I Don't Know What's Wrong with Me

For no reason at all- I just feel like complete and utter SHIT.


I want to disappear, I wish I didn't exist right now. I'm super tired... my body is tired... my head is tired... I'm just fucking tired. I don't want to move. I'm laying under a blanket with Teddy right now. I want to cry... but I don't know how. I don't want to do anything... I don't know why I feel this way. I just want to crawl into a cave for the next 3 weeks, what the fuck is wrong with me??

What?

So tonight I got a, "stop getting skinny, asshole!" from one of my friends... 


Part of me... is like... what? I'm still losing weight?!? Cool! That's just what I want!!


And the other part of me is like... I haven't lost any more in the last few weeks... actually, I probably gained... I'm having a really bad body day... I feel so gross and disgusting...


I really am having a bad body day though... I just can't stand the fact that I might not am probably not seeing what other people are seeing at all... but I know I'm not skinny... I STILL can't even get into one jean size down... so yeah... these ones might be baggy... but I can't get my FAT ASS into anything else!!!


I want to cry- but of course nothing is fucking coming out. How do you make yourself cry?!? Oh my god.... fuck my life.

I hate myself right now....

I should probably just go to bed.


GOD DAMMIT!! Why can't I just fuckin' cry like a normal human being?!?

Crap....

I should probably make dinner... or have something to eat... but I don't know how.

Gerard Way is my hero.

Copy/Paste from my tumblr...

I found this interesting...

So in case you didn’t know- I’m a pilates instructor and I had a private session with my teacher today. So I have lots of alignment stuff going on and I’m constantly in pain, whether its my back, my hip, my shoulder, my wrist, more of my back, my whole pelvis, a different part of my back, ect… I don’t remember ever NOT being in pain.

Well today my teacher said something to me that I can’t stop thinking of… she said that I need to figure out what’s going on emotionally that’s making me hold on to being in pain. Does that make sense? I mean it does to me… but like… it’s like I have some kind of contant NEED to feel pain. And of course when she said that I immediately thought of cutting… and how that’s painful (not in the moment but afterwards). So anyway… I just found it interesting. 

The good news is that I'm on my period and haven't cut (it started on Friday, I believe)... which is a first. I did cut between periods since the last one but I think today is the 27th day. Let's see how that goes. 

I've been back at school for 5 weeks and JUST got off the phone with the counseling center to start individual therapy... yeah I know... 

But the woman who schedule's everything is in a meeting until 4 and I'm in class form 4:30-7:30 so I'll probably miss her call. 

My tummy hurts right now... I don't feel like going to class/dance and I really have to study but I hate missing. Gahh!! So annoying. I have to take a quiz tonight and study for my midterm in the morning... boo. I haven't started shit yet.

Anyway, just wanted to mention the emotional block relating to pain- I mean, it makes sense... I know that physical pain is much easier for me to deal with than emotional pain and it's like... if I'm in so much pain that all my attention is going there, I can't think about anything else... anyway... that's all.

Trying to try...

Okay, so here's the thing... I think that I'm trying to try. It's just that- emotionally, recovery is so fucking hard... and I want to recover- I really do... but starving my emotions away is so much easier. It's like... if I just hide behind counting calories planning workouts then I don't have the time to thing about everything else. There's nothing I can do to change my fears... I mean... I do want to be happy. I do want to love myself... but it's just so damn hard, ya know? 


I was listening to Marianas Trench - Perfect nonstop for days... but I've moved on to Haven't Had Enough and this line is my favorite:


stuck now, so long, we just the start wrong
one more last try, imma get the ending right


It just relates to recovery and my recovery process so much... like... I've been trying so hard to recover, but maybe I started from the wrong place? And I do feel stuck... and like I've gone a tad bit backwards. I was actually told to think of this as a rest rather than struggling. I like that... but I also feel like, rest is easy... I could just stay here and rest forever, ya know?


Anyway, I think I have more to say but I got distracted in the middle of writing this and now I have to get to class.

I'm not okay right now...

I can't even bring myself to explain right now. I should shower... but I just can't bring myself to get up...

Fuuuuuuck

Still sick. Even sicker, actually. I would rather have the flu or a stomach virus over a cold/sinus infection ANYDAY.


I feel like I've eaten too much today but I'm just going to accept that and move on.


I was reading old posts about C earlier.... like the one when we had a really long talk in January and he told me that he thought we'd be good together and that he wanted to put up with me and lalala... 


Okay... I can like, barely see what I'm typing cause it's too bright for me so I'm gonna get going. Hopefully get some sleep tonight and driving back home in the morning. My dentist appointment was cancelled- thank god! And hopefully I'm well enough to get my nails done Saturday, or even Sunday morning.


Love you all ღ

Ugh...

