Well it's official...

I am now on a one year medical leave of absence from school (whether or not I return will be decided at the end of that year)... I'm looking into treatment programs... probably IOP or something... I'll keep seeing my current psychiatrist even though I'm moving home...

And I'm planning on restricting -_-

Majorly triggered/upset myself tonight in terms of my eating disorder... also... well I don't know where my mood is but I'm very impulsive and if I had a capable human being here right now at 1am I would be chopping all of my hair off.

I'm also SUPER itchy... paranoid about a rash but there's nothing there... I just itch like hell.

Okay... well... night I guess.

xx

And so it begins...

So I've been meaning to update you guys for the past two weeks and everyday something new happens and it gets more and more overwhelming to have to type it all out... I'll just make a list and see what I can go into detail about.

• Started lamictal (take my last 25mg tomorrow and then move on to 50mg)
• Started talking/hanging out with J again... its like nothing's changed
• My dad's uncle died Monday... I didn't really know him well but still.
• MY friend K (have I talked about her before) have 3 tumors, one with cancer cells which may or may not be active... at this point she doesn't wanna do chemo.
• I'm on the anxiety medication... haven't taken more than 2 at a time so far
• Took some fat burners Tuesday (4) and 2 yesterday morning along with a bottle of smirnoff ice before 9am

So yeah... I really really need to get on here more and track my moods and things...

OH... forgot the almost killing myself part... yeah, I'm fine... I just really wanted to crash my car... parked down by a river for like over an hour... don't worry I'm fine.

SO sick right now though and I feel SUPER fat and huge and disgusting and I just wanna cut it all off.

Still wanting to withdraw from school...

Still making 'attempts' at purging but not getting very far...

STILL not recovered... from anything... go figure... I doubt I ever will, I should honestly just kill myself. But fuck.

Whatever... I'm fine... seriously gonna work on more updates... maybe once I withdraw from school I can make that happen.

xx

Hearing Colors and Lamictal

Ugh... okay, so about three weeks ago I was super depressed and missing classes and about to legit withdraw from school.

Last week I was a  ball of energy. Slept about 10 hours in 5 days... was talking a mile a minute... couldn't make a single connection from one thing to the next... wanted to have sex about 85% of the time... would laugh or cry at the drop of a hat but was overall amused by things and extremely distracted. I dyed my hair purple and went to get my NEDA tattoo but they couldn't fit me in so I have to go back Saturday...

Today I've been all over the place... I've been so confused with everything. I was feeling really low and negative but then had some moments where I was really happy and the whole thing just frustrated me. I filled my prescription for lamictal but am still not sure about taking it. I need to ask my psychiatrist if I'm allowed alcohol while on it... I've heard different things and want to know what to do.

But I've just been super confused, like... for a few days in between last week and this week... I felt almost "normal"-ish... but then it's like... I don't know what "normal" is and I don't know what that means for me and I can't distinguish the line between depression/baseline or mania/baseline. Like, I don't even know what's real anymore. I don't know how I'm supposed to know if what I'm feeling is real or if it's just the bipolar...

And I thought it was bad not being able to trust my eyes as far as what I see in the mirror and on a body level... but now I have no idea what's going on in my head and what I can trust to be real. I don't know who I am under all of these diagnosis' anymore. Like, I finally thought I was finding myself... and now I'm lost again. 

I told my boyfriend that I hear colors and smell sounds or whatever the fuck I said cause sometimes weird things like that happen to me and he somehow still doesn't think I'm crazy. He sent me this really long message about all the things he knows about me to try to help me out and also just to cheer me up and I did feel better later on. I just had this like break where I freaked out after filling my prescription (maybe that triggered something?).

And I just ate too much today and was already feeling gross and bloated and disgusting and now I just really wanna fuckin' throw up and I haven't cut in like... a month? Or some shit like that... I don't even know. Like I was doing so fuckin' well. Just Friday alone I fuckin' threw out 8 out of 11 of my razors AND ate pizza. PIZZA. Like... what the actual FUCK.

Also, sidenote... I really need to get on here more. Not just as an outlet... but also just to friggin' track my moods and be able to go back and realize- oh shit... so that's what's goin' on. I'm really, really gonna try to get on here daily again... if not that, at least once a week I need to post.

Sorry if I've been worrying anyone by not posting.
You can always find me on my tumblr or twitter or instagram.

Peace.

xx

Quick Updates

So, I haven't been on here much... I am hoping to be posting more frequently because journaling has been really helpful for me in the past and with all of the new things going on in my life, I think I need it to help me sort out my thoughts.

Let's start with just the past few weeks... a few major events in my life and I'll leave it at that because trying to fill you in on everything since then is just way to overwhelming.

So I'm back in therapy. Yup... I went back. I'm actually seeing a psychiatrist now. I'm very comfortable talking to him and I like the way he treats me. He is beginning to weigh me every week although I don't have to know my weight just yet. Eventually he wants me to see is and learn to accept it. 

