly gorgeous girl, so i did it anyway. i just didn't think that she was thinking the same things about herself."


T (ex): he was always telling how pretty I was and when I didn't agree he would make me say it out loud (which I usually refused to do). He used to check me out back in high school, or so he says, and to this day he still tells me I'm beautiful and he's always thought that... I think he always will, despite the fact my looks have changed so much. He also told me that it hurt him when I didn't think I was pretty.


S (moved away): he told me when I told him about the whole situation with the boy that I'm a pretty girl, so a lot of guys are just gonna want one thing from me... but I have to find the guy that's gonna wait, that's gonna go on walks with me and just talk.


The Boy: well obviously he was always asking me how I got to be so beautiful and complimenting my hair and my body (ew, just threw up in my mouth a little). He didn't care about my scars. I have a note on my bathroom mirror that says "Remember, you're beautiful. But not everyone's gonna see that." Or something like that... anyway, he went in there when he was here a few weeks ago and he came out, wrapped his arms around my waist and said, "You're beautiful. And I see it."


M (I have a convo. from a while ago of me being a total bitch with him): he's always telling me I'm hot and sexy and I have a nice body, blah blah blah... he literally makes me gag. I'm only putting the most recent text here but he's said many things before this also.
- "It's so sad to the point that it breaks my heart that someone as beautiful as you may never see it."


T (girl): one time in like middle school or high school or something she told me that I was the most beautiful person she knew because I didn't look like everyone else... and I didn't try to either.


And I mean there was more behind what all of them are saying than just my looks. They don't like that I'm always so hard on myself blah, blah, blah. They don't understand how I can't see what I look like to them. I wish I did. I wish I could see what they see... so bad...


I've had kids I teach ask me if I was a model, guys always telling me I'm cute (which I don't mind as much because it can imply personality). But it's really just overwhelming and I don't know what to think anymore. The more people tell me how great I look and the less I see it... I just get so confused. Am I even seeing the same damn person?!? Is it just that I have different standards of beauty?!? Both?!? I can't take it. I feel like everyone is lying to me. Everyone is out to get me. They want me to not care what I look like and get FAT. Correction: FATTER. I hate this. Oh my god. Okay... I have to stop now. Too many thoughts.

It's not about guys. It's not about how other people see me... it's about how I see myself. And I don't like what I see... so why can't I be free to change that? Why does everyone have to prevent me from changing myself so that I can be happy for once? I'm not vain, I'm really not. I just don't see it. I hate everything about myself. I hate it all... and now I'm about to cry because of all these damn compliments people keep giving me!! 

Oh yeah... and I cut again today... I'm a total failure at life. I just need to calm down before tomorrow so I don't end up buying a bottle of antifreeze...

Made today...

Kind of shitty but it's whatever.


**MAY BE TRIGGERING**

I just ate peanut butter...

Why?

Because I'm a fucking fatass, that's why.

You're all wonderful :)

To my followers: I love you ALL. If you've read some of my most recent posts, I did get an appointment with the counselor I wanted for next Friday. I'm nervous... but I would have never been able to do it without you guys. This blog was the starting point for me being able to seek that support from someone else. 

You are all beautiful people and I hope that those of you who are in the same boat are getting the support you need or will hopefully be soon ready too. 

This one's right next to my bed :)

The world you desire can be won, it exists, it is real, IT IS YOURS.

The people are so little!!

Sooo I don't know how much any of you guys know about theatre, but I got to do the most AWESOME thing today!!


You know how usually in the back corner in the wings there's a spiral staircase? Well I got to go up there, then once we got to the platform (I think it's called the crow's nest), there was a second spiral staircase that we went up so we were like 50 feet above the stage. And then we had to walk across the grid (which is basically a bunch of metal 2x4's going across the whole length of the stage but 50 feet above it. And once we got to the other side there was this little ladder we had to climb down (not far) to get to a platform where we had to change some of the weights. They called them bricks, but they were metal... so I called them super bricks.


Oh my gosh, it was so scary/exciting/fun. I would SO do that again!!


And since I'm so bad with going down stairs... it took me a while to get back down the spiral staircase. I was so proud of myself, it was my biggest accomplishment of the day, haha :)

New Contact...

So, I rarely get on to check my hotmail account and I'm never on windows live messenger anymore so since blogspot likes to connect to gmail, and I'm used to gmail from my personal account, I decided to switch over. I love getting and responding to e-mails, so if you guys want to keep in touch just shoot me an e-mail at nikki94xx@gmail.com. It's the same just the @... part is different. I also have chat on there so I will be able to talk to you guys one on one. I'm debating linking it up to my youtube account also... we'll see how that goes. So right now I'm just messing with settings and such.


And a bit of good news, I got an appointment with the counselor I wanted at 9am NEXT Friday. So that's one week from today. Hopefully it doesn't get cancelled, I can last that long, and I don't change my mind. 


Well, I got a lot of shit to do so I'm gonna get going and I'll be gone for most of the day but I'll be playing on g-mail later and working on all of my settings. If you want me to add you into my contact list just shoot me a quick e-mail and I'll put you in.


Also, I want to start an advice page. So anything you would like advice on, anything, it will be kept anonymous and put on the advice page. I'm also thinking of a FAQ page, mainly for new followers who aren't going to read all my old posts to see what's up. Or just general questions about me that may not have been answered, things that may come up a lot. So... yeah, thinking of those two things. Also I want to keep adding on to my other pages and so I am always willing to hear suggestions. If you have a suggestion for a specific page you can always feel free to comment on the page and let me know what you think. E-mail will keep you anonymous if that's what you want.


Really though, you can email me for anything :) You can vent, ask questions, give suggestions... I'm on here more than my regular email and more than facebook. I'm also constantly checking for new comments on my phone so yeah... I'm here <3 <3






Love you all <3 Thank you so much for all of your support everyday :)


Peace out.

The universe is against me.

I know, I know... that's a really self-centered thing to say. I'm gonna keep this short... I e-mailed the counselor directly last night and he forwarded that e-mail to the woman who forgot to get back to me. She responded this morning saying that he was currently out with a medical problem and his return was unknown.


I am not willing to speak to ANY of the other counselors there.


Fuck. My. Life.