Gee... thanks Mom.

First off... I decided to start therapy because things have been going well and I want to keep them going in that direction. I am facing a fear of therapeutic trauma and my supervisor has, in so many ways, inspired me to take better care of myself and not be ashamed of what that may mean.


So after a conversation (by which I mean my mom talking and me just taking it all in like a brick wall) this morning... I got to thinking.


She told me that she wants to put me in a residential facility. AKA get rid of me. Cool.


It won't happen... not if I have anything to do with it... but anyway it for me thinking about recovery and things. What I'm going for right now in terms of recovery has nothing to do with how much I am eating, but having a HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP with food.


Once that is accomplished. I can work on how much... although, I think by having a healthier relationship to food that will work itself out. 


And then from there, I can get the NEDA symbol tattoo (I'm still liking the back of my neck for placement but not a huge tattoo). I was, for a while, toying with the idea of designing it into a dragon's tail or something and I just got a message from J saying she wants to hide the NEDA symbol in a butterfly tattoo on her hip. Gee... thanks for stealing my idea. I can't stand that. I'll get over it.


I'm doing okay despite my mother wanting to send me away. I was a little upset about it this morning when it happened but I didn't let it get to me too much, I'm not over thinking it, and I'm just going to let it go. As I am the tattoo thing.


Oh... also, I am currently not seeing any therapists. Hours don't fit with the guy at school and I didn't like the woman here at home (where I have been staying and commuting to work). I don't know if/when I will be going back but now, as you can see, my mom is really wanting me back in therapy... intensive therapy... she said this has been going on for too long.


Sorry I can't speed up the recovery process.

Why I need diet pills....

I had the worse headache EVER yesterday and it lasted ALL DAY...


It took me until like 6:30-7pm to realize it was because I hadn't taken my fat burners (I ran out at home, I have more at school but I'll buy some). 


My face is still a fuckin' mess.


Yesterday all I had was a special k protein snack bar, a salad (lettuce and cucumber with maybe a slice of turkey), and some fruit. I also went tanning and took a zumba class. Zumba isn't really my thing...


I have to shower now and head to work. No plans for tonight. That means I'll be around for dinner. I can tan on the way home though.


Anyway, that's it for now... no major news.


<3 <3

Bones and Independence

My collarbones are slowly becoming more visible... very slowly... and I can feel my hip bones just a little more...

I think this is why I've been in such a good mood an okay mood lately. But my face is breaking out... something must still be stressing me.

I think one of my biggest fears also, is that I am going to fail... at life. I know nothing about money, paychecks, paying bills... I already suck at taking care of myself...


I feel like I will never be able to be fully independent. I will fail at everything... and I'm wondering if that may have played a role in my eating disorder...


Maybe... maybe not...

Whatever... I'm going to bed now. Goodnight <3

3 meals?!? What?!?

Yup, that's right. I totally did that today. Having 3 meals a day is such a scary concept for me... and although there are times when I manage to do it... I always feel like absolute SHIT about it.


But not today (not too much at least).


Breakfast- coffee (300) and protein muffin (130kcals) --- also two green tea triple fat burners
Lunch- turkey on whole wheat with spicy pineapple habenro and a red delicious apple (450kcals)
Snack- special k protein snack bar (110kcals)
Dinner- 2 turkey meatballs on whole wheat (500kcals)
Dessert- weight watchers ice cream cup (150kcals)


Total: 1,640 calories

Oh dear god it looks like a lot when I write it that way.
I did exercise today. And I also have to keep in mind that I round up... I always do 300 (sometimes 400) as a standard for my morning coffee, regardless of drinking it all or not which I didn't today, so that I start the day off with 300 calories and then have to watch everything else... or so it seems. And I round everything up. 


That is a really big number... but it's a healthy number, no?


Still trying to stay positive.


Not only did I cancel my drinking plans for the night so I could go home and have dinner, but I was also helping out with dress rehearsal and instead of staying the whole night to avoid dinner, I left earlier. I actually wanted to go home and have dinner. Wow... that's a first.


Anyway, I know lunch with be a no-go tomorrow with recital and all... not sure about dinner yet... and I'm going to go work out a little now...


This is good, right? 


1,000 or over is scary for me... 900 is scary... it needs to stay under 800 (on a day with extra exercise) otherwise 500 and below... which really is only 200 after my coffee... well, 150... I want to be under 500 not at it.