Really though, we're focusing much more on my mood than we are on my eating disorder behaviors. I'm doing pretty well in terms of food with a few exceptions here and there.

So yes... my mood... I've been diagnosed with bipolar type II. Fun stuff, right? So, he wants me on lamictal. I'm still thinking about it... not quite ready to go that route though. He is really trying to help me with self injury and also wants me on an as-needed anti anxiety medication for when I get really overwhelmed or get the urge to cut. That one, I may fill the prescription for... even if I'm not sure I'll use it, just to have it around. He said it's a low dosage and he would only fill a quantity that wasn't really bad. It was actually my concern to have a bottle of medication on hand for when times were rough.

That's all I'm going to say about that right now...

Another thing, in addition to now being in grad school... I have a boyfriend. We can call him D. It's a new thing and I'm still getting use to it. He's great though and very supportive of everything. It's been "official" for about 2 weeks now... but I only see him once a week since he's back home and I'm up at school again.

For now that's all, I'm going to try to get on here more frequently so you can all know every detail of my life once again :P

Oh Hai!

Okay... so some updates since I'm a terrible blogger during the summer.

1) One of my dance teachers made a comment about my losing weight the other day... I don't think I have... but she apparently does. She gave me that 'look'... I know she was just bringing it to my attention cause we both know if it goes to far she's gonna have a lot more to say about it.

2) I have to call about 8.000 doctors tomorrow and finally figure a few things out and get a physical, hahaha.

Yeah.. so I had another 'incident' today. Oh... and I had one the other week... a period-related one... dunno if I talked about that already or not... pretty sure it was like my entire last post.

So anyway, this morning... I woke up... had a 100cal. starbucks and took a shower. I get out of the shower and I'm sitting on my bed and just start swaying... my entire room was like spinning around me, I was nauseous, super dizzy/lightheaded, really short of breath, and my heart was racing. 

So after a little over an hour of this not getting better and my getting ready for 30seconds then laying down then getting ready for 30seconds then laying down over and over... I go into my mom's room. By the time I get to her room I needed to be laying down so I just got in her bed and told her my room wouldn't stop spinning.

I had gotten some crackers and finished them and was now drinking water. 

So we took my HR and then went downstairs to do my BP and nothing was SUPER high but she wanted to take me to Urgent Care... I was feeling a bit better by then but she didn't want me driving so she dropped me off at dance and took me in to tell my teachers what happened.

So anyway, now I need a physical. Full blood work, in addition to getting tested for anemia (which may be included in that) and an EKG. She thinks I may have the same heart condition she has. Go figure. Watch me end up strapped to a monitor for a week -_-

I also need to get another MRI for my back. It looks like I have an acute lordosis and a fusion. The guy who did the MRI's years ago turned out to be a pedophile and made shit up in the reports which I just realized.

Fail.

Okay... well that's all for now.

Shit Day

You know you have a problem when you're on the floor of the locker room about to pass out, in the most excrutiating pain of your life, drenched in sweat, white as a ghost and you just tell the people trying to help you "I'm fine. It happens sometimes."


Yup... welcome to my life. 


So, the morning was fine. I got my period. You know... shit happens. Took some advil cause of cramps.


I had a bit of a break between dance camp and physical therapy so I was home. Then I went to PT and we started with a deep friction massage (kind of OW today) and then the ultrasound which I started yesterday... after a little while the ultrasound was REALLY hurting my knee... like I can't even explain what it felt like but it was so painful and so I told the PT and it felt better when the ultrasound wasn't on. Then all the sudden I felt like I was gonna pass out or puke or I dunno and I started sweating and got really white. So she got me some water and I drank some and felt better in a few minutes. We decided since the ultrasound was hurting anyway that we were done with it and she asked if I wanted to do stim and ice. I felt better so I said I could handle it. We were trying to figure out why I felt sick... it could have been because of pain. Then I realized I got my period today. 


Bingo. That's it. I dunno if the pain from the ultrasound was a part of it... it's possible. After like... I dunno... 2 minutes I asked one of the girls to take the ice off. I said I just needed to find a bathroom and then get home. Got in the bathroom and was feeling even worse. Managed to get myself out of the bathroom and to my locker to get my phone to call my mom to pick me up. It's about a 15-20 minute drive. It took her about a half hour to get there. That whole half hour was a blur. The locker room is really tiny and it's like carpet like the rest of the place and I just needed to lay down and have my knees into my chest because my cramps where so bad. My PT brought me some pillows, a cold compress, an ice pack, and heat for my stomach. I was progressivly getting worse. The PT place is in a whole medical facility so like two woman came in... two? I dunno there were so many people in such a small room and one was trying to put my feet up on a really high bench and I was like... my head was getting better, I wasn't as lightheaded on the floor and the heat was helping cramps but she didn't want the heat on me cause I was sweating and I just wanted my feet down and I finally got her off my back and I kept switching sides and burying my face in the pillows and then sitting in a child's pose type position and then back on my side. 