I hate never being able to sleep. I'm up 2 hours before my alarm- throat hurts, nose is bothering me, left ear is bothering me, nauseous as fuck... I'm eating crackers right now. Like what the fuck? Why the fuck am I sick? I hate college. I've been taking vitamin C every fucking day... I've already took cold medicine today too. I'm soo tired. I really wish I didn't feel sick every single god damn morning and that college kids didn't always make me fucking sick. Wehh...

I can't do this right now...

I'm exhausted. I have a headache. I'm a shitty dancer... and a shitty choreographer. I'm stupid. I'm not pretty enough. I haven't been eating, but I've been eating too much. I can't sleep. I'm confused. I'm already starting to slack in class. I keep thinking about my razors. I.... I don't even know.


And the funny thing is that after tanning I went to class and was having a somewhat decent body day for what my body is and I was feeling pretty good. And something totally unrelated to my body happens and it all goes to hell. I look bigger, feel bigger, am bigger. And then I have that to worry about on top of whatever the hell is really bothering me. Oh damn... can stress bring on distorted body image? Whatever. Fuck it.

Oy vey....

So... do you guys remember C? And that whole situation?? Well.... he sent me a facebook IM yesterday and said he had a surprise for me. Now- I'm thinkin' he's gonna be around the area where school is for a weekend or coulpe weeks or whatever....


No.


He's moving back! Like... oh my god! Now- he's still a few states away from either home for me or school.... but he's on the same coast, in the same time zone!


He's coming back in like 2 weeks. And his birthday is coming up.... so he wants to go celebrate his 21st and he asked if I could go. So I guess I'm seeing him in 3 weeks. Like- just when I've accepted the fact that I'll never see him again.


So... as usual, he asks me if I'm seeing anyone and my response was something along the lines of "haha, no." At one point he said he knows I'm crazy, and that's why he likes me. He also said I'm cool and interesting and that's why he hasn't forgotten about me. He said I intrigue him. He asked why I think I'm so crazy and I never really gave him a straight answer- somehow that turned into him saying "beauty comes with a price" and that it's a curse which he was sure I knew- so I told him I would just take his word for it. He said I didn't have to, that I already know.... and I just responded "if you say so". And then he says "you don't have to think you're beautiful, I'll just do it for you". Like... why does he say shit like this to me?!? I thought I was finally over this whole situation and now he says sweet things like that and he's moving back and he wants to see me!! Oh my god!!


And I know that he's the kind of guy that it honestly doesn't matter what my weight is... but just knowing that he's expecting me to be smaller because I was tiny the last time he saw me and now I'm at least 30-40 or possibly much, much more than that is just.... I can't. I'm like freaking out. I know he won't care. I hope he won't care. I don't think he will... but I've gained so much weight since I've last seen him. 


I dunno. I have to go to class... and auditions are tonight. Mehh... okay. Bye ღ ღ

Guess who's choreographing?!?

Not me!!!


Whatever. It's not like this dance was important to me or anything... it was only about the moment I decided not to kill myself. No big deal.


Oh... and somehow finding out I wouldn't be choreographing set me off and I ended up having a bit of a meltdown via text with T. Fuck. As if he didn't think I was crazy enough. He was trying to help- he really was. And I know a lot of what he said is true... but I'm just crazy... when I get up the courage to go back and reread the texts I'll let you guys know exactly what happened....


Okay- screw it... I'll do it now. I meant to text him and just be happy and ask when I was gonna see him next cause I might be around a bit more this week- but that never happened.


Me: Heyy :)
Him: Hey whats up
Me: Just on my way back to [school]. What are you up to?
Him: Just hangin out and drinkin a little. Why were ya home?
Me: I had a thing yesterday.... that I skipped
Him: Lol a thing? And why did ya skip it?
Me: Lol yeah a thing. I don't really know why. I think it was just getting too hard.
Him: What was it?
Me: A support group
Him: For what? That's nice
Me: For eating disorders. I started going over the summer.
Him: Are you in or helping?
Him: You don't have to answer if you don't want.
Me: No. I'm in it. Or was. I'm not sure if I'm going back anymore.
Him: Why wouldn't you go back?
Me: It's too hard
Him: It needs to be...
Me: I know but I can't fix it
Him: There is nothing to fix, you just need to realize you have to like yourself and be healthy doing it.
Me: I know. But the group made me realize one of the main reasons I have an eating disorder and it's something that's totally out of my control.
Him: What is that?
Me: I'm afraid that everyones gonna leave me.
Him: That is crazy your friends are your friends.
Him: They would rather you be healthy.
Me: Not just friends though. Like- my parents aren't gonna be around forever. Either people choose to leave or they die.
Him: Your friends won't leave you and yeah people die but that's where you meet more people.
Me: But I don't know how to deal with that.
Me: Sorry. I know I'm just crazy.
Him: Yeah it's okay haha 

End of conversation.


Oh... and I guess I should mention that I skipped group this week. Yeah... after the whole 9/11 realization it's kind of really hard...