Ahh!! Numbers... no... this is good. Under 1,500 maybe would have been less overwhelming but this number is still okay...


And tomorrow will be lower so it's fine... I think...

This SUCKS!

There's just this one thing I could never wrap my head around.


When I was at my lowest weight, I was happy. I was willing to maintain, even gain a few pounds (of muscle).


I'm convinced that the treatment program made things worse. Made it actually become an eating disorder. At my lowest weight I was eating 3 meals a deal, snacking throughout the day... I ate what I wanted when I wanted. Never too much. I ate healthy. I was healthy. 


I'm only 5'2"... my BMI was not 15 or under...


Why couldn't they just leave me alone??

Not good...

I feel myself slipping... really slipping. Everything was going pretty well... I was fine all day today. I think it's being back at my apartment. Holy fuck. I just made the decision to stay at school. Maybe I was wrong. I just really liked this therapist over any other. Oh my god... I'm totally freaking out. I'm fighting against myself so damn hard right now.


Maybe I'll commute to work everyday from home. Not even be in Philly at all during the summer. Holy fuck. I don't know what to do.

Okay...

So I need to apologize... 
1) for the obsessive amount of posts 
2) for the negativity of all these posts


I knew this wasn't going to be easy... but it's just so damn frustrating that no matter how hard I am trying to accept myself and to be happy, these thoughts just keep popping up in my head! 


It's like... I don't want them there... but I can't get them out. I feel so totally out of control in my own mind.

Anyway, I just need to focus more on the positive...

- even though I've been wanting to cut, I haven't

- even though I haven't been wanting to eat, I have 

Physically, I've been doing a pretty decent job at taking care of myself... (I mean, I guess that's minus the diet pills and laxatives)...


Mentally and emotionally, there are still bad thoughts creeping in. Like, I need some brain-raid for my thoughts. 


I'm dealing with the hair better... like I said, it's not that the color looks bad on me... it just brought back a lot of old stuff. I'll lighten it next week. The picture is from the day after I dyed it. I did shampoo and do a few things to fade it a little, plus it looks a bit better with curls/waves than straight.


Things will always get better... I guess I'm just scared. Duh, I'm scared. A while back I had a post about the song "Let Me Fall" by Alexz Johnson... and I remember saying how that was always a song that I could relate to, but then there was that one day when I heard it and when the line came up that says "cause I will get up again if you let me fall",  it hit me that... I don't think I could pick myself up again if things ever got that bad. I've burnt myself out so many times that I just don't know if I have the energy to dig myself out of that even one more time.


I think that's part of why I'm trying to hard to not let that ever happen again, and while a lot of my posts may be negative and I'm still cutting and engaging in very unhealthy behaviors... I am no where near as low as I have been in the past. People always talk about rock bottom... well I have broken through rock bottom... more than once. I just can't go through anything like that again. I don't want to have to.


I'm also freaking out a bit because of the lack of dance this summer. For those of you who have heard me say over and over, "dance saved my life", that is not an exaggeration at all. That is the straight up truth.


I guess that's all I really have to say for right now other than you guys are amazing and I love you all <3 <3

ARRG!!!

I have the strongest urge to cut... I don't even know why. Nothing is SERIOUSLY wrong and driving me to do it right now... I think it's just because I haven't in so long (is that even possible?!?). 

So now not cutting is triggering me to cut?? What the fuck?!?


I've been scratching a lot cause I don't have razors here and I've been rubbing my collar bones (which seem to be slowly becoming more prominent) like, nonstop since last night =/


~~


I wrote this hours ago and just never posted it... don't worry, I didn't do anything. I just found this:

It really almost made my cry... I might cry. No... no I won't. I'm not going to cry over something stupid.

For my followers that have been here a while, you might recall that I am convinced everyone in the world is going to leave me, and that I am unlovable. You can't be loved until you love yourself, right?

If you've been on my BREATHE page, I have the post by Jen Lemen that I based my tattoo off of... so... yeah, this really stuck a cord with me. I don't see how I will ever be accepted in that way when I still don't accept myself. I am trying... really... 


I want to get better. I want to get through this. I want to love (like) myself. I want all of these things... 




But I also want to be thin. I want to keep my options open for a way out.