So my mom walks in... first thing she says, "You got your period today?"


I got up and we got my stuff together (oh, I also managed some advil after I called my mom) and I got up but kept my body forward and kept telling people I needed to be upside down... which we had to stop about twice on the way to the car so I could be upside down. I felt better on the drive home. I laid down on my side with the seat back and we had the air on. I laid down for a bit when I got home and was feeling a lot better so I went to ballet. 


I was trying not to cry in ballet... not totally sure what was going on I was just kinda in a mood from everything but the storm and brownouts where making me feel better.


I got home and was okay but then going through e-mails realized I was late for a lot of stuff (Background Check and Child Abuse forms) so I filled everything out which is always a struggle for me and we're sending in the rest of the stuff tomorrow, my mom's gonna take care of it for me. But then I was freaking out cause this is probably why I haven't gotten my placement yet and now I'm gonna get something I really don't want and ugh. 


Oh... we're going to Hawaii which I really don't want to go but my family was being ugh I don't even want to get into it so we're going and I've been saying I don't wanna go to beaches and shit and my dad mentioned snorkeling before and I don't want to do it but no one gives a shit and after I finish everything I'm going upstairs and my dad goes "Buy a bathing suit, we're going snorkeling." And that's when I started to cry.


I just don't want to be a part of my life anymore.

Vent Sesh

I'm hating everything right now... and hating myself for hating things cause if it weren't for my screwed up brain things would be going pretty damn decent right now. I mean... I might not have any friends... but I'm doing what I love and having fun and for the most part keeping busy and making some money. 


But no. I have to be fucked up and not able to enjoy anything in life.


I haven't cut since July 8th... I really want to though. I probably won't tonight though. Don't have the energy. I ate SO much today. I mean, okay... I dunno. I just feel disgusting. I'll probably restrict tomorrow... and go back on fat burners for about a week or so.  


I just don't know what's wrong with me... and there's so many things in my head, and I can't even begin to form sentences or put words together. Right now there's no words. No thoughts. Just the way I feel in my body. That's it. 


I just... I need to be skinny again so badly. I can't take this anymore. I really, really can't. I wish stepping on a scale would just trigger me back into anorexia instead of making me suicidal. Wow...  now there's a fucked up thought for you. Talk about having issues...


I should be in therapy... I just can't bring myself to ask my parents again. I can't. Cause then they worry and my mom asks questions and every time I fuck up my mom ends up in the hospital. 


I'm more convinced than ever that I'm bipolar. I really am... part of me wants to find out for sure, like, maybe having that diagnosis will make me feel less crazy... but I don't want it to mess up my career and I don't want to end up using it as an excuse. I mean, I've never been that type of person, but who knows. I feel like I might be ready to hear that... mentally... but then what if I'm really not? Then I'm just some crazy fucktard who can't control her moods or emotions. I'm just the 22 year old girl who can't physically take care of herself. I'm just overdramatic about everything. 


Ugh... I dunno. I just need to get rid of all this damn fat so I can have some room to think! Like... I try to think, or concentrate, or focus... and I can't. There's nothing in my head. Just how physically disgusting I feel.


I am physically more comfortable in a smaller body. Unless you've been different sizes, you don't understand how physically different it feels to be in one body vs. another. 
The difference in what it feels like walking with your thighs touching or not. 
The difference in being able to stand up straight and suck in your belly or not.
The different in laying on your back and feeling a double chin or not.
The different in waving your arm and feeling all the flab jiggle or not.
You don't know what it's like unless you've been at both ends. And once you have... you learn your preference. You learn where you're comfortable. You learn what feels good.


This... this doesn't feel good. Speaking of not feeling good... my ovaries are on fire. Pretty sure I just got my period. Just this second. Fuck my life. Let the bloating begin!! Ugh. I knew it was coming. The amount of chocolate I've been consuming was a clear sign. The pickle cravings probably too. 


But anyway. I should go to bed. I'm still getting over being sick from 2 weeks ago and now think I'm already starting to get sick again. Like seriously? Fuck that.

I'm terrible with updates...

So as far as all the things in my last few posts... everything worked out... it's fine. I freaked out for no reason. I'm at my parents pretty much all summer just dancing and going to pilates and I have physical therapy like 3 times a week. 


I don't know how long I'm going to be staying on blogger... if I get to updating more often again I will keep it... I dunno why I haven't been on much but it definitely helps to have this place to vent.


I also have SEVERAL tumblrs if you want to keep in touch with me that way or follow me there:

• Main/Recovery
• Health/Fitness
• Emotional/Venting (possible trigger warning)

So yeah... I keep saying I'll be better at updating on here and them I'm not but I will work on it. I'm on tumblr pretty much every day though so you can find me there... I just stay signed into blogger on safari and my other account on chrome and I'm rarely on safari. But, like I said... I'll try better :)


I'm also going to be working on my website more this summer... here's the link for that: Recovery is Beautiful. 

