I'm too fat...

Fat, fat, fat.
Fat, fat, fat.


Today is 21 days without cutting and 18 days without diet pills. I need those pills. I feel worse about my body every damn day without them. I'm going to the gym more... and I feel like I'm just getting fatter. I'm gaining weight. My body is isolating me. I couldn't find anything to wear so I skipped classes today. I don't wanna go tomorrow. I can't take shots before my 9am class... they won't last until 7:30pm. I don't want to be in front of mirrors. I want to dance. I need to dance. I have to move. But I don't want to see my body. I want to cut off all the fat. Oh my god... I can't do this. It's too much.


I honestly don't know what to do. I won't go back to therapy. I just won't. I don't know what options I even have. I just need to loose weight. Fuck! But my metabolism is so fucked up. What if without the pills I'll just gain and gain and gain and gain and gain and never stop? 


I hate this. I hate all of it. I keep thinking I'm doing good but I'm not, I'm not doing good. I'm freakin' out! I hate fat. I hate my body. I hate myself. I hate everything! Ughh.. I can't do this. I just can't.

Today

Okay... so today... I planned one gym trip... and then had a spur of the moment QUICK LEFT into the gym after class.


So I had ballet, worked on my cystic fibrosis case study, ran to the other campus for class, ran back here for class, had a dance improv class, ran to the gym, had advanced jazz, ran to the gym...


I've eaten- not a lot.


The gym after class calmed me down enough to eat some 'diner'. I'm not like in a bad mood though...


I dunno... some coffee, light muffin, turkey sandwich, a dove chocolate.


Yup... that's it.


And with my rounding up when I count calories- it comes to 1000.


Yup...


That's all.

Hopefully I will be getting my semi colon tattoo this week... I'm thinking I will get it on my right wrist. Anyway, the point of this post is that I'm CHOREOGRAPHING for my last concert!!! I'm super excited!! And the title of the piece is going to be ";". I originally only wanted 5 dancers but I'm going to need 6. The piece is about being in a life or death situation that you're in control of. I've been through this several times in my life but the most recent incident, and the one where I may the choice to stay alive for more than just the night, was the OD-ing on diet pills. 

I've been clean from diet pills for ONE WEEK now. I also haven't cut since Feb. 8th. 

I'm so excited/nervous for this piece... it's so personal to me and I really want to share my story with the girls in it so they really get it. The reason I'm doing the piece is because it's my way of working through it... so it should be an interesting process. 

I edited the music but may be adding a heart beat into where there's currently a silence... maybe it will be silent and then the heart beat will begin... I dunno yet. Heartbeat is very important to the piece. I also thought of naming it 'pulse' or 'you're pulse is worth more' from an Oh, Sleeper song, but I really like the semi colon... because that's everything the semi colon represents for me.

Okay... anyway, time for homework.

xx

Love

I don’t know what love is or what it feels like. I know logically, people must love me- but I think that me being unable to accept that had blocked me from experiencing love and from actually knowing what it feels like to be loved. Love is such an empty word to me… and I think it’s because I have a hard time opening myself up and allowing myself to be vulnerable enough to let love in.

New Blades...

Seems like I find sharper ones every time...

Suicide Note

So I think I accidentally OD-ed on diet pills yesterday... I didn't even take that many, it was just the mix of them and the amount in such a short period of time and the lack of food in my stomach... anyway, I spent a good 5 hours trying to figure out if I was gonna pass out or have a heart attack first. It was scary shit. 


My head was all fuzzy, I couldn't see straight, I was so confused, my chest hurt, my heart was beating really fast, my breath was really shallow, I was sort of dizzy... all I wanted was to lay down.


Anyway, I went to class anyway... it was about 3 hours after it happened so I thought I was feeling a little better... but once I started moving, not really... I almost walked out of english... and the beginning of dance was rough til the feeling was more worn off... 

I got back to my apartment and wrote a suicide note... I still don't think I'm really capable of it... but I know when I get to that really, super suicidal place, I don't think about anything else... so I don't trust myself... and I know accidents happen... even if I accidentally OD or if ED complications kill me... I wanted to make sure I said a few things... 


It's been a hard week... a lot of crying and depression and all sorts of stuff.


But I'm still 15 days cut free. I used laxatives once two nights ago... I didn't overdo it though.


And I'm sick today... sinus infection/cold... so we'll see how I feel tomorrow. I didn't go to any classes today.


That's it.

Tomororw

I'm going to the gym. I'm buying SQR (diet pills) and possibly some more max strength ex-lax (regardless of how sick I got last time). I'm working on my solo. I'm showing. I'm working on my solo. Maybe I'll go back to the gym. Take another shower.


Fuck this shit.

Dance is all I have...

So I'm like really upset and overwhelmed right now and a lot of it is because of the show. I like... NEVER get in any good pieces. I never actually get to dance, I'm NEVER in a piece I enjoy... it makes me not look forward to performing and being up on stage. I hate it. 


Dance has always been the one constant in my life, the one thing I could always count on. Being on stage used to take everything bad away from me... and now I just hate it.


I know I'm not that good, but I don't get challenged. Back at home, I got to compete and do solos because they knew I wanted to, they knew how committed I was, they knew how fucking hard I work... not here. Give me something I can't fucking do and I WILL DO IT. 


It almost makes me feel like no one believes in me anymore. Like, even though I've never been that good... back home they challenged me because they knew I wanted it, they knew I could handle it, they knew I would improve. Here... I don't get that. Four fucking years and I've only been in shit pieces. And everyone knows it. I run, I sit in a chair, I stare at my hands, I'm blindfolded, I'm hanging off the front of the stage dead the entire piece. 


I just want to fucking dance. I want to go home and I want to dance.


Like, I'm honestly crying right now. Not as much as I need to... but it's a start. 


I hate this. I just wanna go home.