This is hard. Really, really hard. And there's no one that really understands what I'm going through... hell... I'm not even sure I understand.


I find it funny... how I am doing so much better... yet I still am like this. I look at these posts and think, "this is better?" 


I just want to be okay. I want to be happy. I want to  fall in love. I want to be fallen in love with. I want to accept myself for who I am.

Want. Want. Want. God I'm so fucking selfish!


But you always have to look out for #1 first, and that's me. Me? Number 1?? Yeah right...


So often... I just wish I was someone else...

Such a fuck up.

Jordan: Kind of, yeah. I just miss having someone more than anything really.


So... I saw J last night. I went to the viewing for her grandmother and then the two of us went out after. Things are good between us now. We have set up boundaries... but it's so hard to stay within the limits...


She's doing so well though (I mean, she misses her grandma like crazy), but in general with everything else. She looks great and she seems to be doing so well. I'm not there yet... I don't wanna fuck things up for her. I'm so afraid that I'm going to though... like, even if we aren't directly talking about something... if she sees me...


I'm still trying to loose weight (I may have lost like, the tiniest amount)... but once I loose more, she'll see it. I'm wearing short sleeves now... my arms and wrist are more exposed... I don't want anything to trigger her. She's finally got some stuff figured out...


And then there's also the part of me that's like... it didn't take her long to get help in the first place... this whole process (the worst of it) lasted about a year for her... and I know things still aren't "perfect", but they're pretty damn good from what I can see... and then there's me.


Always fucked up... 


I've had an eating disorder and been cutting for so long that I don't even know what it's like not to. I don't like making plans in advance because I would feel bad if I couldn't follow through with them... and if I don't make plans, I always have that option of just ending it for myself... and even though I don't think I ever would (if I was going to it would've been done when I was like 13) I just feel safer knowing that I have that option... that I'm not going to be letting anyone down if I did.


Although in my worst of moments I don't even think about any of that... but it's just like my escape... and I want to know that it's an option if I want it to be.


GOD, HOW FUCKED UP CAN I BE?!?


Anyway... I ate okay yesterday.
-Breakfast: special K protein snack bar and coffee
-Lunch: special K cereal
-Snack: small banana with peanut butter
-Dinner: Bahama Breeze- tropical fruit/chicken salad... so grapes, strawberries, chicken, and lettuce
-Snack: handful of mini rice cakes


Damn... that's a lot.


So far today I've had a bowl of special K for breakfast, fat pig, and a few sips of my coffee.


I need to put air in my tired and go for a long bike ride today. I need to shower but I just had the cereal so I'm really in no mood to undress. Gag. What is wrong with me?? 


Hope you are all doing well,


xox

Boy toy please.

So... every time the boy signs online... my heart kinda sinks.


It's not like I'm in love with him or anything... but you know that feeling?? 


Nikki... he hates you. GET THE FUCK OVER IT!!!


I just miss having someone... I need a new fuck buddy... and someone to talk to late into the night/early into the morning.


What guy is ever gonna wanna sleep with me?!?


He did.


I need to get someone drunk...

I just want him not to hate me. I want to talk to him. No, he doesn't want anything to do with you! I just want him to talk to me... say anything... let me explain why I freaked on him. He doesn't care. Get the fuck over it.


I'm sorry....

I feel sad.

I've been kind of meh all day. I feel like crying right now, but of course, there are no tears. I'm half numbed out/half about to cry. I can't sleep. Nighttime is making me think too much. I hate sleeping alone. I don't even have Teddy cause I'm home.


Anyway... comment replies from my last post:
MLM- Thank you. It's not that I don't like the color... just last time I accidentally dyed my hair black it was right around the time of me being forced into everything. Plus the dark, and then all of the negative things in my head... I just need something brighter.
Jordan- Don't get too excited :) It's an old picture. That was from the first time my hair was dark. I was 18... so about 3 and a half years ago.


So anyway... not much to say. Spent most of the day in bed. Only got out when I was told to go downstairs/eat dinner/do something... whatever... never really by choice though. Not once. And right now I feel sad. I hate feeling sad. I'm not used to it.


I'm going to try to cancel my Monday appointment with the therapist I don't really like.
And I don't know if I'll be setting up another one at school anytime soon.