Sorry for worrying any of you!!

Better or Worse?

This is gonna sound so strange but I honestly have such a hard time sometimes knowing if I'm going better or worse... or like... one thing will get better while another gets worse... I dunno.


So anyway, lately, really I think it's been building this entire year- I feel like I've been a lot more suicidal. Well... no. I should say I've been having a lot more suicidal thoughts and urges. I haven't really done much intentionally. But it's like... when it gets bad, it gets bad... and it's building... it's like this thing that's always in the back of my mind. It's always there somewhere and I can't get it out.


I think I'm getting much better at hiding it though...


Whatever.


Anyway... I walked in graduation the other day, but I still don't know if it's official... I still don't know if I passed english -_-

Graduating Tomorrow?

Ohmygoshhh... these last three days... I don't even know where to start. So I started getting my final grades in, which was stressful enough cause even though I'm walking tomorrow, I may have to re-take english over the summer (it's the one grade I'm still waiting on and the class I may fail)... so anyway, I got B's in most of my dance classes instead of A's because I was SO overwhelmed and just didn't do the written work... I was freaking out cause my GPA is just on the edge of what I need for grad school and realized there's a VERY good chance I won't graduate with a 3.0.


So I was already having the shittiest day ever and almost called my pilates teacher that morning because I was overwhelmed, but once I realized that night this may happen, I cried for like 2 hours and then text her. Once she found out what was going on she called me... she said she wasn't gonna try to tell me what to do about the situation because she knew I wouldn't be able to process it yet and was more concerned about my safety than anything else. She was not in the state so she said it would be a few hours before she could get to me and since I said I felt pretty safe, she wanted me to at least get in some type of social environment and I could call her whenever I needed, she would come if I needed her when I got back, and if I needed someone before then to call for someone. 


At first I wasn't gonna go anywhere... but I realized she was right and I would be safer somewhere else... so I threw on my AB shirt and my comfy sweats, grabbed Teddy, and make sure I had all the materials to finish my paper due the next day. I didn't leave the library until probably midnight (I called her around 8pm)... I didn't even really feel ready to be alone but I was just so tired. 


The next day I e-mailed two of my dance teachers to see if I could make up work or do extra work and get my grade pulled up... I told them I knew I didn't deserve it and that this was totally my fault but explained the whole GPA/grad. school thing. One I still haven't heard back from and the other (J) emailed me back a few hours later... by then it was 10pm. He said he wouldn't be able to do that but he was here for me to help me get into a better mindset and if I ever needed advice or support not to hesitate to ask. 


That's when things got really bad. I was legit crying so hard I thought I may vomit... I almost did. I just kept thinking... if ever there were a perfect time to kill myself... this was it. Not that night, because I wouldn't want anyone to blame themselves... but after I walked in graduation. My parents would be so proud of me for making it through college, no one would ever have to know about not getting a 3.0... it would be the perfect time.


I'm still waiting on one grade... luckily, my dad doesn't think even a D will pull me under a 3.0... but I literally freaked out. 

I don't know what to do. I have nothing. I have nothing in my life. Nothing worth living for. I have no goals in life... no purpose. I have no reason to be here.

Yeah... it was bad.

Hopefully before I walk tomorrow I find out my english grade and GPA. I'll try to keep you guys updated. My dad seems pretty confident in me having a 3.0 or higher... which is amazing because I didn't graduate high school with a 3.0 and college is so much harder!! And I know I've been struggling... esp. these last three years or so.

But if it does drop below a 3.0... I don't even know what's gonna happen...

I can't do this anymore.

Ugh..

I just want this to be over...


All of it.

What is an eating disorder?

So many people misunderstand eating disorders. An eating disorder isn't a diet, it isn't a fad, and it certainly isn't glamourous. 


So what is it? It's a mental illness... we know that... but why is is so difficult to recover from? I dunno... I'm sure I'm not the only one out there frustrated by the lack of knowledge on eating disorders (among other things).

Restricting. Starvation. Hunger pains. Feeling faint. Feeling dizzy. Having to sit down so you don't pass out. Chest pain. Blurred vision. Having zero energy.

Bingeing. Losing control. Guilt. Shame. Secrets. Hiding.

Purging. Spending hours with your head in the toilet. Sticking pens and toothbrushes down your throat. Sticking your fingers down your throat. Gagging. Watching it all come back up. Failure.

Laxatives. Diet pills. Nausea. Your heart starts to race. Your heart starts to slow down. You can feel it beating in your chest. Diarrhea. Not being able to go out because you're so sick from the laxatives. Not being able to do anything but curl up in bed in pain. Everything hurts so badly.

Overexercising. Being so tired but HAVING to do it. It's not a choice. You HAVE to do it. Being exhausted, feeling sick, feeling as though you'll pass out... it doesn't matter. Never being able to skip a workout. Being more prone to injuries- getting injured, continuing anyway.

