**SI WARNING**

Sometimes I wonder if the relief from seeing my own blood is because it's reminding me I'm alive...

Unleash the bitch!

Okay... so about that whole bitch thing. Monday night. Oh boy... 


I still feel so so bad about this =/


Okay, so I was home this weekend and managed not to call the boy!! Yay, I did so well, even on Saturday night when I had nothing to do. But then Sunday after getting back to school I was hanging out with my ex and left there in not the best of moods... so I text the boy. Anyway, we kept talking all the next day and next thing I know he's coming down to see me.


First it was like 8:30, so I figured I would hang out after dance and then go get him from the train station... but it got changed to 9:30-10pm by the time I got out. So... I wanted a drink. I didn't really wanna see him. I couldn't believe I said he could come down... but unfortunately for him, I was on my period. 


He was only coming for sex (in my mind) and I could've easily told him I was on my period before he came down but I decided to wait until he was here. Almost as a test. As if that wasn't bad enough...


So after dance I went to a friends to steal his alcohol and cologne. I ended up drunk and high. So I look at my phone and the boy sent a text saying he would be in at 9:30... it was 9:27. So I walked down to the train station drunk and high to pick him up.


We got back to my place and I just had this really bad feeling. I felt like he was lying to me, I was uncomfortable, I just didn't want him there. I had that feeling like something bad was going to happen. So to make it go away, I kept drinking... I text my ex and asked him to keep his phone nearby that night in case I called.


Long story short, I more or less kicked him out. I offered to walk him to the train but he wouldn't let me. He left here around 11:30pm and got home at like 7am. Whoops. Dick move. I know.


He text me when he got home and then he said "have a good day", which I'm taking more as a "fuck you. have a good life." Anyway, I tried to say sorry that night but he was pissed off. I feel like I should send him a text and apologize again but I also feel like I should just let it go and just forget about him.


I think I was just scared.


I dunno what to do.




**UPDATE**


I did text him a half asleep"sorry" and I also was just talking to S and told him about that night... he said that it's scary and I'm too impulsive =(

I'm hungry...

I don't think I've every actually been able to say that. But I really really am hungry... well... was. I felt hungry (and not just the fact I've been lightheaded for 2 days) I actually felt what real hunger is... but then... I saw myself in the mirror... and it just went away. Gone. No more hunger. I am still debating picking something up for breakfast/lunch... a special K bar or something... I could leave for work early to pick it up and also get a few things to throw in my apartment since there is no food here. 


But I don't know if that's going to happen. Even though I know I should eat, I'm scared... so I took a few more pills and drank some vitamin water zero.


This is hard... oh... and I had a real rough night last night. I should explain that at some point but I'm still trying to figure it out myself. All I know is that I am one hell of a bitch. 


Oh well... I'm just good at pushing people away I guess. At least I know I'm good at something.

Grandma

I had all of these thoughts Thursday morning but in order to write them means bringing them all back up again. So I just went online and searched through a shit ton of cemeteries and I think I found my Grandma's. I know she's near the kids because she loved kids so once I'm there I should have no problem finding her. I haven't been to visit her in so long and realized that I really need to go... and I think I need to talk to her. I used to talk to her all the time when I was a kid (she died when I was 8 by the way), but the less I believed in God and everything else, I stopped talking to my Grandma. 


Even though I barely knew her, I really do miss her. She was supposed to die before I was even born but held on until just 2 days before my 8th birthday. So... she was sick the whole time I knew her (she died of colon cancer). 


Anyway, I just found out kind of recently that when she was pregnant she used to starve herself and she was always dieting and not eating. When I heard that, my heart sank. There is a decent amount of information on eating disorders having something to do with genetics... what if she had an eating disorder? I don't know if she really did but that obviously isn't very healthy... and if she did, and part of my eating disorder is due to genetics, then it is the one thing I got from my Grandma other than my eyes. Which, by the way, the only reason I haven't had surgery on my eyelids is because they're my Grandma's.


Anyway... if my eating disorder is partially from her, then it just makes me want to hold onto it that much more. To hang on to her. She's 1/4 of who I am... and maybe the fact that I didn't really get to know her or that fourth of me is part of why I always feel like something is missing and like I don't really know who I am. And on top of that... she's probably the one grandparent who I am most like, who I most relate to, who I most look like, who I most act like... but I never got to know her to know that.


I don't  know... I think I was thinking a lot more and making a lot more sense the other day but it's just one of those things where I realized that I had to do it. I have to go to the cemetery and I have to visit my Grandma. I'll bring her flowers and talk to her. She's about a 3 hour drive from school... but we haven't been in so long. I want to go alone anyway... 


My favorite childhood memory is actually one with her, which always struck me as kind of strange because I didn't really know her. And my family never lived like down the block from my grandparents so it wasn't like I saw her all the time. Just on certain holidays and the occasional visits we took up there. 


It was just so weird to me that I got so upset about this and all of the things it could mean. I dunno... maybe I'm just rambling now.

I really thought I was doing better....

Apparently not.


I ate like 928450974309869405870476089537605890976895760857975 billion calories today. No joke. 


Like... why? I'm happier when I don't eat... I know this. I know food and eating is the one thing that upsets me more than anything else in the world. So like, what the fuck is my problem. My stomach feels so huge... as usual. I can actually feel my ass getting larger as I write this. There's just so much FLAB everywhere. I mean, I've seen overweight people that look good... confidence really helps that (and the fact that they truly are beautiful), the way they dress, whatever.... but I'm just all flabby. It's disgusting. I disgust myself. 


