Sunday, February 20, 2011

I know I'm not perfect, but I keep trying.

Okay... so I think it's about time I ease up on the ex-lax. Or just go back to regular instead of extra strength... or don't take them literally at the same time as diuretics. I've been doing a lot of writing lately... I'll have to get some of it on here. Some is good (as in hopeful) some is not... 

My hair is really fading... I have so much sharpie in it right now and it's still got blonde spots cause it's difficult to color the back of your own head with a marker. It might be about time for a touch up. It has been a few weeks. I really do love this color though. I wanna keep it forever and ever.... Ha... or at least until my hair is long and I can do straight up purple.

So I kept watching the video for "Gunnin'" last night. I think the reason it was so intense for me is that I can see myself as that girl, I do the things she did, I cry when I see the numbers on the scale... I remember a few summers ago when I hit 120... it was the worst feeling ever for me. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't stop crying. And then I always have these thoughts that no one would ever want me... especially because of how crazy I am. And I know that there are no guys out there like in the video. The part when he pulls her shirt down and wraps his arms around her without saying anything really gets to me every time. And when he's outside the bathroom door. It really is a sad video though. 

I've also been listening to "Perfect" by Hedley a lot. Really, I've been listening to Hedley for the last two days. They are an amazing band. 

There's some shit goin' on with J right now. And yeah...we'll see. I need her to talk to me about something and she's just avoiding it which means it actually is a big deal to her which can't be good cause it affects me too. It's difficult to explain.

I have a headache right now... I need to leave for auditions soon. I have like hours of auditions followed by three hours of rehearsal. I should be done by 10pm. I really just don't want to move at all today though. I went to bed at 6:30 last night. Yeah, that happened. I wanna go to bed now. I mean, I just showered and did my hair and makeup... but my heads killing me, I'm exhausted, and it didn't make me feel any better. 

I feel so fucking bloated and fat. I just can't get rid of my stomach. And my arms are so gross. They need to go so I can wear something cute to my blacklight party. And the hips need to go to... obviously. And my legs are huge, always have been. Even when I was under 100 pounds my legs were always too big. 

I really wish auditions weren't mandatory. I'm not going to be in any of the pieces that are auditioning today anyway. And my left arm hurts. I've actually had a brace on my wrist for the last week. Well....I haven't worn it in two days even though it still hurts cause it bothers me and I can't read my 'breathe' tattoo with it on.

Fucking headache.

I should go.

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