I need your help...

So... as I'm sure many of you know, I am currently a junior in college. I have one year left (9 required classes, 2 of which I am trying to take online over the summer while I'm still doing my internship). Anyway... I've been thinking this for a long time and it's about time I do something, I know what I need to do but it's telling my parents that's difficult for me. I don't know if I ever mentioned this but for some reason I can't even tell my parents I love them... which I do, so it's weird. 

But, this is what I need to do.

This term is over in one week. I have a performance this week so I'll be busy with rehearsals and such, my parents will be here this weekend, and then I'll be home the weekend after before summer starts.

Summer is fine. I work Tues, Wed, Thurs... my job is only 15 minutes further from home than my apartment on campus... so I can go home Thursday night-Tuesday morning. I'll spend two nights a week in my apartment at school. No big. I'll be home majority of the time.

So then after that's done. Senior year. I hate it here. I have no friends. I isolate myself. I'm not taking care of myself the way I should be. I'm not happy. I can't do this for another year.

My plan is to go home. We're not talking dropping out here... but if I spend senior year at home, I can take the rest of my required classes online (maybe some electives if I need the credits or possibly get some credits at community college and transfer them over, I don't have the nitty gritty details yet). But I'm done with my dance classes so I don't need to be on campus. I can live at home, take online classes, dance at my studio at home for the year, and go see a therapist (since on the counseling center here really sucks). 

Now, I think as far as the school goes, I can talk to the director of my program and have her help me out. And I think schools are usually accommodating with this type of thing... but I don't want to be diagnosed with anything... I just know that in order to take care of myself this is what I need to do. Come spring term I can drive in once a week for a class I need to take that's three hours long... that's not a problem at all. 

I think if my parents see I am finally admitting things aren't okay and trying to reach out for help they will be understanding and we can work something out. I want to finish school, I just don't want to be here. I want to get things sorted out before grad school... I really do. I just don't want them to know anything is wrong. 

I think that I am going to write them a letter/e-mail because it will be easier for me and I just hope that they won't want too many details and can just trust that I know that this is whats best for me. I know it is... I just don't know how to tell them. 

I could probably say more... but I'm not going to. I woke up with a killer headache and then I started thinking about all this shit and I'm crying and I HATE crying. So... yeah... if you have any advice on how to go about this, suggestions, past experiences with doing this kind of thing that might help me out, I would really appreciate it. This whole asking for help thing is kinda new to me and I'm still not totally a fan of it...

One day.

It just came out... and then I cried. 

One day... I'm going to love myself.

One day. Not today... but one day.

Or so I like to think...

I ate way too much today. Why the fuck did I eat?? And I ate some candy too. Like, really? That embarrasses me to even admit. 

Candy. 

It's such a dirty word to me.

But I'm not going to give up. I've always been a fighter (even though I feel like giving up sometimes). But hey, 21 years and still going right? I never thought I'd make it here. I didn't think I'd make it to 18. Hell... I wasn't even sure I'd get to 15. But I did... and I'm still here, still going.

I'm not one for doing things the easy way... and hey, recovery... is not easy.

Hate to break it to you kids, but recovery is hard work.

That doesn't mean not to try... it just makes it that much more worth it in the end. To know that you stood up for yourself, to yourself... that you fought for yourself, your life. 

I feel disgusting right now... really disgusting. I hate this feeling more than anything. 

This is not meant to be offensive... I just saw it and honestly feel this way sometimes. 

My stomach... 
                       is huge... 
                                     I want... 
                                                   to throw up...


Fuck.

This thing with J really pissed me off... I don't think I went into detail with you guys about it but we still  haven't spoken. It's been like 2 weeks or so now. I get pissed cause she told me "whether you want help or not, or whether you think your recovery has an impact on me or not, it effects me more than you think". Like, really??

First off, I had been doing so well! But she takes positive things that I say and somehow makes them out to be negatives. So I just don't get it... I dunno, I had more thoughts on this before but whatever. And really... she knows I'm convinced everyone leaves me. That's what people do. Thanks for proving me right. Oh... and another thing... I already felt like I'm the reason she's going through all this shit... that she got a lot of her 'bad habits' from me... thanks for letting me know I was right about that one too.

Okay... so since my formatting is all fucked up and is kind of pissing me off... I'm gonna get going. Peace.

Why I love Tori Amos...

Make the feelings stop!

So... I realized something today...


It's not the boy that I miss. 
It's not T. 
It's C. 


I miss him so fucking much!! I felt so safe when I was with him... safe from the world... safe from myself. Like as long as I was in his arms I couldn't hurt me. All I want right now is to  be in his arms again... 


I'm not going to go on too much more about this. I wrote three pages about it this morning and couldn't stop thinking about him all day. Crap. At least I'm not as upset as before.


Here's a post from a conversation I had with him a few months ago (C convo). There's a little background info in there too.
Since then, we've talked only a few times and we were joking around... yeah, not going into it... but I miss him.
I hate feelings.
I want them to stop.


I had 3 meals yesterday!! Progress!! And I wasn't SUPER upset about it. Today I only had dinner. I may have a little bit of a snack later. I bought a few groceries (cereal type stuff) so that I have some food when my parents are here next weekend and they don't ask why there's no food. I'll ask them to bring a few fresh things up with them also. I'm hoping that they stay overnight so we can go into the city the next day and do something but who knows. I doubt J will come, this will be the first of my shows she's missing (I think). But whatever.


I finally saw "No Strings Attached" last night. I can not tell you how much I loved it!! I could totally see myself as Emma a lot of the time. 

