I've never wanted to kill myself as much as I do right now.

I finally admitted to myself that I need help, serious help. But I don't want it. I don't think I'll ever want it... and that scares the shit out of me.

You guys keep me going :)

I just want to thank all of my followers, especially those who actually do look at my blog (which has been mainly rants and such lately) and a double especially to those who comment on my stuff.


I don't know if you guys know how much it really means to me. I don't have a single person I can confide in and just getting some stuff (even small) down in writing is a huge stepping stone for me. It reallly means a lot to me that you guys take the time to read/comment and you're all so sweet all the time. I love you guys <3 <3 


Remember, you're all beautiful and amazing :)

Also, I'm sorry I don't get to comment on all of your stuff. I really wish I could get more comments out to you guys because I really do hope you're all well and want to help you out when I can =) 

I go back to school Sunday so I'll have lots more free time to send you guys love then! Promise!!

'Confessions About Eating Disorders' Excerpt

Whoever thinks that eating disorders are something good and a glamorous thing, Your WRONG. It is a terrible thing. It hurts not only you but the people around you. You will end up killing yourself. If thats what your looking to do just remember this, Suicide is a PERMANENT solution for a TEMPORARY problem. You are loved and suicide will not help you with anything. Neither will the ED. -Anonymous


From a post the end of a post on Confessions About Eating Disorders.

Story of my life...

Don't call yourself a friend when you only care about yourself, saying you'll be there for someone means nothing when you don't follow through.

Let's compare scars, I'll tell you who's worse.

There is no comparison between scars. No two are the same...


There's a reason for every location, a use for every sharp object. 
The blood may drip... or maybe just show.
The reason why is never the same, it relieves us all in our own way.


There is a first, a second, a third, all the way to the last...
but remember, no two scars are alike... don't assume to understand someone else's pain when you're only there for yourself.
We are not that alike.


So tell me, how deep will you go?

Don't worry, I'm fine. Haven't cut a while now. Just something that came out of my head this morning that I wanted to get down in writing. It's not just about cutting, but more general than that. Only a few people even claim to know me really well, and they really don't know me at all.


Funny world we live in, isn't it? 

Frighteningly True

I'm trying...

Sorry I don't post as much when I'm home, but right now I just have something that I really need to get off my chest.


So I'm not good at telling people how I feel. I'm once of those people who bottle everything up inside and put on a smile even on my worst days. I don't let people see me cry, ever, and I hate it when people know I'm upset. It's like I want people to thing I'm the strong fearless girl I was as a kid, but I know that's not true.


Anyway, since my blog, videos, and journal... I have been trying to open up to people more. Everyone knows I don't tell them what's bothering me, or even when something is bothering me. People get on my case all the time about crying and tell me it's okay for me to cry. People tell me that I can talk to them about anything and they'll always be there for me.


But what I don't get is when I do try to reach out, when I do try to let people in, when I'm broken and at my weakest moments... they all ignore me. If I'm lucky, they may respond to a text. But just one.  And then the go on facebook and update their status (sometimes via phone) but they don't respond to me. Or they will text me,  call me, message me, whatever... with one of their own problems, and totally disregard whatever I had said last. 

Meanwhile, there have been countless times where I am been in tears on the bathroom floor, with a razor in my hand, kneeling over the toilet, wrapped in blankets in my bed... and I will always, always find a way to make myself respond to people when they come to me with a problem. Even if it's one that hits really close to home for me, and I never once say what a mess I am at that moment because it's not about me and I'm not about to make it. Yet I have friends who turn on their phones so if I really need someone I can't get in contact with them or people who, like I said, disregard whatever I said and turn it around to be about them. 


I just don't get people. This is why I never let anyone in. Because they don't care. And not letting them in is better than the rejection of them not giving a crap about me. It just sucks and I don't know how people and be so selfish and inconsiderate (and I realize I'm sounding a bit selfish myself right now). But seriously people, come on. Get over yourselves. It's not always about you.