I feel so heavy... not heavy like fat... well, that too... but heavy like... weighted. My chest feels especially heavy. Sunken. Empty. My chest actually hurts a bit, a lot a bit. Ow. Okay it's getting worse... and going into my arm too. Whatever. 


I'm sad. I feel defeated. I have no desire to eat (I should be happy about that!!, no?). 
                                               I have no desire to be here.
                                                              No desire to breathe.
                                                                              No desire to live.

I think accidentally dying my hair so dark is triggering me....

So I've been wanting to put some hi-lights in my hair... lighten it up a bit, add some texture... ya know? But my roots looked like shit so I had to dye full color first.


Now I never get upset when the color comes out wrong, it happens all the time. And I've accidentally dyed my hair black many-a-time... but for some reason this time it's really upsetting me.


And now I have to re-dye it to get a lighter brown before I can even hi-light it.

And underneath where the pink and blue used to be had been a lighter brown just from the fact that it was previously bleached... now my hair is one solid color. Full on black. 


It sucks. 


And I don't know why this is upsetting me so much right now... and of course once one stupid little thing upsets me it makes everything else just come back to me... and now suddenly everything is wrong.

This song reminds me of the boy... 

I feel super gross today...

I miss C and I can't do anything about it...

I have no razors here...

My car is in the shop... there's no air in my bike...

I have no razors...

I can find something...

J's grandma just died and I'm miserable because I don't have a razor handy??
What the fuck is wrong with me?!?

This all started because of some fucking hair dye.

I can't do this anymore.

Fuck.

Spring Cleaning

Oh... so I believe there are a few things I should update you on... like... oh, say... everything?!?


Where to even start??
I think I'll go from biggest to smallest...

So first, school. 
I am staying. My only option would have been to take a leave of absence until spring. None of the community college schedule's lined up with mine. Plus, I like my therapist at school.


For the moment, I am seeing two... sort of...
There's my therapist at school (who I am going to stay with), and the woman at home I went to see... I've only seen her once so far (I should cancel Monday's appointment) and I'm not a fan of her... I'm not nearly as comfortable as I am with the other guy.


          1st- she focused way way way too much on food and what did you eat and what's a typical day (in terms of food) and how often do you take diet pills, how often do you take laxatives, how often do you do this or that, do you have any rituals or obsessions regarding food?!? LIKE OH MY GOD! I THINK ABOUT FOOD 24/7!!! GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK WOMAN! Plus, she's trying to plant the idea of seeing a nutritionist.... umm... NO. I know what is healthy and unhealthy, I am fully conscious of this when I am doing either healthy or unhealthy behaviors. I have made progress, that is not what I am there for. 


          2nd- my therapist (the one I am going to continue seeing) lets me be the boss. He's there to join me on my journey and support me along the way... this woman wants to always talk about food and she wants to figure out what my problems are and focus on those... bitch.


          3rd- she writes things down. I don't care if it was just about food, I don't like that. I am a person... a human being, not a lab experiment. Enough said.


          4th- she's a she... yupp, I realized that it is easier for me to talk to guys/get along with guys/trust guys because of all the bitches who've gone behind my back in the past.


          5th- she does the occasional fake smile. I almost punched out a doctor once for that same damn fake smile. Don't test me.

So, yeah, I'm comfortable with the guy at school. Focusing MORE on food, is not something that helps me, it is not something I am comfortable with.


That was kind of two things in one... but anyway, the other thing is about J. We didn't talk for over a month... I deleted her number, removed her from facebook, and blocked her on g-mail...

Yet, when I saw a number on my phone that was similar to hers I had to double check with someone because  the number had called twice in a few minutes and I had this incredible urge to see if it was J and if she was okay.


She called Monday night. Long story short, we're friends again... but we have boundaries. Which is fine. It's just for the time being until we are both more stable. There were tears. There were confessions. 


We will always be friends... until we are old and wrinkly and gray...


I'm still upset about the concert.
That was a night I waited forever for and will never get back.


But what's done is done and I'm not going to dwell on the past.


I was actually thinking of something the other day when I was thinking about the two therapists. I've given up on trying to figure out why I have an eating disorder. Yes, I believe some of us are born sort of at more of a risk of developing one, I think the majority of it is in our brains, it is how we cope... blah, blah, blah... But I'm over trying to figure out why. What was it that triggered all of this? I don't know. And really, why does it matter? As long as I can learn to cope with things in a healthier way (i.e. no cutting) and be happier in general. I know that having a healthy body will make me mentally happier and that being happier will help me to eat in healthier ways. 


