Sunday, October 2, 2011

Guess who's choreographing?!?

Not me!!!

Whatever. It's not like this dance was important to me or anything... it was only about the moment I decided not to kill myself. No big deal.

Oh... and somehow finding out I wouldn't be choreographing set me off and I ended up having a bit of a meltdown via text with T. Fuck. As if he didn't think I was crazy enough. He was trying to help- he really was. And I know a lot of what he said is true... but I'm just crazy... when I get up the courage to go back and reread the texts I'll let you guys know exactly what happened....

Okay- screw it... I'll do it now. I meant to text him and just be happy and ask when I was gonna see him next cause I might be around a bit more this week- but that never happened.

Me: Heyy :)
Him: Hey whats up
Me: Just on my way back to [school]. What are you up to?
Him: Just hangin out and drinkin a little. Why were ya home?

Me: I had a thing yesterday.... that I skipped
Him: Lol a thing? And why did ya skip it?

Me: Lol yeah a thing. I don't really know why. I think it was just getting too hard.
Him: What was it?
Me: A support group
Him: For what? That's nice
Me: For eating disorders. I started going over the summer.
Him: Are you in or helping?
Him: You don't have to answer if you don't want.
Me: No. I'm in it. Or was. I'm not sure if I'm going back anymore.
Him: Why wouldn't you go back?
Me: It's too hard
Him: It needs to be...
Me: I know but I can't fix it
Him: There is nothing to fix, you just need to realize you have to like yourself and be healthy doing it.
Me: I know. But the group made me realize one of the main reasons I have an eating disorder and it's something that's totally out of my control.
Him: What is that?
Me: I'm afraid that everyones gonna leave me.
Him: That is crazy your friends are your friends.
Him: They would rather you be healthy.
Me: Not just friends though. Like- my parents aren't gonna be around forever. Either people choose to leave or they die.
Him: Your friends won't leave you and yeah people die but that's where you meet more people.
Me: But I don't know how to deal with that.
Me: Sorry. I know I'm just crazy.
Him: Yeah it's okay haha

End of conversation.

Oh... and I guess I should mention that I skipped group this week. Yeah... after the whole 9/11 realization it's kind of really hard...

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