Do I look like a "ma'am" to you?!?

I really hate being called "ma'am". Everyone I know does. And it's not cause it makes me feel old. I'm not old. I'm 21. And people tell me all the time I look like I'm 12. So why the hell are you calling me ma'am?!? 


The word really comes with a lot of negative connotation and I don't know why that is. But it's true. I don't personally know a single woman who gets offended when they head the word "ma'am".

Just let it go and let it flow and BREATHE

I think I've been afraid of changin,

I think it's stopped me from growin.

You can't run from yourself for very long.

You can run cause wherever you go there you are you can't hide.

And when you let go that's when you change.

I just want to die.

That Dance Studio

So, I know that you all know how much I miss my old dance studio. Well... it's kind of more than just miss. As much as I hated high school, and I hated those years of my life, I would kill to have them back. Dance got me through some of the hardest times in my life. As bad as things were, I still knew who I was. 


I was the girl who everyone at the dance studio knew... parents, kids, grandparents, younger girls, teachers, everyone. There was always something for me t do there even when I wasn't in class or working out downstairs. I was taking phone calls, I was teaching, I was selling snacks, I was selling dancewear, I was competing, I was making posters, I was mailing letters, I was emptying trash cans, I was cleaning mirrors, I was sweeping floors. I miss all of that. And the sad truth is... that's not who I am anymore. I am nothing now. No one. 


I just want that back. I had a family there. People knew me. People understood me (to an extent... they knew how I acted and how to react to that). And as much as I know I am still more than welcome there and that everyone loves when I come to visit, it's just not the same. I'm not the one doing everything anymore... I want to be that person again. All I want in life is to be a part of that again.


That dance studio is the only place I ever belonged. It's still the only place I I belong. It's the only place I was accepted (other than places like here/online). It was the only place that was ALWAYS safe, that I could always count on to be there, that I knew could save me. 


That dance studio gave me more than anyone could ever imagine. It kept me alive. It kept me sane. It kept me from hurting myself (too much). 


Sure, I still had issues back then... but that was the only time when I actually WAS someone.

I want that back.

I want me back.

"I may punch a bitch mid-performance"

So, first of all, I have so much to say right now that I don't even know where to start. I'm in the blah-est mood ever. And I honestly couldn't be happier about that considering this afternoon.

I need to get around to commenting on everyone else's posts, I've been reading snipets here and there but I had dance for legit 12 hours each day this weekend. It was like an intense workshop/performance thing. Anyway, not gonna go into to many details about what it was or what happened because I'm over it... but basically I was putting up with this girl's bullshit all weekend, feeling like absolute SHIT, and yeah... she just went over the top. She ended up pushing me on stage, not to shove me, but to make me go faster kind of thing. But regardless, not okay. You do not PUSH me. 


And just a little extra info... the reason I wasn't running soon enough/fast enough was because I nearly sprained my ankle getting up... so pushing me really wasn't helping. And also, just a fact of life, this girl needs to realize that not everyone's body consists of 4 feet of legs. Kay? Thanks.

Anyway, I've seriously never been so pissed in all my life. And for so long... at another person. I was actually livid. I wanted to punch her in the fucking face and would have if it happened again or if she did one more thing to piss me off. And I know I say that a lot... but I really did almost punch her. I couldn't even be in the same room as her, that's how bad it was. After the runs we did some stuff against a garage door and used it to make noise. Oh my God. I pounded the SHIT out of that fucking door. 


So, whatever. Over it. Over her.


Oh but actually... something else I should say about that. This girl thinks she's fuckin' hot shit. She's one of those girls who knows she's pretty and an amazing dancer and says she isn't all the time for attention. She's so fuckin' into herself. Whatever, that's cool. She can do her thing. But I think it's great that this bitch thinks EVERYONE always has their eyes on her... little does she know everyone was watching me. Haha, apparently the lighting on the stage made me look like really good or something. Go figure!