I am very aware now of right and wrong, so to speak. What I really need to do is learn to cope. I know that increased confidence and self esteem will also come with the better body image... but I have to do it in a healthy way. I also will probably need to work on the "not-good-enough" thoughts and feelings... but really, I don't need to use therapy to focus on food. I'm over being defined by this eating disorder. And that's all focusing on food does for me... 


People are trying to hard to figure me out... and I don't want to be figured out... I don't even understand myself most of the time... but that's okay, I don't need to have it all together all the time... I just need to be able to deal. 
I don't always know what's gonna trigger me... but what's it matter as long as I know how to handle it?


I've always been a bit of a mystery... so let's keep it that way :)


I'm a special kind of case. I have done a lot of the work on my own before going into therapy... I am going to be a therapist myself. I am and have been my own client through this whole process of taking the first steps to recovery... I've dug deep and I've learned a lot about myself.


I'm tired of focusing on the bad... I know the good is in there somewhere... I just have to dig a little deeper and throw all the garbage out on the curb. But I've got a lot of garbage... and it's heavy stuff... that's where the therapist comes in.


Spring cleaning isn't so bad when you're not alone.

Bad day??

Click here.

Scattered thoughts...

There is SO  much going on right now that just forming complete thoughts is way to overwhelming (let alone writing those thoughts down).




BSB concert last night... I have no friends... mom went with me... J went to (didn't see her but I was told it was all over her facebook)... I've only wanted to see them since I was 7... I spent the night trying to hide my tears or hold them back... I did not enjoy it the way I would have if I had been with a friend...


Therapy- saw someone at home today... don't like her as much as the guy at school... seeing him tomorrow morning.


J- yeah... we still haven't talked over a month... she called... I answered...


T- not happy about me talking to J... tells me she feeds off my insecurities and uses me... tells me she's a bitch... I'm so confused...


I miss C... all I wanted was to call him... I was drinking... I made myself stop to shower... stopped drinking... I can't call him... I want to... but I can't...


Still thinking about the boy... thinking about the whole situation...


My hair is a mess... long story there... it's boring... I spent all of yesterday in funk...


This is so not even chronological...


I miss C...


I miss him so much... I was safe with him. I can't call him. I can't talk to him. He has a daughter... he's across the country.
He's the only boy I've ever cried for....


Possibly taking a leave of absence from school.... it's my only option.


Need to see if I can somehow still see the therapist on campus if I do that... I doubt it... I'll ask though...


I don't know... life is so complicated.
I complicate things.


Why am I so afraid of loosing everyone??


Fuck.

Feeling the need to crawl in a dark hole.

So much shit in my life... I hate it. And I'm the reason I'm like this. Fuck. I don't even want to go into any details right now. I really just want to go into hibernation for the next 3 months or so.

I feel like crying right now but I can't.


I hate that.

I kind of hate my life...

Only... more than kind of. More than anything... I hate my life, who I am, and everything about me.

So today was the big day...

I went to therapy.


I actually really, really like this guy. He doesn't sit there and take notes, we just sit and talk. He's a real person. I am comfortable talking to him... I feel like one day, when I'm ready, I will be able to talk to him about the cutting. We could talk about serious things but at the same time I could also kind of joke around and laugh (which helps when I have so much anxiety around therapists). 


I told him about some of the bad experiences I've had with therapy and he was totally on my side 100%. He understands that dance is my outlet, not the cause of my eating disorder. 


I have another appointment with him Tuesday before work.


I feel really good about this.

New Stuff!!

Okay... so I really wanted to put the lyrics up for the song I just put on my blog here for you guys but I can't find them and don't feel like typing them all out myself. The video at the bottom has the lyrics in it and I also have the lyric video linked to the song on my SONGS page. The song is "Feather in the Wind" by Mindy Glendhill. 


It really is beautiful and I'm hoping that this whole moving back home thing is going to work for next year and am planning on choreographing a solo to it as I go through the process of therapy and accepting myself.


