Some thoughts paralyze me.

Wrote this after my two posts last night. My morning writing was not so positive today... I'm not even close to done with it. I'm throwing food out. I ate too much breakfast. I hate this. I hate it all so much.

I want to throw up.

FUCK.


(Sorry for the double-post.)

Tired of waiting...

Still no word from the counseling center. Ate way too much today...


Other than that, it was an amazing day. I had the best day at work (again). I think I may have eaten too much because I haven't heard back from the counseling center.

I made some major revelations this morning. 

Short N Sweet. Peace out <3 <3

Don't know why I haven't mentioned this...

Yeah... so after a long debate and lots of tears and back and forth I sent an e-mail Sunday night to the counseling center on campus to set up an appointment (I requested the counselor I wanted) and it took until late Monday to hear back from them. They asked for my availability, school ID, yada yada... so I replied right away. I still haven't heard a thing back.


You think when you get a 2am e-mail asking to set up an appointment that one would see it as kind of important... but no. So okay... I'm trying really hard not to change my mind. I have all these things in my head to say during the consultation just to get out in the open (ex: I don't like the traditional therapist-client thing I would much rather talk to a human being...). But I know once I get in there I won't be able to talk. Well... I shouldn't say know. I'm going to try to. We'll see. I'm really hoping this guy is a good match.


Also, I've decided that I can no longer say I'm having a "fat day". Let's be real, everyone has them... no matter how thin. But I can't call it that anymore. From now on I will simply say that I'm having a "bad body day". 


I'm itchy. I should shower. I think I have more to say but my face itches?!? CRAP. Okay, well shower time. 


Hope you lovelies are doing well <3 <3

The ones that matter...

I've learned that the one thing in life I'm actually good at, is pushing people away. And I'm lucky enough to have a small handful of people who aren't afraid to tell me what an idiot I am and love me regardless. Even though I don't see or even talk to any of those people on a daily basis, I don't know where I would be without them. I would do anything for them <3 And in the end, they're the only ones that matter. 

It is yours.

The Crazies **SI**

Going on Day 3 of not getting out of bed, leaving my room, or having any contact with any human around.


Yes... my last post means that I cut yesterday. Nothing too bad... thank god. It was all on my wrist... I did actually almost cut right down my vein... I was holding the razor there and started to cry and didn't know what to do. I didn't want to do it but I almost couldn't control it. I didn't have anyone to call or text because I hate being annoying and needy. I don't want to be that girl. So I didn't even try to get in touch with anyone... I didn't even send out any "tell me a joke" texts. After I don't even know how long the razor fell out of my fingers. I'm glad it did. Who knows what would have happened if it didn't. 


So this morning I'm not feeling well, sinus headache from allergies... not to mention my face is full of zits. Okay, so maybe not full, but I don't normally break out so when I do I kind of freak about it. I threw out some boxes of unopened food yesterday... I always feel bad about doing that but it's whatever.


I opened my recovery books back up and started working on the workbook sections about an hour or so ago. I got to a point where I had to stop and take a break though. I can't do too much at once.


I also have the lifetime movie "No One Would Tell" on right now. It's the one where the girl is in an abusive relationship. I've seen it before. It's at the part where she's missing and the mom goes to Bobby's house. She's there now. About to find her purse. 


I feel so fat and gross right now. I really hate this. 


My wrist kind of hurts rubbing against my laptop... but I guess that's what I get for doing this shit to myself. Sometimes I would wonder what would happen if certain people found out. I always think they'll leave me... and it's embarrassing which is why it's not something I can tell or ask for help with. I don't want to be sent to therapy or something like that. I don't want them to think I'm crazy.


I don't know if I've talked about the different crazies on here before... but there's a good crazy and a bad crazy. And since I'm so much of the bad crazy, I think sometimes I try to cover it up with the "good crazy" which isn't really that good. But the "good" one is just like... getting drunk and doing stupid shit (which I can go overboard with to the point where it's not good) and the bad crazy is like "oh that bitch needs to be locked up in a mental hospital". Yeah... whatever. Some people know a little of both. T (ex) knows about the eating disorder... well, a little bit. I did tell him kind of about it... and found out last week that he remembered me telling him because when we were talking about people worrying about me he asked if I was eating. Crap. Anyway... he doesn't know about the SI. But he always tells me he's there for me and stuff like that and recently, he really has been. I miss having him around every day. 


He told me that it hurts him or that he takes it personally when I talk bad about myself because he used to date me and wants to tell people how he dated this gorgeous sexy girl or whatever. I just wish I could see myself the way he sees me.I wish I knew how he sees me. I think that I might still have feelings for him. I keep finding myself wishing he was here... wishing I was in his arms. It's ridiculous. Ugh... I don't even know where I'm going with this post.


I'm gonna get going now. Finish up this movie...maybe run out to 7-11 for some milk and vitamin waters. Gahh. 


Okay loves, I hope you are all well <3 Sorry for the lack of comments lately... I haven't really been all there.