My teacher came downstairs after tech (when I was pushed) and I was in the bathroom splashing water on my face so you couldn't tell I was crying and she came in and asked me if I had been crying, which I denied. I just told everyone it was cause I still wasn't feeling well, they all knew I was sick all weekend. And then we were talking and she was like, you looked really breautiful in that piece. And then she starts going on about my eyeliner and how amazing it is, haha. She's so cute. Then our stage manager for our ensemble shows cut me off and was like, I wanted to tell you how good you looked in that piece and with that lighting! She was like I looked up and was like, "Wow, Nicole is stunningly beautiful" and then she pointed me out to the lighting designer and was like, doesn't she look so pretty? To which he agreed. Ha. So FUCK YOU BLONDIE!

I mean, everyone could see I was pissed off. I know my teacher tends to tell me how good I look, pretty I am, how beautiful my dancing was in class that day when she see's I'm kind of out of it. But the stage manager didn't really see me crying, that I know of. But I she had to know I was pissed. Believe me, everyone could tell. Everyone was asking me if I was okay, it was one of those kind of moods. Plus, did I mention how hard I pounded the garage door?


I'm "in dialogue" with J right now... finally. I didn't call her a bitch so no worries :) Although it wouldn't be the first time. When we get into fights they tend to be pretty heated. She was taken by surprise with the letter I sent her last week and thought it was so sincere and everything (which it really was)... but after I told her about me and the boy she felt like I wrote it out of guilt. 

Thing is, I realized your letter was written after you slept with [the boy]. It makes me think the letter was written mainly out of guilt. When I first got it, I was really happy and thought you were really sincere...now I feel like it was written for all the wrong reasons...I was so happy that at the beginning of this week things were really back to normal between us but now I have a bit of a dif perspective on things

And then she goes on explaining why she's been acting the way she had. All understandable reasons.  Then there was this part toward the end...

I really don’t even know how to bring this next thing up. Basically it absolutely KILLS me to see what you’re doing to yourself. What you’re doing to yourself really breaks my heart. I love you and I can’t stand seeing you do these things to yourself. 

I hate that part.


We were both so happy to be talking again after the St. Patty's Day fight and that we were getting along fine... but then I told her about the boy. So I responded to each part of her message, going through it to make sure I cleared things up where they needed to be cleared up, showed support where it was needed, and explained myself where needed. We always go back and forth with these long messages and each go through each section and respond to every part... even if it's just "I don't know what to say about...". It works I guess, we both get time to choose our words wisely and we each get to say our part without ever being interrupted. We make sure every point is addressed. So anyway at the end of my response was this...

So I guess… my one question is… has any of that changed since I told you about [the boy]? Other than you feeling like the letter was written out of guilt (which is wasn’t)?
I want to fix things between us. Things were going so great and we were finally talking again and then I told you about [the boy] and it all went away. I don’t want that to come between us.

Her response to that portion of the message:

My question with [the boy]...you asked when you told me if I was mad or angry or whatever? what I want to know is what you thought my reaction would be?

Answering a question with a question. So I still don't have an answer... and may not until tomorrow due to the lack of internet connection she is going to be having the rest of the night and the fact that her phone apparently has water damage. So anyway... I responded to that with a very honest answer...

i honestly don't know what i thought your reaction would be. i know that even before that just when i was talking to him and you thought something might happen, i didnt expect it to affect you so much... and i still dont fully understand why it did... but it is what it is i guess. i guess i thought you might be upset, which is why i wasnt really sure if i should/how i should tell you. but at the same time, not telling you would make me feel like i was lying to you or hiding something from you and i didnt want to do that either. i felt like you should know what happened either way... but i didn't know what to expect from telling you. i know not hearing from you for 5 days wasn't something i was expecting. that's why i kept asking you if you were okay with it... because if your aren't i would hope you could talk to me about it. i dont want to be the reason your ever unhappy. i dont want anything to be the reason your unhappy. but.. yeah, so i guess short answer... i really dont kno.it was legit one of those text where i sent it, held my breath, questioned sending it, and then when you responded i couldnt read it right away type things.

So that's where things are right now with J. I really want to figure out why this is all such a big deal to her... but if she doesn't want to tell me... that's her choice. I'm not going to push her to. I just wish she would.


I hope you guys are all well. Again, sorry for not being around to comment much this weekend. This next week is going to be pretty hectic too but I'll work things out.