I was just laughing by myself in my room... like full on cracking up! I think it's good when you can laugh by yourself, or at yourself (even when you're alone). I make myself laugh all the time. I trip over things, think I'm getting attacked by birds, circle mailboxes because I'm not 100% sure how they work. It's all good. It's those little things that make me who I am. 


Oh. And my AC is leaking... like a lot. It could be a possible reason for the buggies. ICK. Okay, peace.

I miss the boy.

Why do I always have to go and fuck everything up??

Eeek!!!

Okay... so first of all, thank you for the comments on my last post. I know, it sounds like a dumbass, stuck-up problem to have but when you don't see what other people see, you being to think everyone is lying to you... which I already think. And if anyone was actually bored enough to go and read my "about me" section (aka "why I'm here") then you would see that even when I was a kid (we're talking 3/4 years old) and people would tell me how pretty I was how I thought they were lying to me because I didn't see what they were seeing.


JDawg: thank you :)
Peanut: thanks for understanding <3
Unbeautiful: you are beautiful (yeah, yeah, internet/blog people don't count as real people). but i'm telling you that you are. if you aren't being told, it's not because you aren't. i can tell from your picture that you are beautiful on the outside and from the comments you are always leaving me that you are beautiful on the inside <3

So... now about the "Eeek!!!". Before I started this blog, when I first moved into my apartment, I had a bit of a big issue. There was a giant mutant bug with about 8 million legs running around my apartment and coming toward me. Yes, late at night I ran down to the security guard shaking and with tears running down my face. They aren't supposed to go into resident rooms, but he reallllly felt bad for me.


Well, he couldn't find the damn thing. So, I went and slept at a friends apartment for the night (after chain smoking a box of cigarettes on her front steps. We went to class together in the morning and I was out ALL day with classes. During an afternoon break I had a friend come to my apartment with me for support while I SPRAYED THE SHIT out of everything with raid. We're talking an entire can here people. Then even that night, I was afraid to be in here. I couldn't sleep. Showering was the most terrifying thing ever... to this day I still check the bathroom walls before I can pee just in case. 


So today, at about 11am, I'm getting ready to go to the mall (I never got there) and there's another. And I screamed and it ran behind the molding of my bathroom door. Now I'm in a bra, standing on my futon, shaking to the point my legs can barely hold me up. I called my mom, I called T (girl), I text T (ex) to come help me. So... he didn't wanna get out of bed. Asshole. By 11:30ish I'm standing on my chair at my desk, still to afraid to get the almost empty can of raid sitting outside the bathroom door, and still afraid to go in the bathroom for my friggin shirt! This thing was like the size of my hand. So anyway, my bathroom is directly across from me... and what do I see... ANOTHER ONE! Smaller. I think it was a baby. I call up T hysterical freaking out that these things have come to murder me and he doesn't wanna get out of bed. I literally could not breathe. He told me to look at my wrist, I half did, but the fresh cuts from yesterday weren't helping the situation. He said I was just being a baby and if I still had the problem in half hour that he would come over. 


So I get off the phone with him and call my mom back.She talked me through all of my shrieking and screaming and hysteria... the thing ran under my bed, but just at the edge, and then came over to the corner nearest me... this happened as I was putting on the flipflips next to my chair so I could go over and get the raid. I JUMPED back on the futon SCREAMING at the top of my lungs and hyperventilating... 


I managed to run over, grab the raid, and get back on the desk chair. (This thing had already starred me down when I first saw it in the bathroom, they really are out to get me.) So I'm on the chair and my mom tells me to spray it... so... I do.


And what happens?? The thing fucking CHARGES me and tries to run up the fucking chair!!! NOT AN OKAY SITUATION!! I just kept spraying and jumped over to the futon where I sprayed it a few more times just to really make sure it was dead.


Now... I have a dead bug on my floor, no raid left, and another creepin in my walls. I found something to throw on and ran down to get someone in the office to get the body out for me. I had to wait 20minutes for the office to open and the security guard saw I was like freaking out so he asked what was wrong and he talked to me until the guy came, he wasn't even ready for work he just came up front to check something, but he came up anyway. He got the dead one for me and without asking searched the bathroom just to make sure no more were in sight. He didn't see any so after he left I ran out to CVS to buy more raid.


I came back with 2 cans and got back to my building around 1 (so I was out for like an hour). I text T to see if he was still sleeping. I STILL (it's like 9:30 now) HAVE NOT HEARD BACK FROM HIM. When I got back I sat outside. I can be a big girl and spray myself but I need someone to be there with me in case one fuckin charges me... which as of today, I was proven WILL HAPPEN. After like 5 min the security guard came out and saw I was there and he stayed outside for the next like 2 hours just talking to me until finally I got someone to come over. 


It was M. He was my last resort... and he not only thinks I'm crazy, but also now delusional. He totally didn't believe me. Ugh. Whatever. So we sprayed, and I left. I went tanning, then got to dance early. After dance, I hung out for about an hour before coming back to my apartment. I just got back at like 8:20. I sprayed some more and still have not taken my shoes off. I keep looking around. I'm all itchy. I will NOT be getting any sleep tonight.


I'm also really upset about what T did. That was so NOT cool. I straight up called him. He could heard how terrified I was, I was hysterical!! I don't care if he thinks I'm a fuckin psyco and never wants to speak to me again but at that point I really just needed help with these fuckin bugs!


They're centipedes by the way. Big ones. Fast ones. 
Mutants. 
And their out to get me.