Sometimes, it's about me.


There. I said it. I'm important to and there is no reason why people should be treating me this way. But I have no one else, and so I put up with it. But one of these days I'm gonna blow up on someone, I really am. Because this is fucking ridiculous.

Do what you love. Love what you do.

I do what I do because I love if and if someone doesn't see that, then screw them. At least I know what's important to me and I know how to set my priorities. So what if I'm not the best student? Who cares? School's not always at the top of my list. There are more important things in life than just getting good grades. 


And if I have to skip a night out once in a while so I can wake up early to help someone else, than so be it. I volunteer, a lot. I do it because I love it, it's important to me and those kids mean the world to me. I would do anything for them. It's also good for me in a way because I do better in general when I have less time free time. I work with kids with special needs, anything you can think of... serious, or minor... they are everything to me. 


Any of my "friends" who think I don't spend enough time with them or get angry because I'm not willing to give up my time with these kids, or the kids I teach dance to, aren't worth my time. If the things that are important to me don't matter to them, then it's never gonna work out between us. I'm way to passionate about what I do to let anything ever get in the way of it.

Support Autism Speaks this Holiday Season

Music Help?

Hi!!


Random, but does anyone know how to get music on my page? I can't seem to figure it out for the life of me... I've tried numerous things =/ 


Haha, thanks!!

Copy Cat

You know what I hate??


People who act like you just to fit in, or get attention, or whatever... I don't even know why they do it. But it pisses me off! Especially when individualism is so important to me. I may not know who I am... but I know that I'm me... I'm unlike anyone else. That may be the one thing that I love about myself. Sure, at times I wish I could be more like other people, more normal, more healthy, more accepting... but I'm not and I just have to get over that. 

I have a friend who has recently become like this... and I don't want to confront her of it because what if it's all in my own head? I don't want to accuse her of something.

Some things I've said in the past....
-This is quoted from a huge fight we got into back in June (I said this toward the end of the fight):

You know what? I do a good enough job treating myself like shit so I really don't need your help. Thanks.

                     - Well a while back, I dunno if we were having an argument or if she was telling me something she said to someone else but what she said was this. What I said to her in June.


-Something I've always joked about (for years now) is I always say if I ever did drugs, I wouldn't smoke pot, I'd just do coke. Remember- JOKE, I'm not doing drugs.
                    - The other night on the phone, she said that exact thing.


- She also wants a tattoo now, after being afraid of needles and apparently running away from the doctor so she didn't have to get a shot or something. She's also always hated tattoos and never really approved of the one I want on my wrist for well over a year, maybe two now... but now all she can talk about is this damn tattoo she's getting.


- I can't go to the dentist alone, or doctor sometimes depending on what kind of doctor. I just won't go there if I'm left to take myself. Plus, I have to get happy gas at the dentist so I need a ride home. Now I have to bring her to the dentist next week because she apparently won't go on her own, which she's done before. I just don't get it. I mean, I know she has her own reasons for not liking the dentist but really?


- And with all of the trust issues I have, she's the one that knows the most about me and that I can confide in the most with... and same goes for her, although she does have other people she talks to I really just have her. Anyway, I always go back to the fact that no one will ever love me and I'm always going to be alone. I honestly believe that everyone leave me. And I blame myself every time. Well, the other night or last week or something she brought up how everyone leaves her.


- Oh and the whole thing about crying. I like never cry, sometimes I don't even think I can. And when I do cry, on those rare occasions... it's like... a single tear. I wish I could cry. I really do. I say it all the time but it's like I just don't know how. And now all of the sudden my friend, who used to cry all the time, just can't cry. Just out of nowhere.


- It even comes down to that I feel like I'm the reason for her ED and SI (if that's real). I feel like she got it from me and it's all my fault.