And that's just the start... those are just SOME of the behaviors- in basic form. Not to mention the isolation, the self injury (sometimes), the details of the behaviors, the money, the relationships lost, hair falling out, pale skin, GI problems, yellowing teeth and nails, being so damn cold all the time, being super moody, the anxiety around food or uncomfortable situations, the things the mirror does to do...

I have no idea where I'm going with this really... just some random thoughts...

 

 

 

 

Song on Repeat...

Be a good girl
You've gotta try a little harder
That simply wasn't good enough

I'm such a fucking wreck...

So it's show week... and I'm fat and disgusting.


I'm only allowed coffee in the morning and maybe some cantaloupe at night after classes...


I need to go tanning every day this week. And workout. Gym and pilates. And I need to do well in dance classes... and actually go to all of my classes (except for bio). I need to have something choreographed for tomorrow for rehearsal for my comp. piece... crap.


I'm waking up at like 6:30am so I can shower before pilates. That means no quickie gym in the morning... I think I have a test... I don't even know.


And my knee is still bothering me. Means it most likely is patellar tendonitis... I think the pain is spreading too... probably cause I keep dancing on it. Crap. 


I feel like I've gained so much weight the last two weeks. It's disgusting. What a great way to finish college... fat, depressed, miserable, scarred, and not a damn thing under control. Cool. I'm really hating life right now...

Ha... shit sucks.

I honestly just feel like I make everyone around me miserable and they'd be better off without me... but I can't do anything about that. I feel like I'm stuck here. Stuck. I don't enjoy life. I don't want to be here. I'm trapped. 

This has been such a terrible week...

I've been triggered and stressed out by so many things and just overly sensitive about the topic of suicide (which of course has just happened to be a major theme of the week). 


I've been cutting for the last 3 days... pretty sure at least two of the girls I dance with saw my stomach... fuck.


I've come to the conclusion that I can either spend my energy on fighting the urges and really trying not to cut or I can just accept it's a part of who I am and use my energy pretending I'm okay so people stop worrying about me.


I just can't do both... it's too much.


And I really just feel... well... defeated. Never in my life have I felt 'defeated'. All of the shit I've been through, all the treatment and doctors and therapists... all the fighting I've done and rejection that's been through my way... all the loneliness and depression and loss of control... all the failure.


It took 22 years... but now I'm here... defeated.

Yup...

This new blade is hella sharp...

It Never Stops...

I want my razors.

90th Day without Diet Pills

I need them so bad right now... and if not now... first thing in the morning.


I don't know how much longer I can do this. I really, really, really just need them.


I feel like I just got hit with a wave of depression and self-hatred. I need to be loose weight. I need to be skinny. I hate this. I hate myself. I hate my body.


Fuck.

I Feel so Fat

I hate this... I feel fat, and disgusting, and gross.


Not to mention I'm in pain.


It's 11pm now... my chest has been hurting since 4 in the afternoon yesterday. My mom thinks it's a muscle. She thinks my potassium got too low and my muscles got tight and I strained or even pulled something in my chest doing a simple movement in class. I'm still not sure.


The pain spread to my neck and has gone a little further down my chest. It's hard to pinpoint exactly where the pain is. It hurts really badly when I breathe.


It's whatever I guess... I took it easy today because of it... no gym OR pilates (OMG WTF) and I sat out of my morning ballet class. I danced in jazz (I did tell him it was hurting) and also in ballet later (he know as well). 


I feel really gross. I'm having one of those "I-just-wanna-crawl-into-a-dark-cave-and-die" moments. I hate my life so much.


And of course yesterday was super stressful. The feedback I got from the director on my piece wasn't good. She doesn't get it and therefore wants me to change like the whole beginning. I got so pissed off and upset that by the time in the meeting I brought up the costumes I just got really upset and started crying and practically yelling at her... not even because of the costumes... just because of everything. Whatever. 


She thinks she know me so well. She thinks I give up easily and just quit at everything. She thinks I'm not going to be able to handle grad school.


If I was someone that gave up I'm PRETTY sure I would've killed myself 8 fuckin' years ago. OBVIOUSLY she didn't get the point of my piece... a life or death situation you're in control of, fighting to stay alive when all you wanna do is kill yourself, never giving up even though it would be easier... uh huh... two hours of crying and a massive headache later...


Whatever. It's my piece. I don't HAVE to make the changes she wants. I made an artistic choice and I'm sticking with it.


Oh... did I mention how she thinks I never stand up for myself?
Yet every time I do (it's usually to her because she's a bitch) she makes me feel guilty for things.


Fuck that. This is my piece. MY creative process, my artistic choices. Mine.


Whatever I'm just rambling now.


Gonna go try to get some sleep.


Oh... but one more thing... I'm fuckin' itchy!! It started like 4/5 days ago... like, I have all these little itchy bumps everywhere!!


Okay... whatever.


Goodnight <3

Coffee and Grapefruit

So this week... I'm going to be doing this... I KNOW it's not the best thing to do... but I just feel super gross.