Nothing but diet pills and ex-lax from here on out.


I probably have more to say but I'm just gonna end it here because nothing I say has any value or worth. I don't even care right now.

101 Followers!!

I honestly just think these are four of the most beautiful women.

Wow. 101 people reading along with my nonsense... that's insane! So this post is for you guys just to let you know how much I really do appreciate you reading along and commenting :)


"Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly." 


Just a little something to remember <3


Something else to remember: Trails never end, of course. Unhappiness and misfortune are bound to occur as long as people live, but there is a feeling now that wasn't here before, and not just on the surface of things, that says: We've won it. It's going to get better now. You can sort of tell these things. - Robert M. Pirsig


Come on... you know it's true... and if not now, then one day :)


I wish I could thank you all for following along but there's just so many of you. I honestly never thought I would reach this many followers when I started my blog. I didn't realize that it would become so important to be and even though I knew I would find some support, I wasn't expecting the level of support that there truly is here. I hope that you guys also look around on the different pages I have on here. The breathe page is probably my favorite (I need to look at that one some more myself also) and I love love love the songs with the links to videos!! I'll be putting more up soon... maybe in the next week or two (if not tonight). 

And for those of you that I also follow, I'm sorry again for the lack of comments, just know that I'm still reading along and checking up on how things are for you.


Soooo... to sum it all up... I LOVE YOU ALL!!! You're amazinggg and I hope that you are doing well, staying safe, staying healthy, trying not to be too stressed out over the little things. I believe in every single one of you <3

News to me...

So I had a private session with my pilates teacher today and she stops me MID-exercise to talk to me... she was like, "do you know people worry about you?"

Excuse me? 

Basically, three girls went to her because they were worried about me (I haven't talked to them, they basically avoid me recently). Like really, if you've got somethin to say, say it to my face. If you were really worried about me, you would tell me. If you were really worried about me, you wouldn't be avoiding me.

Now I don't know exactly what they told her. But I know one of them definatly saw some cuts on my arm one time. And with the little bits they all know, I'm sure they can piece things together. Cutting, pills, eating disorder, alcohol... GREAT.

Fucking high school Part II. I don't need this shit, I can't do this again... not without my dance studio at home, I just can't. Anyway, two major things came of this for me.

1) My pilates teacher who always saw me as a very complicated person, but having everything together and being very strong and grounded all the time (which is just what I want people to see) now has a totally different view of me. She's confused about me. Proabably thinks I have issues but won't go that far to say it. I could swear when she brought it up I saw her eyes flash over to my wrist (which was conveniently covered). She like, didn't exactly know what to say so I'm assuming she knows more than just the general they're worried about me. She was asking if I had a support system, and if I feel like I suppress stuff cause I never talk to anyone about it, and if they need a reason to be worried. My answers... yes, no, no. She also did the whole if you ever need someone to talk to shpeal. 

2) I now have a totally different view of these three girls. I haven't even really talked to any of them in weeks, if not more, and I just feel like the only reason they were ever my "friends" in the first place was because they felt like they needed to babysit me. I don't need a fucking babysitter! And the fact that I worry constantly about my inability to take care of myself and if I will ever be able to do it on my own just made that such a huge deal for me.

Another part of the reason I think they used to only be there to babysit me was because they went to my teacher in part because now that we're all over the place (three of us working, on abroad, while one is in class). They said something to her about a distance thing. Oh... so they can't look out for me now?

Let me fucking take care of myself. I know I can do it. Yeah, I may fuck up a lot... but at least I'm trying. And I woke up already in a pretty bad mood (stress and no sleep)... but other than that I was doing so well. Reading (and slowly working on) recovery books. Freedom from eating disorders, having a positive body image, growing as a person, finding out who the FUCK I am.

I've even decided that i I am ever to see a therapist, who I am going to go to. The only therapist that may be able to help me (if I'm unable to help myself that is). He's a real person, unlike all the damn people I got stuck with. No fake smiles, no alter-ego, no games. Or so he says. 

I haven't called yet, but I wrote his number down in the front of his book.

Three issues:

1) I can't make that commute until summer, then would have to take a year off, and assuming I get into the grad school of my choice could go back.

2) Money? Hello?? I mean, I know my parents would do whatever they could so that I could get the help I needed... but I just don't want them to know. I don't want them to know I'm failing myself. My mom was already in therapy once before because of me. I can't stand her knowing I'm not okay. 

3) He's an internationally known ED specialist. So it won't just show up that I was in therapy when I go to get a job... it will show that is was with an internationally known ED specialist, and therefore they will know a huge part of why I was there in the first place.

So anyway... I probably had something else to say but it's late, I'm tired, I have laundry going...

I feel like a huge, fate, disgusting mess. I hate everything about myself right now. I just want to get a break. I need a break. I'll be home for three days this weekend. Hopefully I get to have some fun (and not call the boy). Then it's back here for more hell days. I can't fucking wait to get out of this dump. I'm stressin so much over not having dance here... I'll need to find classes Tues/Wed and then everything else I'll have to do at home or nearby. This means paying extra for dance. Time to save up!!

Anyway, I'm out... that was a really brief overview of why I dislike the human population so much. Kids are great, the little guys know whats up. But it's the big people I can't stand. Nothing against you guys, you're all sweet and supportive... but I don't have many of those kind of people outside of here. Not really, not that I can trust....

Well... goodnight (or morning depending on where you are in the world). I hope you are all well <3