I just feel like I'm not my own person anymore. I hate people who are like that but at the end of the day she's been my best friend for years... I don't know what to do. I tried to talk to her about it but I don't know how to bring it up. I don't want to accuse her or start a fight. I mean there are other things too, these are just what I think are a few of the bigger issues. It's fucking confusing is what it is. 


Any advice? 
Sorry for venting so much lately by the way, I promise, happy posts coming soon!


                      

Can't Sleep

I've been laying in bed for hours. I hate this. All I want to do right now is go into hibernation. I want to sleep... I want to be in bed, but my head hurts and I'm wide awake.

I laid in bed for a few hours before my dance finals tonight, took me about 45 minutes just to get to a sitting position and out of bed. I really just wanted to stay there. As soon as finals were done I got right back in bed... but I can't for the life of me fall asleep! I spray lavender vanilla pillow mist from Bath and Body Works on my pillow every night and it really does help me.... most of the time. I just want to sleep so I don't have to think or feel or anything. 


Now I'm sitting on my futon watching The Nanny. I don't know what to do with myself. Blah blah blah.

I'm so tired of pretending that everything is okay... these last two weeks have been hell. Seriously things are NOT okay. I'm not perfect. And I don't want to be... but I'm done pretending my life is great when really it's not. I'm done faking for the sake of other people. 


I'm sorry I can't fix all of you. I really am. But I don't know how you expect me to fix you when I can't even help myself. 


I'm tired of being alone, being sad, angry. I'm tired of hate. I'm tired of it all. I just want things to get better. I want everything to be the way it was... when I was happy. 

I want to be happy. 
Is that really too much to ask?

White Light

I have too much to say so I'm just going to tell you what I'm doing now. I am sitting in the library putting off papers that I don't understand and studying for exams that I don't even know what they're on. I need this all for tomorrow... which also happens to be my birthday. 


My plans for tomorrow (I'll add in gym and tanning whenever I get a chance to run down there):
- 7am pilates pedagogy test
- 10:30-12:30 theatre production final (I'm not doin' so hot in this class)
- 3:30-5:30 world musics exam (I'm legit failing this class)
- 7-8pm photo shoot for dance


So basically, I need one of my papers (3-5 pages) for theatre production and 3 papers about 2 pages long each of reviews from performances for world musics. I have other papers due other days, this is just for tomorrow. I haven't started a single one of those nor to I know what I'm supposed to be writing, or even studying in the case of world musics. 


I also need to get the order to pilates because it's level IV which I'm still not to great with teaching. And as for the photo shoot thing... we need close-up head shots to be blown up to about 9 feet tall that will be on stage with us. I don't know if I've talked about my fear and hatred for cameras yet on here... but it's serious business. I sometimes hyperventilate and I refuse to look at my own picture even if I let someone take it just because I know it's going to make me feel like crap.

And like I said, tomorrow, when I have all of this, is my birthday. My 21st birthday. Awesome, huh?


So I never go to the library, and being tomorrow is the first day of finals, it's jam packed. People are sitting on the floor. I walked up and down about 3 floors and got lost in the middle of bumblefuck nowhere surrounded by books with not a person in sight before I found a guy packing up his stuff to leave and took his seat. I don't know a thing about libraries, I don't know how they work or anything. It's like a big deal that I'm here.


Although I'm thinking of coming more often just for the simple fact that it will prevent me from binging because I'll be out. It could work.


Oh and as for the title.... I don't know if I've talked about my white light analogy before. But basically I feel like I'm a white light. When you mix every color of light you get white... well when I have too many emotions and am feeling too many things all at once I go blank, like a white light. So, yeah.

I think I'm gonna head out soon. Damn library is boring as hell and I hate this quiet. It's freakin' me out man. Haha, I've been makin' so much  noise. Whoops! Plus I have a killer headache. I haven't started a single paper. God damn. Not to mention, I'm still a little lost even though I found people. I'm not so sure I know how to get out of here, hahaha.