So I'm going to have my little bit of the coffee in the morning... and then fast through the day... and then have half a grapefruit for dinner when I get back from classes.


My schedule for the following week is this:


Monday
Modern 1030-1150
Pilates Workout 12-1
Bio 1-150
Gym 2-245
Jazz 3-420
Kinesiology 430-720
Then I have to go over what we've been doing in rehearsal with girl who have been missing... not sure how long that will take... probably until about 8pm or so.


Tuesday
Pilates Seminar 830-1030
Modern 11-1220
Gym 1230-145
English 2-320
Jazz 330-450
Go over stuff with jazz teacher until about 5
Pilates Workout 5-6
Gym 6-645
Videotapings 7-10


Wednesday

Ballet 1030-1150

Pilates Workout 12-1

Bio 1-150

Gym 2-245

Jazz 3-420

Gym 430-530

Ballet 6-720

Thursday

Pilates Seminar 830-1030

Modern 11-1220

Gym 1230-145

English 2-320

Jazz 330-450

Dance Ensemble 530-650

Friday

Pilates Workout 1015-1115

Teaching Mixed Equipment Class 1130-1230

Bio 1-150

Dance Comp II 2-450

Pilates Lab 5-7

Gym 7-8

Yeah... so umm... that's my week... more or less... things may be altered a bit as needed... I need to have a meeting about my piece in the show with the director which I want to make for Wednesday so that might cut my gym time short to even take it out before ballet at 6... we'll see.

Coffee every morning.

Half a grapefruit every night.

And I need to be more on top of vitamin E... 3 times a day... I need to... these scars are SO bad and my parents are coming on Saturday to look at apartments.

I'll have coffee in the morning on Saturday, do my pilates workout... teach a private... then at 11 I have to go start looking at apartments... not sure how long that's gonna take... I think I'll be able to get away without eating lunch... I'll tell them I got hungry while I was teaching G and ate a fiber one bar or something...

I dunno if they're staying for dinner... they might or might not. I don't think they're staying the night though... hotels are super expensive for some reason... but maybe they'll leave before dinner.

Then Sunday I need to teach a private then I'll do my workout after, then go to the gym, then I have 2 hours of rehearsal.

Okay... this is totally do-able.

I should be happier with my body in about a week or so... I just feel like the last 2 weeks have been nothing but bingeing and cutting.

Okay... sorry... long post... I'm done now.

My Outpatient Experience

Okay... so someone asked me on my tumblr why my experience in outpatient was so bad and of course I write out this long, intense, emotional response and tumblr eats it!! 


So I'm going to respond here and then I'll also post this on my tumblr.


Yes, them trying to take dance away from me was a part of it... but it was SO much more than just that. And also, I wasn't the only one who had issues with this program. The therapist I saw when I was 19 said she had a number of girls coming in and saying the same things about the program and who had had very bad experiences there.

• They didn't emotionally prepare me to gain weight. I didn't see the therapist regularly and when I did see her she overanalyzed everything and basically put words in my mouth. Then she was apparently leaving (which they knew before I even got there) so I was going to have to switch to someone else and basically start all over... not that we really accomplished anything anyway.
• The nutritionist was just plain RUDE. I went in really trying to work with the team, I agreed to gain weight. I was underweight, yes... but not to the point where I needed any kind of tube or anything... they were way too focused on me gaining weight and not at all focused on me as a person or how I was feeling. They wanted me to gain too much too fast, and like I said... I wasn't emotionally ready NOR was I told what to expect physically when gaining weight and recovering from anorexia. I was eating pretty much 24/7 and they wanted me to eat even more. It was hard for me because I just didn't even know what to eat at that point... I'm super picky to begin with (not at all ED related) but no one believed me. Nothing I ever did was good enough for them. My mom tried to help me out and give me suggestions I felt m ore okay with but the nutritionist told her not to go about it the way she was... which in all honesty, I would have been able to eat more if she hadn't told my mom to shut up. My mom had the right idea about how to get me to eat more and feel more okay with it.
• I wasn't treated like a person at all. She treated me like I was an idiot and didn't know anything. They took my voice away. I went in and I was underweight, I didn't know why... I had been trying to maintain my weight and eating more... but I was still loosing, I didn't know what was going on, I was scared. Nothing felt real... and when I did try to talk to them about something... they didn't give a shit. I AM a picky eater- but they didn't believe me. Then- they tried to tell me I couldn't dance... dance was and IS the only reason I'm alive right now... and they wanted to take that from me. I got back to a healthy weight and of course you don't IMMEDIATELY get  your period back... but they wanted me to keep gaining...  knew my body just wasn't ready for my period yet... but they pretty much just wanted me to keep gaining until it came back.

The bottom line is still that they took my voice away and I was literally traumatized from the situation. It's why I have such a hard time going to see a therapist now and that was what... 5 years ago? I can't even begin to explain to you what it feels like to be in that kind of a situation and so vulnerable and so afraid and suddenly have no voice. Everything I said was invalidated. It made me feel stupid, worthless, unimportant. Is that really how you want to make someone feel when you're supposed to be helping them recover from anorexia?