Oh... and piercing update. The barbell turned in on Friday I think... and I physically can not fit my fingers in to put it back the direction it belongs. It's not uncomfortable, I just want it to heal correctly. I don't want to mess with it a lot either, and I haven't been. But it's turned so far in you really can't even tell its there. If I have time tomorrow I'll call the piercer (the one that switched the barbell for me) and ask her what she thinks and if I should stop in to have her fix it for me. She's about 10 minutes from my internship (which is an hour from my apartment). I don't have anything for her though as far as a tip and I would want to give her at least a few dollars.


Okay, well that's enough from me. I'm super thirsty so I'm gonna go drink a few gallons of something ;-)

So upset....

Going on day 4 of J not speaking to me. Things were fine... I hope telling her about the boy wasn't a mistake because she just flat out hasn't spoken to me in 4 days. I'm not a moron, when you update your facebook status via mobile phone constantly shit comes up on my newsfeed. And like... I'm sorry but no matter what even if I'm pissed at someone... if I start to notice they're worried about me... perhaps because of daily texts saying something along the lines of "Hi, are you alive?" I respond.


If I don't hear from certain people I will check their facebook knowing they're one of those people who put way too much information on there just to make sure they aren't dead. Legit. Three of my closest friends are/have been suicidal in the past. And I will pick up and drive 2 two hours back home in the middle of the night if I think something is wrong. 


First off, I don't understand why the whole boy thing is such a big deal. Yeah, she told me she did/does have basically a crush on him for the last seven years. But that's all it is. Unless there's something she's not telling me, in which case, I can't be to blame for any of this. And she knows how I feel about guys not wanting me and how I feel like I may never get married or have kids like I've always dreamed of. How I'll never in my lifetime find a guy who is willing to/wants to put up with me. How I'll never be in a relationship longer than two weeks because I don't trust anyone and always end up fucking it up. She knows this. As much as I hate to admit how much all of that feels like a reality to me, it is. And as much as I wish I could say I didn't care, I don't mind being alone, I don't need a guy... I do. I'm fucking lonely all the time.


She knows that too. She knows that I don't have friends, yet she still does stupid shit like this that makes me feel like total shit. I would never do that to her! And for a lot of people, it wouldn't even phase me... but when she does this to me it literally tears me apart! And I don't understand why she's doing it.


I always end up blaming myself for everything even if I did nothing wrong. I'm sorry I told her about the boy. I guess I just know I can never talk to her about ANYTHING anymore. T and K where right, I shouldn't have told her. But I was feeling so sick and so drugged up on cold medicine the other night that I did. And I told her I didn't want to upset her and if I did to tell me. Gahh!!! I just want to scream and cry right now! Doesn't help that I'm on my fucking period since yesterday (hence the nausea) and still have a damn sinus infection.


I don't even know what to do anymore... She's flat out ignoring me. The first two days I sent her one text each day... kind of random/funny things. Then: 
April 8th around 10:30am "You alright?".
April 9th around 2pm "?"
April 9th around 3pm "Haven't heard from you in like 3 days, are you alive?"


And if I get a chance and end up texting her today I know it's going to be along the lines of... "WHAT THE FUCK IS YOU'RE FUCKING PROBLEM, YOU BITCH?!?"


Sorry for the rant... if you have any advice or possible ideas why she may be doing this... please comment. I'm like legitimately upset about it. I know I'm showing it as being pissed, and I know if I talk to her it will come out that way too which probably wouldn't be good. But I really am sad, like I'm trying not to cry right now. I don't understand why someone would do this to me. And my "best friend". If she doesn't want to talk to me then I really have no hope. I'm sorry, but a friendship is a two way street... and I can't keep killing myself going the wrong way down a dead end road.


=(

I have an eating disorder.

Today, I looked myself in the eye and told myself (although not out loud because this was mid dance rehearsal)
"I have an eating disorder."


I have a fucking eating disorder. I mean, that's kind of obvious. But I don't always want to/like to admit it. I deny it all the time. I know it's true. Sometimes I think it's not because it's not that serious. Okay, I shouldn't say that... eating disorders at any level are serious.


But anyway, today... I looked myself dead in the eye and admitted that to myself. 


Kinda freaked me out... but I guess REALLY admitting it is a step in the right direction, no?
Now I just have to stop.


Good luck.