Promise Yourself

To be so strong that nothing

can disturb your peace of mind.

To talk health, happiness, and prosperity

to every person you meet.

To make all your friends feel

that there is something in them

To look at the sunny side of everything

and make your optimism come true.

To think only the best, to work only for the best,

and to expect only the best.

To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others

as you are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past

and press on to the greater achievements of the future.

To wear a cheerful countenance at all times

and give every living creature you meet a smile.

To give so much time to the improvement of yourself

that you have no time to criticize others.

To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear,

and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world,

not in loud words but great deeds.

To live in faith that the whole world is on your side

so long as you are true to the best that is in you.

By Christian D. Larson

True Happiness

I could go on about this forever.... but all I'm going to say is this is more true to me than I could ever imagine.

And right now... I am failing everyone, which results in me failing myself. If anything... I have hurt people trying to make myself happy.

I'm so sorry.

~~

You know what... I am going to go on about it. I'm going to go on because I think that I need to say it if nothing else just to admit it to myself and work through it and try to work out what the fuck is wrong with me. I'm sorry if I ramble, you don't really even have to read this if you don't want.

I don't even know where to start. I'm on the verge of tears... I just binged. I suck at life. I don't know what's wrong with me or why I feel the need to be the tiniest girl in the world. I just want to know what is wrong with me and why I'm the way I am.

Anyway, I saw this quote and it made so much sense to be. I am eventually doing to be a dance movement therapist. I love helping people, especially kids. I feel so good when I do. I forget about all the shit that doesn't matter and I just enjoy helping other people. I love to make people smile, I love to give people hugs when they're crying. I hate when other people are sad, I really really do. I love volunteering, it's why I never really had a job. It's just such a huge part of who I am. I work with kids mostly... and I would do anything for them. Anything. 

I know I'm a terrible person... yet for some reason, I still have a ton of kids that look up to me. They're the reason I want to be better. I can't stand the thought of them looking up to who I actually am. I would die if I found out that any of my kids did a single one of the stupid things that I do. Besides all the kids I've taught dance to or the kids I've met through volunteering... there are two little girls that I love more than anything. One of them, is my 2 year old cousin, the other is a little girl in first grade that my mom used to watch since she was about 3months old. I know for a fact that she looks up to me. She's so smart and beautiful and talented. I want her to always know that. 

I totally went off what I was initially going to say. 

In the last year or so, things have gotten really really bad with me. And since at least last spring, my best friend has been saying that she has an ED and she told me she cuts a few weeks ago (which was news to me). Anyway, I try to help her as much as I can... the thing is she is my biggest trigger. I still try though, I really really do. But I also can't help feeling like if these things are all true (I don't even know) that if she didn't know me she would've found better ways to deal with her stress. I feel like I am a huge part of why she does what she does. She saw me when I was skinny and happy... maybe she thinks she can have that? I don't know, but whatever it is I feel like I've totally failed her and I'm kicking myself for it. I hate myself for that. All I want is for her to be happy and instead I feel like I've done this to her... which makes me miserable.

When she mentioned cutting, I had been in the best mood ever... on top of the world. But I did a total 180 when I heard that. I ended up crying in my bed for hours, not moving. I didn't want to be alone but no one was around that night. I was afraid to be alone. I was in such a low place, my heart literally sank. Yeah, she triggers me with ED stuff a lot... but the cutting. Really? If this is true... I feel like it's because she saw some cuts on my wrist over the summer (she apparently started after that). I just really don't know.

I've hurt so many people because of my misery. My ED, SI.... everything. I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt anyone, ever. I never wanted to put anyone through what I did. I hate myself even more for knowing the pain I've caused other people. I'm such a mess. This is exactly why no one will ever love me... why I won't let anyone love me. I don't want to hurt them. I push people away because I know I'll only end up ruining their lives. I don't want to do that to them... but I'm just not that great at lying all the time.