Since then, I haven't been able to speak up like I used to. I used to say what was on my mind all the time without a second thought. But now, it's almost as if I have a minor case of social anxiety... I'm always afraid to say something... what if I say the wrong thing? What if no one cares? No one will care. I should just keep it to myself. Nothing I say means anything anyway. 

That's how I think now- because of that program. And I'm just now (again- 5 years later) beginning to open up to people. And I am SO lucky that I have such supportive people in my life who really do care and value what I say and who respect me as a human and who respect my feelings. When my opinions are invalidated- I feel invalidated. I feel worthless. 

Nothing I said mattered, my opinions where unimportant, my feelings where irrelevant, my ideas and efforts weren't good enough, apparently everything I knew about my body or bodies in general was wrong... therefore- I didn't matter, I wasn't important, I was irrelevant, I wasn't good enough, I was stupid, I was nothing.  

I know I wrote more... but I can't even really think of it now after having to do this twice...

I Just Wanna Love Myself...

That's all I've ever really wanted...


Is that really too much for one person to ask for their entire life?

Fuuuuccckk.

I honestly just feel like I'm never gonna get better...


I only took one ex-lax tonight but I wanna take like a handful more. I almost just wanna too sick to function tomorrow... I wanna get everything out of my system. I keep looking at Miralax... 32 ounces of that once a week should do the trick.


Cutting just keeps getting worse. My right wrist is red, my entire left arm is covered in cuts, scabs, and scars of various sizes and depths (nothing too deep though), my stomach is all scratched up, both of my legs are covered in scars, and my hip still has a few cuts that are healing from last week.


I'm not crazy...


Ugh... whatever... I just hate this so much.


Like, I really do want to stop... I just don't know how... and I just hate myself so much, and then I cut or something and I just feel even worse about myself...


I did do this today though:

Ughh... whatever... everything just sucks.

Oh... and here's my thing where I keep track of everything... I just started doing this in February... so yeah... it's missing a lot before then obviously. And I don't think I started the laxative countdown right away either but yeah... here it is.

After the Mini Meltdown

Okay… so about a month ago I had a mini meltdown with my pilates teacher which I talked about in one of my last posts... the one that I also talked about my newest tattoo... anyway things have sort of been rough lately and I've talked to her here and there when she sees I'm really stressed out and asks me whats going on. I honestly think I've gotten more hugs from her in the past month than I have from anyone in my entire life... probably combined.

First of all, she’s awesome… I love her. I just feel so terrible because she’s always worrying about me and she wants to help so badly but she really can’t do anything, she can’t make things better for me. 

So we had our pilates open house today and I talked to her a bit yesterday about it because we had to wear our instructor tank tops… I asked her if it would be okay if I wore a jacket and she said yes… first she thought it was cause of body stuff (common with me and everyone knows it) but when she asked I said “I just need to have long sleeves on” and she thought for like half a second and then said, “All week, huh?”… so obviously she noticed the thumb hole shirt in class and me not rolling up the sleeves which I sometimes do. 

Then she asked what day… and my response was… everyday. The last week has just been really rough for whatever reason. Anyway… we talked for a bit about some stuff and I think what scares her (and probably a lot of other people) about me the most is that I don’t scare myself enough. She asked me if I have people to go to and talk about everything in my life and I told her no… because in real life, I really don’t. I told her one of the other teachers knew and like a handful of other people but most I don’t talk to anymore.

So anyway, I saw her today for like half a second before my composition class and I was in a really good mood this morning… and she asked how I was just in passing, across the room and I said “good”, which was actually true… so then I had class. It’s a 3 hour dance composition class and the last 20 minutes or so we were given somewhat of an art project to do -_-

He wanted us each to lay on a sheet of paper in some kind of pose and have someone trace us… I did NOT want to do this. I just… no. But I did it… I ended up being on my forearms and one knee with my other leg stretched out behind me so my torso, hips, ect. wouldn’t have to be traced. So when it was finished… it’s like mostly hand/arm cause you can’t tell what the rest is and they’re seperated… well then he wanted us to color our own in the last 10 minutes (finish for homework and use as inspiration for choreography for next week)… well… I just ended up smearing red ALL over mine with my hands. It was like… really emotional and too much for me for just a class assingment.

When I got to the open house, my teacher swoops in to give me a hug and asks how class was and I told her it was fine until the end and she asked what happened and I told her all of that and she could tell I was really upset about it. She said she’s always thinking about me. And we also had to do a bunch of pictures and stuff and she would randomly squeeze my hand and let me be in the back even though I’m the shortest and she told me I was being her champion today because of all the cameras. 

When I wasn’t with a prospective client, I hung out with one of the girls I went through the program with and when we did the pictures I stayed by her and so that was good. I felt so much better during the open house, I was keeping busy and with prospective clients and talking with one of my friends and talking to my teachers son who is adorable and he was making me smile just cause he was simply there and super cute… so it was good.

