Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Trying to try...

Okay, so here's the thing... I think that I'm trying to try. It's just that- emotionally, recovery is so fucking hard... and I want to recover- I really do... but starving my emotions away is so much easier. It's like... if I just hide behind counting calories planning workouts then I don't have the time to thing about everything else. There's nothing I can do to change my fears... I mean... I do want to be happy. I do want to love myself... but it's just so damn hard, ya know? 

I was listening to Marianas Trench - Perfect nonstop for days... but I've moved on to Haven't Had Enough and this line is my favorite:

stuck now, so long, we just the start wrong
one more last try, imma get the ending right

It just relates to recovery and my recovery process so much... like... I've been trying so hard to recover, but maybe I started from the wrong place? And I do feel stuck... and like I've gone a tad bit backwards. I was actually told to think of this as a rest rather than struggling. I like that... but I also feel like, rest is easy... I could just stay here and rest forever, ya know?

Anyway, I think I have more to say but I got distracted in the middle of writing this and now I have to get to class.


  1. I can absolutely relate. Like, if I could just snap my fingers and have it all go away... no body image issues, eating like a "normal" person, etc...I think that's what I'd want. But the getting there feels impossible sometimes. And, I always turn to this when things get rough. : (

    Sorry, not really any help. But I do understand.

  2. I would give you a huge hug if I could. I understand too.