I'm sorry I can't always fake a smile anymore. I'm sorry for being me. I wish I could be a better person. Someone who could be loved, who would make a great role model, anyone but myself. I did this to myself, it's no one's fault but my own and I don't want to drag anyone down with me. I'm better off alone.

Baby you're a firework

Do you know that there's still a chance for you

Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite the light

And let it shine

Just own the night

Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework

Come on show 'em what your worth

Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"

As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework

Come on let your colors burst

Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"

You're gunna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own

 

Spent the day in bed....

Obviously not....

So it was just one of those days where I was kinda depressed, didn't get out of bed until about 2ish and then I spent the rest of the day (it's around 8pm now) laying on my futon watching TV and playing games online.


I didn't go to a single class today (I've already missed too many and am failing two of them that I had today) and it's the last week of classes. Finals start on Monday (my 21st birthday). So anyway.... I need to right 22 journals for one class, I have 4 weeks of reading/journals for another, I have to finish 3-4 journals for another class, I need to right 2 papers on performances, a paper on the set of RENT, plus 3 papers on performances for world musics (one of which I still haven't seen), and of course study for my finals and my pilates exams next week. I also have to go to the place I'm doing my internship next week to fill out all of the paperwork and make it official. Oh! And I have to order dancewear for the company. Cool. Plus my dance I'm choreographing needs to be finished this weekend and taught to the dancers so it's completed for Tuesday. Wow. And psychology quizzes. Shit.... I think we still have like 2 of them. Ugggh.


I feel so lazy.... just sitting around doing nothing today when there was so much to do. I haven't even showered yet... and I realllllllly need to shower. I also have to do laundry. I'm gonna try to get work done tonight and take care of all the hygiene issues in the morning just to keep me busy. I didn't even read or paint my nails. I legit did nothing. I haven't left my room obviously.... and I don't plan on it unless I go out for a cigarette.... but I think I'm gonna wait until tomorrow for a smoke since I'm being so lazy today. Going out for a smoke would require at least a little eyeliner. Blehh. Oh... and I need to wash dishes. Or at least put them in the dishwasher.

My plans for tomorrow....
-get up and shower/do laundry
-straighten hair... do makeup nice and wear some jewelry
-go to class in CLOTHES (not sweats)
-chill in my apartment for a while.... clean, get some work done?
-drive my friend to the liquor store
-dance 130-730
-come back to my apartment to do work and SLEEP (I will probably go to the gym at night)


I am only planning on having coffee, water, diet pills, and possibly half of a pomegranate fuze slenderize tomorrow. Not healthy, I know. 


Thursday morning I have my private pilates session and then I want to use that free tan at Hollywood Tans. I'll actually go to all of my classes (bring my laptop with me and probably do a 'daily update' for you guys).  I also have rehearsal so I'll be out later Thursday and need to be up at 6am on Friday. I should e-mail the bookstore back and see if I can get some hours for Friday, Sunday, and all of next week during finals.


I am so so excited for winter break though. I really need this and I did so well at home, it just wasn't long enough. Maybe being back for longer I'll get into a habit that I can finally bring back to school with me. I want to go out like every night. I'll probably skip most dinners, but that's fine. Once I loose the weight I'll be happy again and then I can ease myself into being healthy again. Please don't treat yourselves the way I treat myself. I'm a terrible role model.

Oh wow... and I still haven't unpacked from break, or from moving in.... damn. I have so much to do. I feel like the more I have to do, the less I get done.... if that makes any sense at all. Not really. Shit, writing it all out makes me realize how far behind I really am. I know that I say this every single term, but next term I'm going to do good. I really really am. Or at least I'll try.


Sorry most of my posts are so long! I guess I just have a lot to get off my chest all the time and this is the only place I can really do it.


You guys are amazing though! I love you all, especially if you actually read the nonsense I go on about everyday.

I just want to go home.

