*Suicidal Thoughts* (could be triggering)

Showers are a dangerous place.


When I got in there... I just sat down at the bottom of the tub like I used to do when I was a little kid. Only, when I was younger, I would sit there and cry. I don't cry anymore... so I just sat there. And I started thinking... and I guess it's a good thing I didn't bring my razor in there (I only have one since I'm home)... because I just wanted to cut SO badly. I didn't care where I cut. I just wanted it to be deep. Deeper than any of my other cuts... and I wanted to watch it run to the other end of the porcelain white tub, staining it red. I wanted to lay down with the hot water washing over me and just watch it may it's way down the drain... I would never know how much I lost because it's gone after that. And I wanted to do that until I couldn't anymore... and then just close my eyes and let the red turn to black. And that would be it. All of this would be over.

Make it stop.

I'm having a really hard time... finding a reason to live right now.


I have nothing going for me... and I don't leave my room... if I do, I don't leave the house... and on the RARE occasion I do, it's because my family dragged me out with them and I don't have a choice.


I can really feel myself falling deeper into depression. ALL I want to do is fucking cry! But I can't even do that! I can't even fucking CRY! That's how much of a failure I am. 


And I still hate everything about myself. Everything about the way I look. Everything about my body. I still have zero friends. I have no one in my life. No one here for me. I'm fucking lonely. I know for a FACT that no one is EVER, EVER going to want me.


And some of the suicidal thoughts are coming back... slowly... but getting stronger when I allow myself to let them in. And it's like... I know when it gets really bad, I don't think about anyone or anything. But I know I would never want to hurt anyone in the way that killing myself would hurt them. It's just too much for me to be alive right now. Always. I can't do this. Life is too overwhelming. I just want this all to go away.

I should stop taking these...

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Personality Disorder:	Low
Schizoid Personality Disorder:	High
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Antisocial Personality Disorder:	Low
Borderline Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Histrionic Personality Disorder:	Low
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:	Low
Avoidant Personality Disorder:	High
Dependent Personality Disorder:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	Moderate
-- Take the Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Info --

Another day passed by... and again, I haven't done SHIT.

I'm such a fucking waste of a human...

I haven't been updating... and I want to go to sleep soon... but yeah... life sucks. I went almost 2 months without cutting but... yeah, I knew that wouldn't last.


As far as B... he kissed me 8 days ago... then I didn't hear from him for a few days... now it seems like we don't talk as much as we did before... I mean, I might just be paranoid. I know he has work and his friends and everyones home from school for winter break. But yeah... haven't seen him since.


I on the other hand have no friends. I'm just slowly wasting away. I have no new years plans, as usual. Why would I? No one wants to hang out with me. I fucking hate having no friends. I hate having no one. I hate that I'm wasting away... but there's nothing I can do about it.


I didn't have any diet pills today cause I ran out... I'm sure I'll be stocking up on more tomorrow. Maybe getting some stronger kinds cause I have Christmas money... ugh... I. My chest was bothering my yesterday. shouldn't


I'm having more frequent nose bleeds.... I used to wake up with just dried blood but it's starting to get a little worse. Still not serious though. 


I tried iron for that and the vertigo feeling every time I move but- no help.


AND I think I've got you all caught up on my shit life. It's boring. I sit around all day and click random shit on the computer. I shower. I go to the gym on occasion. I haven't been tanning in WAY too long.


It's funny... something I've noticed... my wrist just doesn't look like my wrist without a few fresh red lines on it.


Ughh... whatever. Goodnight.

Disorder	Your Score
Major Depression:	High-Moderate
Dysthymia:	Moderate
Bipolar Disorder:	Slight-Moderate
Cyclothymia:	High-Moderate
Seasonal Affective Disorder:	High-Moderate
Postpartum Depression:	N/A
Take the Depression Test

God Damn..

So I didn't get out to get any more pills yesterday so today I didn't have any and of course didn't get a chance to get out and buy some until like 6pm so I've had this massive headache all day- still do. And then on top of it I just got my fucking period like 2 hours ago. God dammit! Fucking female problems. So anyway.. yeah.. I just finished packing most of my crap up and I'm just laying in bed now. I'm leaving early tomorrow morning and I'll be back sometime Monday night. Woo! 


And I finally started taking iron supplements last night so hopefully that'll help out with the dizzy spells, fuzzy feeling, slight bloody nose every morning -_-


Gosh I have a fun life!!


No. Okay... I'm done now... lalala :)


xx

What really gets me in the holiday spirit?

Christmas in Hollywood.


Hah! That's terrible!! But yeah... I dunno... it just came on cause I have my Christmas playlist and I think part of this whole super loneliness thing goin on right now and missin J is because 1) I'm home for an extended period of time and 2) we usually spend winter break together and we used to drive around every year just looking at Christmas lights and blasting Christmas songs like Christmas in Hollywood and sing along... well... I would sing along. 