Then I when we were done I was about to leave and my teacher asked me to stay for a minute and she waited until everyone else left and then we talked a little. She said she talked to her therapist about my situation (not in a bad way… and I don’t see it that way, but just because she feels helpless and wants so badly for me to be okay)… anyway she said a lot of what came up was that because of what I’m going through and the severity of everything for me, the best thing is inpatient. Of course I like reacted as soon as she said that and she was like ‘I know’… but it’s difficult because it’s been a part of my life for as long as I can remember and there’s still such a disconnect between why I actually self injure and what triggers it for me… and even though it may go dormant for a while… it always comes back… so she just really wants me to be able to figure out what that is and be able to recover from it. And a lot of it too is just… energetic ups and downs and mood swings and things like that.

I dunno… we got cut a bit short cause her son (omg he’s the most adorable child ever!!!) walked in and her husband so we stopped talking about that… I hung around for a few more minutes and then decided to go and she told me to call her if I need anything… to ALWAYS call her… and she told me that a month ago when I had the initial meltdown.

Anyway… I think that’s it… sorry it’s long. I’m just sort of processing everything still. 

Fuck it.

I can't eat the rest of the week. I just can't.
I need to study. I need to go tanning. I need to work out... A LOT.


Shit.


Oh... I cut.


Whoomp. 40 days down the drain.


Took more ex lax... should take more...


So fucking fat.


I'll be away next week... it'll be easy to not really eat while I'm away.
I'll work out there too...
Gym, gym, gym.


Gonna go see what hours the hotel gym is open and where it's located right now.

Fat. All I am is fucking FAT!

I can't stand this. I fucking hate it.


Tomorrow... coffee... ballet (9am)... work on case study for class... nutrition... skip music history for gym... improvisation... gym... adv. jazz... GYM.


Maybe a short gym trip or tanning on my way back from class (depending on how I feel mood-wise).


Then finish my english paper and turn it in BEFORE MIDNIGHT.


Go to bed. No food. I don't need it.


Fuck my life.

SO behind on Updates!!!

Okay... well, I'm super behind... I got the semi colon tattoo a few weeks ago. I absolutely LOVE it!!



It's now been 36 days without cutting (ohmygod.... SO hard!!) and 35 days without diet pills.
Although I did have some laxatives last week and I think they ALL caught up with me Saturday... I was SO sick. 


So I've started rehearsing my piece... I can talk more about that another day but what I really wanted to update everyone on was today.


So I had my pilates private and I was in a mood and my teacher always knows when I'm stressed out or whatever and will ask if I'm okay and what's going on and I usually just like... ignore it. But I thought it was mostly just school stressing me out so I wasn't gonna say anything after she asked, I just said I'm stressed out and then she stopped like mid-exercise and was like... 'are you gonna tell me what you're stressed about?' so I figured it's just school... whatever. So I started talking about grad school and the two classes I'm failing and all the sudden I'm sobbing and like we pretty much spent my entire private talking and I told her about my eating disorder, depression, self injury, and suicidal thoughts/tendencies. I told her I tried to kill myself last year and just like everything. It was total word vomit which like... never happens with me so it was weird but she was so happy I told her cause she's always worrying about me, like... really bad and she told me I can call or text her whenever I need to. 


It was just like... one of those weeks I guess and it just all came out and she told me I'm under a lot of pressure and then I put even more pressure on myself and I need to work on seeing the things I've accomplished because I suck at it... legit, her words. But yeah... anyway... I'm a bit tired right now so I'm not gonna say much more but I need to get on her more often... there's too much I'm realizing and not keeping track of.


Like the whole grad school thing and feeling like I'm running away from my problems and I think I did that when I transferred high school and college and I can't keep doing that (I think this is why I got so emotional this morning)... but anyway, I'll talk about that another time.

I'm too fat...

Fat, fat, fat.
Fat, fat, fat.


Today is 21 days without cutting and 18 days without diet pills. I need those pills. I feel worse about my body every damn day without them. I'm going to the gym more... and I feel like I'm just getting fatter. I'm gaining weight. My body is isolating me. I couldn't find anything to wear so I skipped classes today. I don't wanna go tomorrow. I can't take shots before my 9am class... they won't last until 7:30pm. I don't want to be in front of mirrors. I want to dance. I need to dance. I have to move. But I don't want to see my body. I want to cut off all the fat. Oh my god... I can't do this. It's too much.


I honestly don't know what to do. I won't go back to therapy. I just won't. I don't know what options I even have. I just need to loose weight. Fuck! But my metabolism is so fucked up. What if without the pills I'll just gain and gain and gain and gain and gain and never stop? 


I hate this. I hate all of it. I keep thinking I'm doing good but I'm not, I'm not doing good. I'm freakin' out! I hate fat. I hate my body. I hate myself. I hate everything! Ughh.. I can't do this. I just can't.