Also, I took down my chat box. It was being used way to much for people to try to promote themselves and I really didn't appreciate that so BUH-BYE. And since I did mention my SONGS page, I really do hope you guys check out my other pages and not just my straight up blog. I end up putting a lot of the bad shit that goes on in my head in these posts but the pages I think remain pretty positive and there are tools and resources on there for you guys. 


There is of course my story so that you can get some background information on me and understand more of where I am coming from.


Then my personal favorite is my BREATHE page which I created as a place to keep track of all the other ways to cope with the daily stresses we all may experience. For me, it is to prevent eating disorder and self injury behaviors. It has other ways to cope, distractions, and links to lots of awesome places! Also, at the bottom, is my favorite poem which I read daily. Another good thing to read everyday is this:

I am going to try to start tagging my positive, uplifting posts with those two words so that you can use the search bar and easily search for those tags. I am aware that my posts are all over the place but I really do want to inspire you guys to recover from whatever you are struggling with or to just make you smile so that will be a much easier way for me to go about things.

My POETRY page is kind of under construction. I'm not sure I like the way it's laid out. Most of my poetry seems to be on the depressing side, but sometimes it's good to read something that you can relate to and know that you are not alone.

My SONGS page of course is a list of ONLY INSPIRATIONAL music. I also (for most of the songs) have links to the youtube video of that song with lyrics so you can see the words and read/sing alone. I also have starred a few songs that are personal favorites (not that I don't love them ALL) or that really get to me.

CONTACT ME is pretty self explanatory. I'm not on PrettyThin much anymore... it's just not what it used to be when I first joined three years ago. But I do love getting e-mails and if anyone every wants to talk about ANYTHING or get to know me other than just through what I decided to post up here, feel free to get in touch with me! 

My FUN page is really just for that: FUN, FUNNY, HAPPINESS, SMILING, LAUGHING, PLAYING. It's quite amusing... who doesn't love fun facts about people?? I know I do... and I LOVE coming up with fun facts about myself... things that make me unique, things that make me special, things that make me ME. I hope that you guys are inspired to do the same thing :)

And of course... my GUIDE TO HAPPINESS. I haven't added anything since I first put it up... but I think that what I have so far is pretty damn good. The truth is, I haven't gone much further on my journey and so I don't yet know what the next steps would be... or maybe I do... I just don't know how to word them yet.

So yeah, I do hope you guys check out my other pages and always feel free to comment if there's something you want added. This overall blog is just as much for you guys as it is for me and I hope you feel that way about it too.

I love you all, you're each amazing in your own way <3

  

Why?

I found this when I was going through my notepad the other night. This must be from January/February it wasn't dated like the rest of my pages though (unless I wrote a few that night and just didn't date every one, who knows). So I guess I thought this was fitting since it's show weekend. Also, Jordan, to answer your question... I was in a dance performance.

Also, just as a sidenote... I do have an appointment at the counseling center Monday 4-5 with the guy that I wanted. I think that I am going to talk to him mostly about the whole finishing senior year online because of emotional/physical/mental reasons and see what he can do about that. If I like him and he thinks I need it (who wouldn't) maybe I'll go back and talk to him again, but I'll be home more than at school so I could just start counseling at home. We'll see.

My bed is calling my name.
Goodnight loves <3

Backstreet Boys

So, I briefly told my mom about the J thing today when we were talking on the phone. I didn't go into details, and I won't but anyway she said we can talk more about it on Saturday when I see her. I told her I have no one to go to the concert with now and she said she would come with me, which I think will probably be what happens... but I would rather go with a friend because it's just a different experience. 


I don't sing in front of my parents. I don't dance in front of them (not including on stage). So... yeah, it's just... I dunno. And I told her that.


I also figured out why I've been having wrist issues my whole life and why they've progressively getting worse. I have a cyst on the top of my left wrist. Can't move it.


Regardless, tonight was opening night.


I have an early show tomorrow that the class I taught is performing in as well as myself, and then our evening show.


Saturday is closing night. My parents always come on the last night.


I don't think they're staying over. Actually, I know they aren't. I kind of wish they were.
But I'll be home next Thursday night. 


That's really all. I'm in kind of a blah mood. My body is tired, sore, tight. I can't move my wrist. I need to stabilize and ice (for a few weeks apparently) and hopefully it isn't something that will require surgery. 


Goodnight loves.