I dunno... and I really wanna go look at Christmas lights... I just have no one to go with. I dunno...


I may or may not see B tonight. It depends what time he gets back from school. I'm leaving for a mini vacation early Friday morning. So if I don't see him tonight I won't until I get back. Which is only Monday night (but he might have work that night). I dunno...


Anyway... I have to get changed and go get my nails done. Then mall all day.... well... shower/laundry (jeans included) then mall, mall, mall.


I need shoes for this weekend. Ughh! I hate shopping.

I need to turn my brain off for a while

Everything with this new guy is going really well. Hopefully I see him before I go away this weekend cause I didn't see him at all this weekend... I mean... I think things are going well.


So this morning I was just on facebook (which I'm actually not on much anymore) and I was just going through peoples profiles. First one of the girls I was friends with from kindergarten through 17/18 when I lost all my high school friends. I have a feeling if anything happens with this guy I'll be seeing her a lot more... she's going out with one of his best friends...


And then I was going through my pictures... and like... that wasn't too bad... I didn't get far enough to get to the skinny pictures but like J commented on pretty much all of them and like a lot of them were taken with her when we were hanging out or whatever. 


We haven't talked since mid-summer. I deleted her on facebook a while ago. And now I guess I was just startin to miss her. Or maybe just miss having friends in general. Like, I really feel like I have no one. I have T and K who I love but I rarely see either of them. I just feel like such a loser. 


I'm not good enough for anyone. How will I ever be good enough to be in a relationship with someone if I'm not even good enough to be friends with? 


Ugh... fuck my life.

Soymilk..

dinner of champions -_-

Thin.

I can feel bones... I can almost see bones... but it's still not enough. I'm still not thin enough. I'm not thin at all. I'm still not happy with my body... I'm closer... but not happy. 


I've been doing my best to eat healthy. I haven't been overexercising. And I've started to ease up on the diet pills...


But I'm still not thin enough. I just want to be thin.

Saturday Night...

So first of all... B is fucking gorgeous. Like.. for real. 


Anyway... he came by Saturday night with a bottle of wine and we sat down in my basement and talked for like 2 hours (he had to go somewhere but he wanted to stop by and say hi). 


But like... I mean... he's super sweet... and really nice... and I don't get like super shy around him or anything...


But he is WAYYY to good looking for me. Like... I dunno.


But anyway.... I walked him out and he gave me a kiss on the cheek again and I might see him next week (might because he may not be around) but regardless, I think I'm gonna hang out with him over winter break.


Yeah.

Storytime!!

Welcome to my life at 3am where I've been smiling like an idiot for the past hour!!


Okay... so let me tell you about my most amazing night (I have to try not to get too carried away though because I don't want to get my hopes up).


So to start... I'm going to go back a few days... I think it was like Tuesday or something... so I'm on facebook and actually signed on so people know I'm online (which I rarely do). And I was talking to someone on facebook chat and out of nowhere I get a facebook chat from this guy. Lets call him B. So I don't know this kid... I know we went to highschool together... but we've never met... but we're friends on facebook so yeah okay. So he was like "wow ur a cutie.. =]" to which I responded "thanks...?" anyway... it was sort of random but we started talking.


He asked if I wanted to go out for a drink Friday night (tonight) and we exchanged numbers and text pretty much everyday since then... I think yesterday was the only day we didn't talk at all.


So anyway we were gonna go at like 11pm... it ended up being later but whatever... 


So he said that he couldn't go out for drinks cause his friend was home this weekend and he asked him to hang out or whatever... but he wanted to come by and say hi. So he came over and we sat in my living room for like 40 minutes talking and then he left.


So I pick up my phone a few minutes after he leaves to text my friend and tell her how cute this guy is and there's a text from him "ur cute =]" and as I'm sitting there like OMG how do I respond to this, I get another text... his friend was tired so he wasn't going over there... so he came back and got me and we went out for a drink (it's now like 1am, haha). 


So we were there for like an hour and we talked about all kinds of things and it was SO much fun. And when he dropped me off he walked me to the door and gave me a kiss on the cheek and said he would let me know when he was off work tomorrow and if it was okay, we could maybe see each other again? To which of course I said YES. Haha... but it was so nice. And once I got in the house I washed my face and then picked up my phone and had a text from him saying "ur cute... had fun tonight". 


It's just so nice that for once a guy isn't trying to just get in my pants. He treated me like a person and it was so nice and hes SO cute... ohmygosh! I like can't even... and I was so worried cause he's super cute and I'm well... me... and I was so nervous and now I like... don't think I have to be :)


Okay... story time is over. That was my amazing night... and now I'm still smiling like an idiot. It's all good :)