Now.

Daily Update 3

Normally my 'daily updates' are updated throughout my day, but tonight I'm just doing an after all of today kind of thing.


I ate too much today. Way way way too much. I didn't reallllly binge, but it was too much, way way way too much. I feel disgusting. I'm a fat cow. I don't know how/why I let myself do this. I hate myself, I'm such a fucking moron! I did so good at home! WHAT THE FUCK?!? If I didn't want to be a dance therapist so bad I swear I'd just leave. What's so great about college anyway? All it is is loneliness and stress for me. I'm so grossed out by myself!


And on top of that, I had a really bad dance class tonight because all I could think about was that the reason I can't dance anymore and I've gotten so much worse is because I'm fucking FAT! I can't turn for shit because of these god damn fucking hips! Why won't they just go away!?!? I have two more weeks until I'm home again, ugh, I almost seriously just want to drop out. FUCK! Why do I do this to myself?


Maybe if I chug some coke zero I can get myself to throw up, ughh, but that doesn't undo anything!!! I really want to do that. But I don't want to go in the bathroom because one of my razors is in there and I've been so so good recently. It's been probably two or more weeks since I last cut. And it was on my leg, I've been really good about staying away from my wrists. FUCK! I don't even know what I feel anymore. I just hate myself. And I'm huge. 


HUGE HUGE HUGE! 


I used to be the little one, now I'm like three times the size of anyone else. I went from the skinny little Nikki to the fat girl. I'm the fat girl. I hate being the fat girl! And now I feel bad for ranting about all of this. I'm just insane, I'm mentally and emotionally unstable, I'm fucked up. I hate this. I hate my life. I hate everything about it. You know I haven't seriously thought about suicide in years? I mean, I won't do it, I know I won't so don't worry. But it would be so easy. SO easy. 


I even got more diet pills yesterday. I now take four different ones and water pills. Every pill is one step closer to cardiac arrest... as if I wasn't at risk for that anyway. Or in the past I was... and I've always had chest pain. FUCK!!! I can't eat tomorrow. Screw being healthy. Fuck it. Once I start eating I apparently can't stop. I can't be aloud alone with food. I'm a disgusting pig! This shouldn't be so difficult, but it is! Why? What the hell did I ever do to anyone to deserve this? Other than my sheer existence that is. I want to scream; I want to cry. But I don't know how, I don't know what to do.


Oh my god. I really need to stop now. I'm sorry, this was a fail of an update. There is nothing about my day actually in here. Just.... I don't even know. Sorry.

Updating Pages

Hello!!!


Okay, so I know I said I wasn't gonna post again until tomorrow but I've been updating my pages. 

Songs- this is a list of songs I put together that give me hope for the future, put me in a good mood, or just touch me in a really positive way.
Poems- this page is my PERSONAL poetry, this is stuff that I've written... it's not very good, but I try =)
Breathe- this page is one of my favorites!!! on here I have a list of things I like to use for coping with whatever, I've also included a links for pages with other ways of coping or just pages that can help with ED, then I put a list of 'distraction links' if you feel you are going to binge or cut or do something you know you shouldn't  these sites will provide some distraction from your thoughts (I hope).
                    -- At some point I will add a book list (books related to ED and SI/good books for distraction).


I'm also working on a page for my journals (but I want it to be private and that's not an option) and I'm also thinking of a page with quotes and/or poetry I find online or that you guys want to share (credit will be given).


Which brings me to my next point... if there is anything you would like to add to any of my lists/pages such as links, websites, coping strategies, ect, please let me know. You can always feel free to e-mail me. I love suggestions!

And if you haven't checked out any of my pages yet, you should go ahead and do it! Kill some time, let me know what you think, what you want to see more of, whatever... I make these pages for you guys just as much as I do for myself so don't hesitate to ask for something or suggest something =)

I love you all! You're all wonderful and beautiful!
<3 <3 <3